12:02 AM

Just say "No". It makes life easier.

Read my cheesy poem

April 2018: Moodboard

Doing that one thing you love besides all this routine surely helps. Basically I try to wake up early every day, I will take 30 minutes to finally "wake up" by doing some French quizzes. Then I'd go to school, and do the things and take some time to think again, sometimes end up overthinking. I begin to work during the night. It's quite hard for me to construct my overall mood this April: SO MUCH IN MY MIND. My brain is tiny but it sure has a lot of space for a lot of things. It's surely depressing not knowing answers and have to wait. 

Burst of Thoughts at 1:30 am

cancer

suddenly, silently, and continuously, these voices and these touches are left to be scars, sucking myself and torturing inside. You can never say that growth is a great thing. When something is growing, something else is deteriorating. They work both ways like gravity.

So yes, I am so afraid of cancer and what it's capable of doing. Basically, people are cancerous, though. basically, the city is cancerous, the lifestyle, the way we rotate, they radiate, these evil to raise.

social burden

Can you do this?

Can you do that?

Is it possible if you'd help me with...

You know we can depend on you, right?

Don't worry, you'll get through this.

Can we meet up this weekend?

What about next weekend?

Don't forget our family gathering next week.

Don't forget to call your grandmother and say thank you.

Are you free? I got something to tell..

Can you help me with the conversation?

How do I say it to him... It doesn't sound right?

communication,

and noise,noise,noise,

fucking noise.

so fucking tired of communicating I feel like I'm running out of oxygen.  so fucking tired of texts, notification, social media interaction, upcoming calls, all this social burden makes me socially drained. Please just understand that I just want to talk a little less, and listen a little less, 

All the screams and the excitement, with all this noise in my head, 

God, I just want to pass it on. Pass it on. What scares me is that I can never ever ever ever be alone.

Post scriptum:

Hello guys, it's April already, just 4 months away from August: this is the month when I predict my graduation. It's 1:30 am here and I just, can not help not to write, and design.

Moodboard: March 2018

No, I haven't been smoking weed!

Hello everyone! Wow, like, it's March already! It feels as if it was only yesterday when I made my February Moodboard. Time surely is ticking so fast. Anyways, I discovered a lot of novelties lately, or at least re-discovering things. Well, my main focus is always my thesis and my job, but I don't know, I don't think I'm developing myself through my thesis, so I think I have to find new novelties every month to keep me fresh.

March is going to be my reggae month. Reggae songs actually make me happy without smoking any weed lol. I actually discovered this cool band "The Undercover Hippy", they produce real good stuff, and they also made this song called "Coming to the Gambia", it's about empowering people in Gambia, and showing that globalization is a modern colonization: which I think it's true. I mean, living in this poor country with prices raising day by day, I'm pretty sure I'm still being colonized by countries with stronger currency.

And also! I've been learning Hangul. It's quite easy, really. I read Hangul kinda well now, not fluent, but I can read it. It's not as hard as Japanese, I think. Maybe it's because I've been watching Korean drama in the past 2 years, so i'm quite aware of the vocabularies. Talking about Hangul... I think South Korea really did a great job in creating South Korea's nation brand. Like they said, they managed to obtain the economic miracle with their marketing strategies, entertainment business, and hard work, of course. Also, for the very first time in my life, I now have a crush on Korean actors: Lee Jong Suk and Ji Chang Wook. Yes I know they're everywhere to be seen but I just, Lee Jong Suk, he has a very unique face, and Ji Chang Wook has this friendly brother-ish face. 아이고!

Clueless

Fetus, amnesiac

Mother,

Have I gone much farther or 

have I grown embittered?

To feel this blood run towards my bone,

once they sent my soul to drown

To see this face in the mirror,

torn by torments and terror,

Mother,

Beneath everything that I don't know,

along with every breath I had sough,

this question in which I came from,

about this place I'd been welcome

Mother,

I've lived almost a quarter of century,

None of them had believed in me,

about this place we've named and called,

is never for us to name and own,

Mother,

If I could ever ask you,

about the things that once made me,

the things that we both knew,

the things that we both disremembered,

the things that we couldn't answer,

about the origin of the origin,

about the purpose of livin,

about the purpose of dyin,

Days during my Internship at CLARA Magazine

My artwork, featured on CLARA Magazine 10th Anniversary Issue

I have always been intimidated by luxurious fashion stores. I don't even have the money to afford anything there! but this internship made me enter Fendi. This internship made me almost touch Prada shoes. Yes, this internship also made me enter Calvin Klein stores and we could choose anything we wanted --- well it was the stylist's choice, not mine. But I still could watch!

Room 243: Interior Photography Project

Hello again everyone! It might be too late to writethis post, because it's done in December 2017 or maybe late November? Back in the days, I was suddenly interested in interior photography because I spent too much time on Pinterest learning about still life contemporary photography. What I love about interior photography, well still life contemporary interior photography is that as you can see, it feels like the room is talking, or the furniture is talking. It feels like bringing the shapes, the shadows, the textures, to life. I think that's why it's called "still life".

One day, my friend called and she asked for my help to shoot an apartment located in Bandung for their airbnb website. I was thrilled because it was my first time ever shooting an interior. So I was very excited. When I got there, the apartment was so neat, it was clean kinfolk kind of apartment (if you know what I mean), the shades were black and white (mainly). I'm gonna add caption so that I can show you how contemporary still life photography seems to be talking to you. So here are what I captured (dominantly my best shots). *still learning here

Moodboard: February 2018

Hello, everyone! Okay, I promise that I will take my blog seriously. I am not sure whether it's gonna be a fashion blog... NO, obviously not a fashion blog. It will a medium for my creativity; through writing, graphic design, photography, and other things that I love. SO yeah, I promise you, dear Lebenstraum, there will be 4 posts minimum with anything I like. Because it feels so good liberating your soul through writing. Free freedom, remember? And it feels like it's the right time to do something for myself, for my OWN satisfaction, not for money, or so called business. Anyways, here's my literal moodboard for this month.

