Jogjakarta, 2019

March 2019
A short getaway to the special region in central Java was full of "what ifs".  it's still the beginning of 2019 yet I have made some serious, substantial, significant decisions. I have once again, lost.

I have always wanted to leave this country. Everyone has the freedom to choose where they want to be. I studied fucking hard to nail my IELTS test, hell I even took French course when I was in high school. To be free from this identity that was given to me by birth was everything I wanted. But I have lost once again.

Love is, very dangerous. As a logical person, it's always been hard for me to form a logical explanation about how I feel. It's crazy. I want this, but the people I love want that. It was never about... pleasing others. It was about thanking them. Hell, I do feel like I am living their lives, their dreams. But love, the only thing i have for them, and it's the only thing I hold onto.

My trip to Jogjakarta was full of "What ifs". I visited the side of me, whom I've always wanted to be. That girl who loves to wear shorts and tank top, wear no make up, having a tanned skin, getting lost in translation. That girl, that side of me. I gave her 4 days to be what she wanted to be. I gave her the beaches, the lagoons, the waterfalls... I gave her the room to talk in German, to talk in English, to be a little Pocahontas. I gave her the most beautiful sunrise in her life and I gave her the most beautiful sunset.

And I also gave her the sorrowful farewell.
The miserable forlorn, I left myself, my dreams, my liberalism in Jogjakarta... My spirit to be free, my spirit to be detached, my spirit to simply be..