Draft 02

There's been a conflict within myself that I can't explain. Yes, I've changed a lot in so many weird different ways. After this philosophical thinking that I had and (still having them sometimes). I feel so detached from myself, from this physical surroundings that we think we know. I just, can't get enough of the answers when everyone's basically avoiding my questions.

To be,
to feel completely aware,
to feel at least like you're worthy

Recently I do feel like I'm actually dying everyday by just, living. I feel that death is coming really soon and I am going to die which in fact, I know for sure that we are all going to die anyway. But I jus keep on losing myself everyday and I don't know why. I've been trying to figure out what's going on with myself. Maybe it's just that, I need the answer of our existence, I need to know the destiny of being me: what I'm destined to be, what I am to me, and to this world. I don't want to die like those chickens: being fed to be killed eventually.

God is a shepherd they say.
But what if I don't want to be one of his farm animals?
What if, I just want to be an exceptional animal that is given a different destiny?

--

My sister's been watching a superstitious show in Youtube about a family that can speak to ghosts and often get "possessed" by the ghosts. So I asked her, "How come people turn into ghosts when they die?"

and she said, "maybe it's because they killed themselves or they were murdered?"

It didn't come logical to me at all.. the answer. All this misery, and especially those who were murdered must've felt tremendous pain, how come they turned to be ghosts? Isn't it very exhausting?

I know there are some inexplicable things in this world. But to think about the substance of our existence which we don't know, one day is just wasted with lack of knowledge or self-awareness.