I knew something was wrong with me but I just didn't know what.
I never thought that peace would be so important for me.
I told him, "No, I don't want money, I don't want career, I don't want to be anything. I just, deep down, I know I just need a peace of mind."
Thursday, September 13, 2018
Monday, September 3, 2018
Manic Episode
Sure, I do remember those days when I set my schedule very perfectly and life was happening according to plan. I liked (maybe deep down inside I still do) doing so much things. I just, fucking oh god, I fucking like to think. You know? Just like a clock ticking, everything is being fast-forwarded in my head. This and that, here and there, run in flats, heels, loafers, sneakers, do things and more things made me feel so. fucking. alive. Energy, Inspiration, and the feeling of being inspired, are like crazily having threesome sex in my head. Everything has been exciting. Everyone has been so nice, everything mattered. Life, Art, Literature, Smile, the vastly dynamic world, the earth, and planets, and fucking Plato! Stars and Sky, limitless above. Dreams and wise endings aloft in the silent nights.
Depressive Episode
Things changed within me, though. Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I feel like she's asking, "Who are you?" "What are you doing here?" "Where are you gonna go now?". And my eyes looked at me, so so so differently, full of pity and regrets, and desperation. Looking back, I was that girl who loved to visit public events, trying to hang out with those hot af male models while wearing that tacky outfit from New Look. I was that girl, who tried to learn so many languages, and that girl who wrote stuff with the utmost bravery. Now I see, a fat-gaining coward who keeps on making the same old, real same old fallacies, and who forgets to reply others' messages. Now I look at myself in the mirror, and I feel like I am looking at someone else, full of fatigue, doubts, more doubts.
Am I experiencing that so-called second puberty?
Sure, I do remember those days when I set my schedule very perfectly and life was happening according to plan. I liked (maybe deep down inside I still do) doing so much things. I just, fucking oh god, I fucking like to think. You know? Just like a clock ticking, everything is being fast-forwarded in my head. This and that, here and there, run in flats, heels, loafers, sneakers, do things and more things made me feel so. fucking. alive. Energy, Inspiration, and the feeling of being inspired, are like crazily having threesome sex in my head. Everything has been exciting. Everyone has been so nice, everything mattered. Life, Art, Literature, Smile, the vastly dynamic world, the earth, and planets, and fucking Plato! Stars and Sky, limitless above. Dreams and wise endings aloft in the silent nights.
Depressive Episode
Things changed within me, though. Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I feel like she's asking, "Who are you?" "What are you doing here?" "Where are you gonna go now?". And my eyes looked at me, so so so differently, full of pity and regrets, and desperation. Looking back, I was that girl who loved to visit public events, trying to hang out with those hot af male models while wearing that tacky outfit from New Look. I was that girl, who tried to learn so many languages, and that girl who wrote stuff with the utmost bravery. Now I see, a fat-gaining coward who keeps on making the same old, real same old fallacies, and who forgets to reply others' messages. Now I look at myself in the mirror, and I feel like I am looking at someone else, full of fatigue, doubts, more doubts.
Am I experiencing that so-called second puberty?
Tuesday, June 26, 2018
Cerita Studio Begadang Ep. 4: Surat Pengunduran Diri
Dunia memang penuh kejutan. Menjadi manusia yang tidak memiliki kontrol penuh untuk diri sendiri maupun lingkungan tetapi memiliki rasa untuk menjadi be..bas tentunya sangat menyebalkan. Kami terlalu sering untuk fokus pada hal-hal yang datar sehinga kita lupa kalau bumi ini berputar. Begitu juga dengan kejadian-kejadian yang muncul kepadamu tiba-tiba: malam hari digigit nyamuk hingga bentol super besar, atau kejadian seperti ditilang polisi, hingga ditinggalkan orang terkasih. Kekonyolan dari ketiba-tibaan waktu yang menyelakmu seenaknya, padahal kamu sudah mengantri untuk mendapatkan sesuatu, atau menemui seseorang. Tiba-tiba saja, waktu menghentikan dan merenggut segalanya, membuat permainan baru.
Sepulang dari kantor, aku tersenyum berser-seri memikirkan malam esok di mana aku akan menghabiskan waktu bersama Robin. Call it a movie date or whatever, knowing that he still wants to spend the time with me outside work is already a good thing. Maksudku, pada akhirnya pertemanan lebih berharga dibandingkan hubungan rekan kerja bukan? Sebenarnya ada satu alasan mengapa aku sangat menghargai dan mengaharapkan pertemananku dan Robin. Hal tersebut adalah ketulusan hati Robin pada semua orang, termasuk kepadaku sendiri. Robin pandai mengatur emosinya sendiri, membuat kotak-kotak layaknya folder di mana ia harus menetapkan perasaannya pada setiap orang: dia hanya tersenyum ketika berbicara dengan Mamak, dia mampu menyelinap untuk memberi pendapat kepada Pak Bos, dan dia juga tahu kapan dia tidak boleh bertanya dan memberi alasan.
Suatu hari kami pernah berpergian ke pabrik salah satu merk sepatu internasional yang berada di Sukabumi, Jawa Barat untuk shooting video pembuatan sepatu tersebut. Sepulang dari pabrik, Robin ingin mengunjungi rumah salah satu buruh pabrik yang memiliki anak yang menderita polio. Aku pun bertanya kepadanya, "Kok repot-repot ke rumahnya segala?"