Friday, December 30, 2011

I made a video during my major boredom. enjoy.
I tried to call this morning. but the number was busy. I get frustrated most of the time. and sometimes, I try to decide to let it go. but somehow I start to think that I can't just let it go. nope. I won't let you go that easy... Man, I wonder what it's like out there... what it's like for you.. not being me. sometimes I wish someone I miss the most would miss me as much as I miss them too. could it be true? do you miss me as much as I miss you or, you just miss me in your way of missing someone; not talking to the person.

c o m e  c l o s e r

If keyboard is your weapon, you'll never find your war. If you dont find your war, you will never find out whether you're win you're lose cause you're fucking ignored by your rival, dumbass. i mean get smarter, really. you're old enough to get rid of your permanent mental retardation. it's obvious, you're just a weirdly coward boy-band obsessed imbecile who barely notice a single crap in your surrounding. ah i know why you're retarded you've been reading brainwashing books that cost 6 dollars each. what the fuck. i mean really. what the fuck is wrong with your head? it seems like you're oh totally fucked in the head, you ugly whore. 

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Passion - Pixelated.

Day 6, dth movie; Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows

so I went to the cinema today, and I decided to watch Sherlock Holmes 2! oh my god, it's sherlock holmes 2 people! 2! you're kidding me right? theyve got 2! I've watched the first one and i was amazed by his his cleverness. and today i just watched the second one;) wow. 
after watching this movie, i started to think about me taking the science class for 11th grade, and be a detective as I'm graduating high school ;)

In this movie, Dr. Watson finally got married. Miss Adler died. Sherlock found a gypsy friend from france who was looking for her brother named Rene. the bastard in this movie is James Moriarty. there's also his brother here named Mycroft. he found this adrenaline-stimulant that could cure Gladstone from this illness from this posionous fruit he gave. this adrenaline-stimulant eventually saved him from his death. wow. 

It's a new movie my friend.... so i am not gonna tell you everything. i'll let your spriti of excitement raise its highest level. then bam! i'll let it explode as you start watching the movie;) fidy lebay... watch it! or else.... nothing ahahahaha just watch it it' so asdfghjkl awesome ;)

Day 5, 5th movie; I am Slave

This is the fifth movie I watched for my movie-reporting challenge
This is a movie about a slave. a salve named maila anuur who was forecly taken by these horrible arab-faced people. she was bought by this arabian woman, and had to work for her. the master didn't pay her. the arab bitch even beat her up cause she was playing with the bitch's daughter. malia was bought by the age of 12. she was separated from her family until she turned 18. 

 by the age of 18 she was brought to London to work for the bitch's sister. not too long after, she finally ran away with some help from this black stranger. he helped her to get into a cab and also helped her to contact her parents in this africanish loaction's a great movie. it made me cry, really. too much slow motions though haha i had to fasten it >.< i couldn't help myself. but it's a great movie. slavery should be vanished today.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Day 4, 4th movie; The Pianist

 This is the fourth movie I watched this week. I am sorry I didn't report this movie punctually. this is because my personal coputer was used by my cousins these past 2 days. the kids are spending their vacation here, so yep.

"The Pianist" told me a story about the survival of a polish pianist named Wladyslaw Szpilman (Wladek) during World War II. Wladek was Jewish. He died by the age of 80, on 2000. FYI, the movie is in english so don't you worry ;) Man, if i were Wladek, I'd be super thankful to God. He was just so damn lucky. Random people helped him. it kinda showed me that although you are alone, helps will just come if you've been such a great person to your surroundings. :)

War is bad. Thought everybody should KNOW.
"German fuckers." said a polish man when he was released from a german prison.
"Son of bitches. dirty bastard!" the polish man went on.
He walked around those arrested germans. and he shouted, "You took everything away from me! I am a musician! you took my violin away! You took my soul!" Ouch burns.

Back there in Warsaw, Poland. Jews had to wear this emblem so the germans can see the difference between those non-jews and those jews. Jews weren't even allowed to walk on the curbs, jews had to respect german soldiers, andthey should do what those germans told them. those jews were moved to this jew camp... some of them were moved to another camp, and eventually got killed by the Nazis. Wladek was about to be moved to that other camp, but this jew police rescued him. thats when he was separated from his family. he became a labor worker who worked for those germans.
It was bad.
There's this scene where a defected old man was sitting in a wheelchair. he was told by the germans to standup. he didn't obey that instruction cause he wasn't be able to use his legs anymore. ther germans finally threw him down to the first floor, and he died. that was tragically funny. >.<

I recommend you to watch this. no sex scene, only violence. don't let the children watch it though. but yeah. this movie has won 3 academy awards. it's a great movie, really.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

I just got my teen vogue and nylon yesterday. However, I don't feel like reading them at all. my vacation has started. I've been planning stuff on my notebook. my financial is pathetic at the moment. so I don't see any possibility of any awesome recreation nor fancy self-entertainment this vacation. i'll just blog all day or maybe watch short movies on youtube. i haven't gone to a salon this month. haven't got my hairspa. I've been gaining weights. now i am 46 kilos from 44 kilos (we dont do lbs thingy here). I've been also trying to read this book about public relation, and also have been trying to read this history of france book. but i get bored. I also have been trying to pronounce french words from this book called "La fontaine fables". but i don't understand a word but "la cigale et la fourmi" hahaha
Anyways, I am pretty pathetic. >.< 

Merry Christmas everyone.

