Rewrite

There's always the urge to write again. The thoughts of being a writer, to elaborate the things that I can't speak of, remained. So I decided to reread the things I wrote last week, when I was feeling extremely miserable.

in 2019, I wrote, 

"The miserable forlorn, I left myself, my dreams, my liberalism in Jogjakarta... My spirit to be free, my spirit to be detached, my spirit to simply be.."

Maybe that time I thought that the longing to be detached, and be freed from this society could be forgotten. Guess what? It still haunts me every single day. So, I guess I am going to write again. This time to 2019 me. 

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Dear 2019 Fidy,

Let's just cut to the chase. Good news is, you bought a house this year. So you're not gonna be homeless and you can leave your grandparent's house and have all the privacy in the entire world without committing to the most. unstable. "investment". called "marriage". And yes, I know you anticipated that you needed to buy a house before "getting married" and you did, because you're so scared that you need to split your assets when you get divorced, but yes you anticipated it very well. 

Bad news is, you're taking a mortgage loan. Yes, this year you have learned that one job isn't enough. You had 3 repeated clients this year, you're really struggling at the moment, but fortune will come to those who work and give. so yes. it's a rocky road but c'est la vie. it's the price that you must pay for your freedom. 

Yes, you did decide to work 9 to 5 job in a government-owned company. You decided to work in a bank. what the hell! You got waitlisted to study in Universidad de Jaén, but you also got accepted to work in this company. Guess what? You chose to work. Good bye Spain, Good bye Europe. 

You did struggle at first and you thought that you couldn't be as.. liberating as working remote in Bali. Yes indeed, it's not as liberating as that.. but, at least you feel more secured. Everyone else is getting laid off by their companies, even the big ones are firing their employees and it's very, very, sad to see. It feels like seeing people breaking up at once and also losing their money. 

You're 26 now. Some of your close friends have already delivered their second child, and you're still stressing over your Instagram feeds color. 

In early 2020, there was pandemic, followed by economic world crisis. You broke up with your boyfriend of 5 years. You accidentally met a guy, now you're committed in an interfaith relationship which is a very complicated thing in Indonesia. You also did use dating app, met some guys and still got back together with a christian guy named Stanly. And you're still in love with him until now, the spark stays. Cupid did a great job for both of us. 

You won a French Competition. What? Yes. You did win the 2nd place of Olimpiade Bahasa Prancis in national stage. And you have a francophone Friend from Morocco whom you always force to speak French with (he doesn't like to speak French but you make him to do so)

Next year, you hope for an opportunity to study abroad. but we'll see because you're very lazy to study english AGAIN. yes, your IELTS certificate had already expired. You're very busy with work, gym, French, side hustles, and now English...

Sometimes you get tired and you feel like living in a loop. (endless one!) You're scared of happiness. Some people would love to experience happiness, to be happy, to smile or to laugh freely, but it'd rather get you scared. Too happy, too content, often leads to a catastrophe. The feeling of being "drawn" into sorrow after being euphoric got you traumatized. 

What else? who would've thought you're still that gypsy-wannabe, who collects reggae playlist and weird weird French songs... You dyed your hair, did an undercut haircut.. You stay weird, but you're more straightforward and definitely saltier. 

There's still a lot of work to do. 

But I am glad I visited you today, a lot has changed in 3 years but change is inevitable. 

Keep going. Keep living. We'll be nostalgic again hopefully.

Regards,

2022 Fidy

Lost

It may be difficult to understand or try to understand your feelings everytime. I keep asking myself "Wait, what am I feeling?" "How am I supposed to feel about it?" "Are my feelings alright?" "is it okay to feel this way?", and actually, it may just burst into this particular thought: I don't want to feel at all, I want to flow like the stream of the river, I want to move around like the branch of the trees following the breeze of the wind. I don't want to feel at all. I don't want to find out. I just want to be found, just like how I found the thrill of random acting class, or the poem about sex, or that binary code lesson I had late at night. To be frank, I don't I think that I can find myself once again like how I did back in that corner with cold feet and a mind full of unspoken words of liberation. I look at myself in the mirror and I see how the time has passed and how I have been shaped by the speed of this city, and by other people's pace. I feel like I am lost, somewhere in between, detached from the dreams I had, and drowned deeply into the unrealistic reality. At times like this, I know why "crazy" or "mentally-ill" people would wander around on the street, staring at nothing, and keep on walking without actually having a clear destination. Sometimes I do want to wander and find myself again (if possible)

