Lost

It may be difficult to understand or try to understand your feelings everytime. I keep asking myself "Wait, what am I feeling?" "How am I supposed to feel about it?" "Are my feelings alright?" "is it okay to feel this way?", and actually, it may just burst into this particular thought: I don't want to feel at all, I want to flow like the stream of the river, I want to move around like the branch of the trees following the breeze of the wind. I don't want to feel at all. I don't want to find out. I just want to be found, just like how I found the thrill of random acting class, or the poem about sex, or that binary code lesson I had late at night. To be frank, I don't I think that I can find myself once again like how I did back in that corner with cold feet and a mind full of unspoken words of liberation. I look at myself in the mirror and I see how the time has passed and how I have been shaped by the speed of this city, and by other people's pace. I feel like I am lost, somewhere in between, detached from the dreams I had, and drowned deeply into the unrealistic reality. At times like this, I know why "crazy" or "mentally-ill" people would wander around on the street, staring at nothing, and keep on walking without actually having a clear destination. Sometimes I do want to wander and find myself again (if possible)

Thinking about the future

There is one thing that makes me feel enough remorseful towards agricultural revolution. As a human, we developed from nomadic lifestyle to a more "settled" way of life. We began to learn how to grow plants and farm the animals, figuring out so many ways (even with violence) to domesticate the nature. However, there is one thing that I, crazily hate about the agricultural revolution: the prediction of a future. Life as a nomadic must've been simpler: we would've been gathering fruits for a couple of days, or find the right time to hunt to keep our tummies full that time. We would play around, being lazy and reluctant when we're "full". However, agricultural revolution has led us human to think about the future. "What if?", "What if, the plants fail to grow?", "What if, rain doesn't come?","What if the animals get sick?" Just like me, stumbling upon the thoughts of so many "what ifs". Je veux te dire que j'ai peur. J'ai tres peur. Je ne comprends pas. J'ai utilisé la musique, l'arte et les autres activités pour mon tranquilité. Mais, j'avait toujours peur. Je pense que j'ai très peur du futur mais je ne suis pas sûr. Je ne sais pas pourqoui j'ecris en Francais maintenant. est-ce que parce que j'ai aussi peur si quelqu'un decouvre cette secrete? C'est l'anxiete que je deteste. Je deteste la vie en general parce que l'anxiete que les ancesteurs a decouvre dans la revolution d'agriculture. Est'ce que ca va si je blâme les ancesteurs pour cette forme inutile de l'evolution du humain?