Day 3. 3rd movie; Our Idiot Brother

3rd movie for movie-reporting challenge. I should've written it yesterday, but I didn't finish a single movie yesterday hahaha. I tried to watch "The Empire of The Sun", and then "Bright Star", and finally "Mr. Bones", but wasn't be able to finish watching 3 of them. so I am reporting "Our Idiot Brother" that I watched a day before. hehe please forgive me blog :D

 The movie is about 3 sisters who have an "idiot" brother. I don't think he's idiot. he's just too honest, too friendly and too sympathetic to people. Man he was arrested for selling grass (grass as in weeds) to a cop. i mean isn't that stupid? he loves his friend's dog named Willie Nelson so much. he even loves the dog more than he loved his ex girlfriend. thats so dumb. the reason why i bought this movie is cause of Zooey Deschanel. haha. i love her. she's just oh so pretty and oh so acceptable. she plays as a lesbian Natalie in that movie. so yep.

The movie was entertaining, wasn't confusing at all. it's very watchable... it's just that there are some heavy words in it like "fuck", so i think it's not suitable for children. but um if you dare then what the hell. merci.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Day 2, 2nd Movie; Aquamarine

 This is another movie for movie-reporting challenge.
 I bought the dvd today. umm i dont know why I chose that movie, maybe it has.. mermaid on its cover, and i thought "oh, ariel! mermaid thingy thing! I'm gonna watch this one haha"

So the movie is about a mermaid named Aquamarine that tries to prove her dad that love exists. Her dad thinks that a daughter should marry what her parents choose for her. she was about to marry a blowfish. then she met these 2 best friends; Claire (Emma roberts) and Hailey (Jojo). Hailey was about to leave florida and move to australia. Neither Hailey nor Claire wanted Hailey to leave, but according to Hailey's mum career, she has to travel a lot. So, to make Hailey stay, Claire and Hailey started to help Aqua to find her love. she was interested in this guy named Raymond. Three of them have to make Ray fall in love with Aqua in three days, so it's pretty frustrating. haha. there's also a bitch in it. her name is cecillia, her father works as a weather reporter. she's the kind of poser bitchy bitch that somehow will always be a bitch. HAHA

The colors were bright... good lightings, okay costumes, okay effects, good editings. good plots, not even confusing. no flashback... it's understandable, it's edible for movie watchers hahaha. but it's immature. it's like "Mean Girls". you know all-american-girl movie thingy, with flirty, giggly attitudes. it was good though. it was pretty entertaining, but I don't know, i'm not keen of watching it again, but people could give it a try.

Sonnenstrahl by Schandmaul

I have this old friend who brought up this german band named "Schandmaul" while we were talking. I looked it up on youtube, and this Sinnenstrahl song showed up. Sonnenstrahl means Sunlight or Sunray, I don't know haha. This song is about someone who tries to be something that's just perfect. In the beginning of this song, the singer sings, "Ich wär so gern ein kleiner Sonnenstrahl, ein kleiner Lichtblitz, Lichtblick am Horizont, ein Gute-Laune-Bringer, ein Friedensbote und ein Freudenspender, Glücksversender, ein Lächeln ohne Grund." which means "I'd love to be; A little sunray, A friendly lightning, Gleam of hope at the horizon, A high-spirits bringer, An envoy of peace and, A joy donator luck consignor; A smile without reason"
And the song continues...

Ich würd' Dich dann verfolgen, stets Deinen Weg erhellen,
alle Schatten vertreiben, alle Hindernisse fällen,
und wenn alles grau ist in Deinem See der Seele,
wär ich der einzige Farbklecks, Hoffnungsschimmer nur für Dich
Doch zu meinem Bedauern werd' ich davon gar nichts sein,
denn ich bin stinknormal und habe lediglich nur Schwein,
dass Du an mir was findest, drum versuche ich zumindest
vom Sonnenstrahl, vom Fisch, vom Baum ein Stück für Dich zu klauen.

I'd follow you
always lighten your ways
scare away all shadows
free your ways of all obstacles
and when everything is grey
in the sea/lake/waters of your soul
I'd be the only blob/drop of colour
a glimmer of hope, only for you

But much to my regret
I won’t be this or this
Cause I’m common-or-garden (Ordinary in my version)
And happy to have this luck
That you like me in some way
That’s why I try at least
To steal a bit of sunray fish
And tree, just for you

You're probably confused. HAHA. try looking at this post again, absorb the words, and interpret. It's beautiful. 