Thinking about the future

There is one thing that makes me feel enough remorseful towards agricultural revolution. As a human, we developed from nomadic lifestyle to a more "settled" way of life. We began to learn how to grow plants and farm the animals, figuring out so many ways (even with violence) to domesticate the nature. However, there is one thing that I, crazily hate about the agricultural revolution: the prediction of a future. Life as a nomadic must've been simpler: we would've been gathering fruits for a couple of days, or find the right time to hunt to keep our tummies full that time. We would play around, being lazy and reluctant when we're "full". However, agricultural revolution has led us human to think about the future. "What if?", "What if, the plants fail to grow?", "What if, rain doesn't come?","What if the animals get sick?" Just like me, stumbling upon the thoughts of so many "what ifs". Je veux te dire que j'ai peur. J'ai tres peur. Je ne comprends pas. J'ai utilisé la musique, l'arte et les autres activités pour mon tranquilité. Mais, j'avait toujours peur. Je pense que j'ai très peur du futur mais je ne suis pas sûr. Je ne sais pas pourqoui j'ecris en Francais maintenant. est-ce que parce que j'ai aussi peur si quelqu'un decouvre cette secrete? C'est l'anxiete que je deteste. Je deteste la vie en general parce que l'anxiete que les ancesteurs a decouvre dans la revolution d'agriculture. Est'ce que ca va si je blâme les ancesteurs pour cette forme inutile de l'evolution du humain?

A dream

I have a dream, even though I am not sure what it is. It’s a dream anyway so it’s okay for it to be blurry. It’s a dream anyway so it doesn’t have to make sense. It’s a dream anyway so it’s based on my own will. It's above all the reason why; inexplicable, yet so liberating.

I have a dream that I thought I had lost. In the pouring rain, I still try to elaborate the interpretation of my own dream, I still try to rediscover myself, I still want to be found, it’s quite hopeless, it’s like chasing my own tail... But it’s better than chasing other people’s tails.

Boy, what am I thinking? why do I think that we should make a detailed proposal out of it? It's been unplanned, it's been surreal, it's a matter of feeling and willingness, isn't it?

I have a dream and it doesn’t have to consider, or compromise. with its persistence, maybe it’ll come true.

Thoughts in Ubud

There's always been a natural bond between me and languages. They help me understand others and myself. I took a lot of time to think about it: what I learned when I was there. People seemed so gloomy, individualist, yet communal, with high amount of acceptance. Every one of us had a story to tell (or to hide). It was one warm night, there were four of us: Chinese, Chilean, Dannish, and me, Indonesian. We had this little balcony where people would eat and talk, or just awkwardly made eye contacts. I felt as if I was a blank space, waiting for them to talk so I could write something down in my own thoughts.

Jogjakarta, 2019

March 2019
A short getaway to the special region in central Java was full of "what ifs".  it's still the beginning of 2019 yet I have made some serious, substantial, significant decisions. I have once again, lost.

I have always wanted to leave this country. Everyone has the freedom to choose where they want to be. I studied fucking hard to nail my IELTS test, hell I even took French course when I was in high school. To be free from this identity that was given to me by birth was everything I wanted. But I have lost once again.

Draft 02

There's been a conflict within myself that I can't explain. Yes, I've changed a lot in so many weird different ways. After this philosophical thinking that I had and (still having them sometimes). I feel so detached from myself, from this physical surroundings that we think we know. I just, can't get enough of the answers when everyone's basically avoiding my questions.

To be,
to feel completely aware,
to feel at least like you're worthy

Recently I do feel like I'm actually dying everyday by just, living. I feel that death is coming really soon and I am going to die which in fact, I know for sure that we are all going to die anyway. But I jus keep on losing myself everyday and I don't know why. I've been trying to figure out what's going on with myself. Maybe it's just that, I need the answer of our existence, I need to know the destiny of being me: what I'm destined to be, what I am to me, and to this world. I don't want to die like those chickens: being fed to be killed eventually.

God is a shepherd they say.
But what if I don't want to be one of his farm animals?
What if, I just want to be an exceptional animal that is given a different destiny?

--

My sister's been watching a superstitious show in Youtube about a family that can speak to ghosts and often get "possessed" by the ghosts. So I asked her, "How come people turn into ghosts when they die?"

and she said, "maybe it's because they killed themselves or they were murdered?"