Sol 20

I get a mild headache every time I stay up late. It's like, maybe.. gravity is resisting my existence. I've been completely aware about the endless thoughts that I haven't been able to think of. 

This is my blatant writing; memories and thoughts and feelings of sorrow, anger, hope, lust, everything. Sometimes I feel like I am an alien trapped in another planet, where I watch them grow, walk in speed, talk in murmur, and everything passed. Sometimes I feel like I am the clock, defeated by the earth's rotation. 

This has been my journey, how I feel like I don't belong to the place I, emotionally was forced to say yes. It's like, a place, full of rapists. People are so fucked up they become package of emotional burden to one another. 

One night, I realized something about "relationship". Some people indeed avoid it because they don't want to be responsible of unnecessary feelings and occurrence that would happen in a relationship. Like, if he's not happy, you feel guilty or at least he makes you feel guilty. For a basic, instance, a boyfriend has this weird feelings of obligation to buy gifts or arrange a surprise party when his girlfriend's birthday is coming. He's scared, he's worried. 

Years with Rihanna

Hello! Guess what I chose for my media research final exam? Yup, Rihanna. I made a little research based on Roland Barthes' Semiotic approach on Rihanna's "ANTI" album cover. ANTI is her latest album that contains the-very-famous "Work" featuring Drake. The album cover was quite different as it didn't contain any of her photograph. I connected how the album relates to her new personal branding (as she starts to expose her nipples these days).

Anyways, I'm not going to talk about the album "ANTI" tonight, but I'm going to talk about Rihanna these 13 years of her career. I first saw her on Mtv back when I was in the elementary school. Her music "We Ride" was on TV, and I started to adore her as she looked so stunning in that little brown dress.

Doesn't Make You Social

Instagram Girl

Hello, I finally got the chance to arrange a wedding last saturday. It was such a wonderful experience to be a part of people's once in a lifetime experience. I was assigned as the Liason Officer for the photographers but I ended being a photographer after all.

It was one fine evening until I saw this family. I was sitting with my friend, Edo. We talked about how the wedding going swell and stuff. And suddenly, this little girl sat on a chair in front of us and grabbed a bread knife. She was dark brown tanned while her mom and sister were white with yellow hair. Her brother was also brown skinned but he was enjoying himself. Indonesian think that brown skin isn't as beautiful as white skin. I guess she wasn't really confident of her appearance.

In the other side, her big sister whose hair was yellow, she kept asking her little sister to take pictures for her. She told her, "Hurry take a picture of me." the little girl reluctantly took pictures of her sister. But then the older one kind of scolded her. She said "Would you even be more helpful? Look mom she's not doing it right. You should count to three then click the button."

So the little girl agreed and counted to three. But this time, she held that knife with her mouth. Edo and I were shocked to see that. That girl, then started to rub that knife on her tongue and her upper palate. Seeing her little sister doing that, that yellow haired bitch went on scolding, "Seriously? why would you do that?"

But she kept asking her little sister to take pictures of her. She asked her to take one for her instagram, for her snapchat, and phhhoto. I mean that girl didn't stop rubbing that fucking knife and she didn't even care. Well I know that the knife wasn't sharp and wouldn't hurt her, but that girl is showing a self-harm action. Come on! You should know that,

"Having a social media, doesn't make you social."

The Little Prince (And the Fox)

It was one boring day, I was 12 years old, was still in 6th grade. I was interested in psychology so I started to read this book with the main character who has this psychological case. It was "One Child", in Indonesia you probably know it by the name "Sheila" by Torey Hayden. And this book has this chapter where it told the story of The Little Prince and The Fox; a part of Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's book, Le Petit Prince. 

It didn't mean anything for me back then.

But I met a new friend, her name is Luca from Hungary. She told me that Le Petit Prince was her favorite book so far. And I told her that I knew a part of that book, the chapter that involved a fox. She told me that, If I read it now when I'm nearly twenty, this chapter has different meanings from my conclusion back then when I was 12. 

So I went back home and googled the Little Prince and the Fox chapter and I began to read it again. With farther thoughts and realization, I figured something out about relationship.

Collage Art

Instagram: fidyzahra

Good Monday! I'm so excited to tell you all about my new discovery. Some of you might think that it's a so-so discovery or some of you have discovered it way before me, but yup. I've started to like Collage Art. I mean I've always loved to cut magazines and attach them back together and create a new concept or a new shape, but I didn't know that "Collage Artist" existed. I've made some collages before, but I don't think I've ever shared it before, I might have, but I'm not sure. These collages above are collages that I made on Sunday morning. 

I actually found out about this Collage Artist thing from this instagram @the.daily.splice that belongs to Adam Hale, a collage artist. I even commented on his instagram, telling him how inspired I was when I found his instagram. 

instagram: the.daily.splice

The different hing about this kind of art is, I mean, I've always loved to draw and design something, no, wait. I've always loved to draw, but no, I don't have advanced drawing skills, but I feel like this kind of art actually called my name, like a revelation. It said, "Fidy, this is what you love to do, enjoy!" CLICHE. but still, yup. this is what I love to do and what I'm actually good at.