Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Selamat pagi, 2015

Banyak yang bercerita malam kemarin, bagaimana dia ingin pergi berkeliling dengan ayahnya, bagaimana dia ingin memasak marshmallow dengan kekasihnya, bagaimana dia tidak bisa tidur, bagaimana ayahnya memaksanya untuk naik genting, bagaimana dia tidak peduli dengan kembang api, bagaimana dia terlelap, bagaimana dia merindukan anaknya, bagaimana dia gelisah, bagaimana dia kelaparan, bagaimana dia mencari inspirasi. Banyak cerita, banyak yang didengar, banyak yang menjadi kesan, banyak yang sekedar pesan, banyak yang tenggelam di kesementaraan hiasan malam.

dan di tengah kesementaraan itu, satu saat, bumi berhenti berbicara, dan manusia berhenti berpikir, dan jantung berhenti memacu darah-darah hangat yang bersemangat.

Lampu-lampu yang bisu, melihat kesejanakan bumi terdiam, makin menerangi malam yang buta. Bintang-bintang tenggelam, menelan semua rasa dan semua asa dalam suatu kesunyian.

Aku memandang ke jarak nan jauh, di sana aku bertemu lautan yang rendah merendah, dan aku menemukan diriku, di tinggi meningginya langit sedang berdoa.

Di sana, sekali lagi, aku bersyukur.
Selamat Tahun baru

Embrace yourself

No I don't wanna go to Chile and meet some Mespuchas. And I don't want to go to the hill and wait for my people to jump off the clift. People say stumbling is bad, but I actually like the feel of falling, and they say we are blinded, so why not let us be. I'm a sickness, I'm a virus, I live. Live in the shadows in the clouds in the wind under the ground wherever I like and I will survive, and so will you. Bugs won't even dare to touch our blood my darlings. Embrace yourself, this is it. This always it.

With 1:04 am thoughts

Sunday, December 21, 2014

It's a big fat world, filled with big fat things, some people want things to be theirs, some just, take a sip of feel, but not actually owning. Funny how I see the lights in the street, shining, but don't belong to anyone or anything, but they still look so great. I forced myself to watch difficult things, and I made things so difficult, but they were mine, at least.

Welterusten, Siti Suwarni

De         kat
De         kat
De                        kat
De                        kat
De                        kat
De         ka              p
Ja     uh
Ja        uh
De  kat
De kat
Aku mendekap
Selamat jalan

And I've fallen

To like something, or to pretend to like something. Big different, big deal. Why do you keep asking things that are so, not inexplicable? How am I going to answer, when the answer is not an answer, it consists more questions, and I still can's answer them all. Lack of interests, lack of everything. And I've fallen to the sea, inside another sea, inside another sea, and I can't breathe, but I can swim. Pretending to like something.

Sunday, December 7, 2014


What a great great escape. You held my hand, and it was us against the night. It was us against the people it was us against the cold. We felt so fucking mighty.

Some things felt so fast yet so slow. We were like, distance photography, catching lights, losing lights. No immune needed, no food, just laughs and the wind, and the heat. Crazed but sober.
It was a great journey.

"It makes me sit and wonder, how you've never bothered, when I said I wanna be free" - Clare Maguire


Monday morning. I have just prepared myself to go back to college. Everything is packed but myself. Mother was busy picking clothes for me to this vacation I'm about to go to. And she knew I was s not excited until she told me to open my suitcase which was full of clothes she picked. 
They were beautiful. They are beautiful. I found it funny how God wanted me to get closer to him by showing his love through one thing I love; fashion. It feels really phenomenal. And I think I'm ready to go, to you know... to get such a revelation.
I have a boyfriend now, and he's the coolest guy I know after my grandpa, my dad, and my uncle Radif. He's like, the boy version of me. We went out yesterday. We were looking for 120 film, the uh the analogue film. We drove to the south part of Jakarta for nothing. We didn't find it. And we took the bus and we took another bus, running, just like in those movies, and we took pictures, and we saw things differently, and we ended up watching Penguins of Madagascar. How I love randomness.
I remember my old friend, who lives in the desert, fighting his rights, or maybe he's doing nothing. And I remember my old friend, who lives in the farm, having a lot of cows, playing hide and seek, or maybe, her cows are dead now and she's stuck in the city. Remembering things, funny things, good things, without knowing if they're still good or still funny, I keep presuming they stay the same though.
I miss watching my favorite TV shows. funny ones, cool ones, inspiring ones. And  I have to do a stand up comedy for my public-speaking test. So stressing out. But what the hell. Currently, I'm really grateful for what I have now. I'm loving myself, and my life, and what I do. I think I've become completely human.


 Ada di setiap melesatnya fikir, atau ada di setiap langkah kaki. Ada, namun tak terlihat, tak terbenak, ada namun tidak ada. Bagai angin sepoi musim semi, ketiadaan datang ke dalam hidup saya. Ketiadaan itu menjadi ada. Sesaat, saya melihatmu di tengah keramaian, dan saya mendengarmu di tengah kebisingan. Dan saya akan terus mendengar dan melihatmu sampai saya tidak mampu, lagi. Dan mungkin kau akan muncul kembali, tiba-tiba.

Kau akan selalu memberi saya rasa ketiba-tibaan. Rasa akut yang terus terjadi, munculnya gagasan dalam benak, itulah yang akan kita sampaikan. Dan ketika itu terjadi, ketakutan dan keraguan akan pergi. Dan berkali-kali, saya akan jatuh kepada ketiba-tibaanmu, dan membuat kita selalu ada.