It didn't come logical to me at all.. the answer. All this misery, and especially those who were murdered must've felt tremendous pain, how come they turned to be ghosts? Isn't it very exhausting?

I know there are some inexplicable things in this world. But to think about the substance of our existence which we don't know, one day is just wasted with lack of knowledge or self-awareness.

Draft

You're okay.
Know your worth.

Peace Seeker

I knew something was wrong with me but I just didn't know what.
I never thought that peace would be so important for me.

I told him, "No, I don't want money, I don't want career, I don't want to be anything. I just, deep down, I know I just need a peace of mind."

Manic Episode

Sure, I do remember those days when I set my schedule very perfectly and life was happening according to plan. I liked (maybe deep down inside I still do) doing so much things. I just, fucking oh god, I fucking like to think. You know? Just like a clock ticking, everything is being fast-forwarded in my head. This and that, here and there, run in flats, heels, loafers, sneakers, do things and more things made me feel so. fucking. alive. Energy, Inspiration, and the feeling of being inspired, are like crazily having threesome sex in my head. Everything has been exciting. Everyone has been so nice, everything mattered. Life, Art, Literature, Smile, the vastly dynamic world, the earth, and planets, and fucking Plato! Stars and Sky, limitless above. Dreams and wise endings aloft in the silent nights.

Depressive Episode

Things changed within me, though. Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I feel like she's asking, "Who are you?" "What are you doing here?" "Where are you gonna go now?". And my eyes looked at me, so so so differently, full of pity and regrets, and desperation. Looking back, I was that girl who loved to visit public events, trying to hang out with those hot af male models while wearing that tacky outfit from New Look. I was that girl, who tried to learn so many languages, and that girl who wrote stuff with the utmost bravery. Now I see, a fat-gaining coward who keeps on making the same old, real same old fallacies, and who forgets to reply others' messages. Now I look at myself in the mirror, and I feel like I am looking at someone else, full of fatigue, doubts, more doubts.


Am I experiencing that so-called second puberty?

Cerita Studio Begadang Ep. 4: Surat Pengunduran Diri

Dunia memang penuh kejutan. Menjadi manusia yang tidak memiliki kontrol penuh untuk diri sendiri maupun lingkungan tetapi memiliki rasa untuk menjadi be..bas tentunya sangat menyebalkan. Kami terlalu sering untuk fokus pada hal-hal yang datar sehinga kita lupa kalau bumi ini berputar. Begitu juga dengan kejadian-kejadian yang muncul kepadamu tiba-tiba: malam hari digigit nyamuk hingga bentol super besar, atau kejadian seperti ditilang polisi, hingga ditinggalkan orang terkasih. Kekonyolan dari ketiba-tibaan waktu yang menyelakmu seenaknya, padahal kamu sudah mengantri untuk mendapatkan sesuatu, atau menemui seseorang. Tiba-tiba saja, waktu menghentikan dan merenggut segalanya, membuat permainan baru.

Sepulang dari kantor, aku tersenyum berser-seri memikirkan malam esok di mana aku akan menghabiskan waktu bersama Robin. Call it a movie date or whatever, knowing that he still wants to spend the time with me outside work is already a good thing. Maksudku, pada akhirnya pertemanan lebih berharga dibandingkan hubungan rekan kerja bukan? Sebenarnya ada satu alasan mengapa aku sangat menghargai dan mengaharapkan pertemananku dan Robin. Hal tersebut adalah ketulusan hati Robin pada semua orang, termasuk kepadaku sendiri. Robin pandai mengatur emosinya sendiri, membuat kotak-kotak layaknya folder di mana ia harus menetapkan perasaannya pada setiap orang: dia hanya tersenyum ketika berbicara dengan Mamak, dia mampu menyelinap untuk memberi pendapat kepada Pak Bos, dan dia juga tahu kapan dia tidak boleh bertanya dan memberi alasan.

Suatu hari kami pernah berpergian ke pabrik salah satu merk sepatu internasional yang berada di Sukabumi, Jawa Barat untuk shooting video pembuatan sepatu tersebut. Sepulang dari pabrik, Robin ingin mengunjungi rumah salah satu buruh pabrik yang memiliki anak yang menderita polio. Aku pun bertanya kepadanya, "Kok repot-repot ke rumahnya segala?"

12:02 AM

Just say "No". It makes life easier.

Read my cheesy poem

Kedua Kutub Magnet yang Terpaut Kembali

Kami hidup memang saling berbeturan: entah itu Tuhan atau hanya gravitasi, kutub-kutub kami menarik kami kembali di sini: saat tawa terasa canggung dengan rindu yang tertahan dan percakapan yang kasual. Aku tidak tahu tentang dia, tetapi banyak sekali hal yang ingin aku bicarakan dengannya: tentang hujan salju di atas stasiun kereta api, atau tentang kedua tangan yang kedinginan yang saling mendekap. Percakapan mengenai asa, masa depan, dan realitas yang semu, serta leluconmu yang sangat aneh, dan gurauan sarkastik yang membuatku ingin berjumpa, dan kembali jatuh cinta, untuk sekali, dua kali, hingga kali-kali berikutnya.

Untuk menjadi yang paling beruntung, atau yang memiliki kesempatan untuk bersua, dan tertidur pulas dengan senyum yang lebar.

Terima kasih!
Terima kasih!

Cerita Studio Begadang: Ep. 3 Jingle Djarum Coklat

Bagiku, satu-satunya jingle yang artsy tetapi juga sangat sangat mudah diingat dan sangat pas untuk brand rokok adalah jingle Djarum Coklat. "Djarum Coklat, saat tepat, saat melepas gundah hatiiiii". Jingle yang kumaksud adalah jingle Djarum Coklat yang dulu dirilis: yang dinyanyikan oleh Nugie, Gigi dan Pagi bukan yang baru-baru ini di-remake. Setiap aku mulai "lelah" dengan pekerjaanku, aku selalu mengingat iklan video klip jingle tersebut: Meurutku, Jingle Djarum Coklat adalah bukti kalau iklan gak harus norak untuk bisa diingat. Mungkin, suatu hari nanti aku dapat memproduksi iklan tersebut. Suatu hari nanti.

Robin akhirnya  kembali ke mejanya setelah sekitar 30 menit keluar ruangan. Aku pura-pura tidak tahu tentang Playlist "Anastasia" dalam Spotify-nya. Ada beberapa lagu yang aku suka dalam playlist itu, seperti lagu ukulele, Wrong Victory oleh MS MR, Perfect day oleh Duran Duran, dan juga lagu Paul Anka "Put Your Head on My Shoulder". Aku kembali teringat dua hari lalu ketika sedang lembur bersama Robin. Dia sempat memutarkan lagu Paul Anka saat terbangun dari tidur singkatnya. Aku mulai berpikir apa mungkin Robin memiliki ketertarikan terhadapku hanya karena playlist bodoh itu. Tapi, apakah playlist itu sebenarnya ditujukan kepadaku atau apakah Anastasia memiliki arti lain? Pertanyaan seperti ini hanya bisa dijawab oleh Robin dan aku sangat takut untuk menanyakannya. Ah, sudahlah. 

"Udah, Na. Gak usah dipikirin." ujar Robin tiba-tiba membuyarkan lamunanku. 

Aku terbelalak menatapnya. "Maksudmu?"

"Iya, revisiannya. Gak usah dipikirin." balasnya dengan santai.

Aku tertawa sendiri, hampir saja aku merasa Robin dapat membaca pikiranku. "Siapa juga yang mikirin!" balasku padanya dengan nada ketus.

Djarum Coklat, Saat tepat, saat melepas gundah hati. 

Dalam hati, aku nyanyikan lirik jingle tersebut. Hati yang gundah adalah hati yang mudah untuk didekati. Ya, kurasa itu benar. Hati yang tenang merasa bersyukur dengan yang sudah ia miliki: ia tidak memerlukan ketenangan lagi. Mungkin, gundah di sini diartikan sebagai suasana di mana orang yang merokok merasa "gundah" karena belum merokok, atau "gundah" karena ada masalah tertentu, sehingga Djarum Coklat menjadi saat tepat untuk melepas kegundahan hatinya.

Aku menatap Robin sesaat, lelaki kurus dengan postur tubuh yang tinggi dengan selera musik yang aneh. Robin mengetahui musik-musik dari seluruh dunia. Dia pernah memberi tahu aku tentang musik hits negara Azerbaijan, atau musik yang sedang digemari di Bosnia saat ini. Aku menatap Robin, berusaha mencuri pandangannya yang masih berkutat pada aplikasi music editor tersebut. 

"Rob?" aku menyenderkan kepalaku di dinding kubikelnya.

"Yes?" dia balik menatapku.

Cerita Studio Begadang: Ep. 2 Playlist Yang Mencurigakan

Bukan suatu keanehan lagi untuk tiba di rumah pukul 5 pagi, atau bahkan tidak pulang sama sekali. Hal yang paling aku hindari setelah pulang bekerja adalah ditanya "dari mana?" atau "kok baru pulang?". Begini ya, orang tua, memangnya ada ya orang yang mau bekerja hingga lembur sampai pagi? Jadi mengapa repot-repot bertanya? Di saat-saat seperti ini, aku sering pulang bareng Robin: ya, si cowok Paul Anka itu. Rumah kami memang searah dan biasanya kami janjian untuk lembur bareng walaupun tidak selalu bareng dengan Robin. Misalnya, kami lembur bertiga atau aku lembur berdua dengan yang lain. Robin sering menumpang sarapan di rumah karena disuruh mampir sebentar oleh Mamak. Saat Robin sarapan pagi ini lah Mamak bertanya-tanya pada Robin tentang pekerjaanku, apa saja yang aku lakukan, apakah aku harus lembur, dan lain sebagainya. Robin tidak banyak bicara namun tidak membuat Mamakku gusar juga. Dia selalu tenang sambil meneguk teh hangatnya dan tersenyum dengan sabar.

Di tengah pekerjaan yang menguras energi, aku sebenarnya senang merasakan udara dingin pukul 4 pagi: saat aku dan Robin pulang dengan sepeda motorya. Nuansa langit kelabu bercampur biru dengan embun pagi di kaca-kaca halte dan jalanan yang lembab basah. Di saat-saat orang lain baru hendak memulai harinya, kami baru saja menyudahi hari kami yang berlangsung selama 29 jam. Sesampainya di rumah biasanya aku memberi notofikasi di grup kantor bahwa aku akan datang lebih siang karena habis lembur, kemudian aku akan tidur hingga jam 12 siang.

Keesokan harinya, aku tiba di studio sekitar pukul jam 2 siang. Aku melihat Robin tengah duduk di mejanya dengan headset-nya. Aku berjalan menuju kubikelku untuk melihat feedback dari Account Executive (AE) yang berurusan dengan klien tersebut. Ah, suntuk sekali rasanya. Passion-ku adalah passion klienku: kadang mereka norak sekali mereka tidak tahu apa yang mereka lakukan.

My head, my safest place, the completely honest of myself. 

Cerita Studio Begadang: Pukul 3 Pagi dan Lagu Paul Anka

"Sudah malam, tidur." begitu ujarnya sambil menatapku yang masih terjaga sambil mengerjakan desain-desain yang belum selesai. Dirinya tengah terlelap untuk beberapa waktu. Suara pensil gambarku atau suara keyboard laptopku mungkin membangunkannya. Aku melirik jam dinding. Jam menunjukan sudah pukul jam 3 pagi. Aku menghela nafas.

"Sebentar lagi, ya. Klien udah bawel." ujarku padanya. 

Dia mulai merenggangkan otot-ototnya sambil menguap kemudian duduk di tepi sofa yang ia tiduri itu. Wajahnya terlihat kacau, masih setengah mengantuk. Ini lah yang kami lakukan hampir setiap saat iklan harus di-propose keesokan harinya.. Dia mengangkat alisnya, "Ada yang bisa ku bantu gak?" tanyanya, sambil merogoh laptop miliknya di bawah sofa.

Aku menggeleng. "It's okay, you did your part." kataku padanya.

Sesaat kemudian, terdengar lagu Paul Anka 'Put your head on my shoulder". Saat itu, pukul tiga pagi di studio tempat kami bekerja. Biasanya dia urusan musik, aku urusan desain visual.

"just a kiss good night, maybe you and I will fall in love" begitu Tuan Anka menyanyikannya.

Aku turut bernyanyi dalam hati, "put your head on my shoulder, whishper in my ear 'baby'.." 

Tak lama kemudian, lagu tersebut tak terdengar lagi setelah dia menghubungkan earphones putih itu pada colokan laptopnya. Pukul tiga pagi itu, di tengah dingin dan redupnya studio, walaupun lagu Paul Anka sudah menyapa, dia tetap tidak memalingkan pandangannya dari aplikasi music editor tersebut.

Berbicara dalam Bisu

Tidak ada manusia yang ingin dilahirkan. Jika memang lubang hitam itu ada, jika memang ruang dan waktu memang benar-benar diciptakan: sebagai sesuatu yang bertstruktur, sebagai sesuatu yang dapat diukur, yang dapat dipermainkan, siapa yang benar-benar mau tenggelam di dalam galaksi luas hanya ditemani ratusan juta orang? Kami semua kesepian. Kami semua sakit hati. Pikir itu baik-baik!

Mungkin planet ini hanya bola kecil di luar angkasa yang sebenarnya terdiri dari bola-bola kecil lainnya di dalam bola kecil, di dalam bola kecil lainnya. Apakah kita sebenarnya virus-virus nakal yang mengotori tata surya? Dimensi penuh dimensi dipenuhi dimensi lainnya yang semuanya tidak dapat masuk di akal. Kami berpikir keras sekeras mungkin dengan berbagai asumsi mengapa kami dilahirkan dan diciptakan selain itu membuat repot kami sendiri dan lingkungan kami?

Oh, ayam. Aku sungguh benar-benar minta maaf karena kami menghidupkanmu, memberimu makan, dan kami mematikanmu untuk kami makan. Apakah manusia sebenarnya hanya 200 juta ekor ayam di mata alam semesta ini? Apakah kami harus diberi makan agar saat kami mati, mereka dapat memakan kami semua? Kami telah menjadi begitu sombong telah berternak ayam, sapi, ikan-ikan, bahkan babi-babi. Aku sudah begitu nyaman memakan ayam dan menggoreng ikan sehingga aku lupa kalau aku akan dimakan nantinya, di telan bumi dan dilahirkan kembali melalui partikel-partikel hara tanah, menjadi gizi yang dimakan seorang bayi yang baru lahir, yang mengatasnamakan cinta! Jika aku terlahir kembali, aku akan menjadi bayi yang menangis paling keras hingga mereka dengar! Dimensi-dimensi akan bergetar malu! 

"Untuk apa sih bocah ini dilahirkan lagi selain untuk menulis propaganda terhadap sistem yang tidak bisa dihentikan!"

Aku tidak mau hidupku menjadi teka-teki dan matiku menjadi sel-sel yang membau dan membusuk. Hingga saat ini, semuanya sama saja: semuanya kesepian dan semuanya sakit hati. 

Aneurisme

Aku ingin, raga diterpa angin pagi yang hangat, membawa harumnya uap air laut dan gemerisik ilalang di ujung tebing itu. Matahari bersinar dengan puas sepanjang hari, ditemani burung-burung yang melintas, dan babi-babi hutan yang bersembunyi di balik pepohonan. Aku melihat tubuhku sendiri, hampir tidak memakai apa-apa: hanya kain tipis yang membalut tubuh dan rasa aman yang selalu ada. Suatu hari itu, kala dia datang menjemputku, akan aku hempaskan nafas terpanjang dan senyuman termanis, dan kuuraikan rambutku dengan BE BAS. Kala suatu hari itu datang, akan aku tenggelamkan masa lalu ke dalam palung terdalam bersama belasungkawa mereka.

Aku hanya ingin hidup bersama matahari, dan gemerirsik ilalang, dan nyanyian burung gereja. Suatu hari, aku akan menulis hingga mentari terbenam dan tertidur pulas setelah menghitung bintang-bintang. Aku ingin terbebas dari manusia, agama, polusi udara, gaya hidup, FESYEN, berat badan, edukasi. Suatu hari kelak akan datang, suara-suara menggebu yang melepaskan jiwa dari segala-galanya.

Suatu hari kala aku tak mampu berdiri, dan darah tak mampu mengalir, aneurisme menjemputku, dan aku akan bahagia. Antara ada atau tiada Tuhan, tidak ada manusia yang ingin dilahirkan. suatu hari nanti, aku akan menyatu dengan angin, tanah, air, kotoran, semuanya. Suatu hari nanti, aku akan bebas. 

APRIL PLAYLIST: BRAZILIAN MUSIC ( I KNOW IT'S MAY ALREADY!)

Bom dia! It's really not my fault if I end up liking brazilian music, I mean you can blame Lele Pons and friends. They basically, introduced me to Anitta, a brazilian singer. I've always been attached to a song by its lyrics. I love Spanish, but I've also strated to like Portuguese. Yes, basically I can blame Lele Pons for this brazilian madness. I've watched her dancing video featuring Juanpa, they were dancing to this song by Anitta "Downtown."