Day One. 1st Movie; KATYN.

 This is the first movie I watched. I'm trying to do this  Movie-reporting Challenge during this vacation, so yeah. enjoy.
Katyn. Have you ever heard of it? Katyn crime... um Katyn forest?
This movie is about Katyn Forest Massacre during the World War Two. It's a polish movie. so better watch it with a translation

Soviet began to help Poland to defeat Germany in September 1939 (I guess?). Some soldiers of Poland were hijacked by the red army (Soviets) and became their prisoners. however, soviets claimed that they were there to help, so people would trust them. in 1940, thousands of prisoners were brought to Katyn Forest, in Russia about 400 km away from Moscow. soviets = russia by the way. those prisoners were killed there. what stupid was, the soviets falsely reported that those soldiers were killed by the germans. people were furious at germans, but some polish citizens slowly found out that soviet betrayed them; that soviets were the ones who killed the polish soldiers. i think thats why hitler would hate stalin so much. i mean what an asshole, right?

the movie was depressing for me. it was interesting though. but it was depressing. you have to watch it really carefully so you can understand the whole movie. the plots were mixed i guess... it started with a flashforward at the beginning, and there was this flashback plot at the end. so the plots were mixed up. better watch it carefully.

It's a great movie afterall. it kinda showed me that Hitler wasn't that bad.. duh! i mean it was a war, people would manipulate each other.... so yeah. boo stalin, hail hitler, poor polish. -_-

Movie-reporting challenge starts today!

Okay, I will watch at least one movie in one day, and I will post it to my blog what's the movie about; what's stupid, what's smart, what's lame, what's awesome, and yep, I'll start reporting today. Enjoy.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

 It started with a moment when my brain released its endorphin. I started to take a long, deep breath. and i closed my eyes slowly. I felt the nothingness within me for a while, oh so peaceful it was... so tranquil. everything was so immaculate. I was stoic, but quiet. The time I start to sink deeper, I woke up.
That's how I realized i was alone.
"When you find the place that your heart belongs, you'll never leave"


"Never meant to make you sad."
That could be an excuse, right? It doesn't make sense at all. Everytime you hurt someone, you have found out at the beginning. "This is not right" your heart would tell. But we all would still do it; hurt each other. we knew we would hurt each other, we lied to each other saying "I've never meant to hurt you" although we fucking did mean to hurt each other.
"I didn't want to make you sad."
Of course you fucking did want to make me sad. It's so FUCKING abvious, fucking cunt. it's just a fake excuse. we can never make a perfect decision, so we make up another excuse, "I had no choice" or "I had to."

Cause i know we've always meant to hurt each other in a various condition. we, humans, who else? decisions are made to be something that makes everything clear. once you make a decision, you fucking know what will happen. God will only just smile, He is not interefering. why would He? God knows we know what we're choosing.

It's abstract, dear. It's abstract. I don't know what I want now. But I obviously don't want this. I really don't.
People throw each other away then make up excuses like "I had no choice, but you know I have never meant to hurt you." please nigger, go fucking wipe your ass.
And tt actually hurts a little more when you receive that kind of excuse. it feels like you actually wanna start over but you can't, and you don't want to, but you want to, but something tells you that you can't, or not be able to, not allowed to...
And it's frustrating. I would know.

Oh well, I am getting used to it.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

The beatles - Girl

It started with a wish to walk back to the past. and i began to hope everything would stay the same every time. 
Sometimes you would find myself out of nowehere, and somehow you'd lose me again.
Cycles. Routines. You call it.
We're gonna make our fourth year next year. We somehow will find each other and lose each other again. 
But i have never stopped hoping. I wouldn't stop hoping. being the same and having you the same makes it perfect. 
What i love about us is that, we keep finding each other even when we have already found each other. that makes us stick together all this time. 

today, we are starting over. we're still the same, we're just not in the same time we were back then. 

Friday, December 16, 2011

isn't that elvis? ;)



The last month is the rough one. I have to deal losing this and that this month. people started to be meaner. there are a lot of shocking news that were reported to me. my grades are decreasing. i am getting dumber. "down-syndrome-score-maker". it's awesome. hah right.
I have been shocked by stupid news these past four days. they're oh so distracting me hehe. i am fucking up my life more and more... and i need to fix it immediately. merry christmas fidy. you're once again such a disgusting failure to everyone.

Thursday, December 15, 2011


"Oh Anthony, can't I leave? if neurons to neurons would talk, what would they say; how are we gonna explode ourselves? that's funny right. it's oh so funny.. I am fucked up Ton, can't you see? what am i gonna do? do this and that and end up shitlessly nervous. or nervously shitless. I can't even think well Ton, better get real or get lost."

Be gone.

Life goes on, we should move on, don't stick around. 
I don't like life now. If I could ever take a shortcut, I would. People are made to be come and gone. Problems are made to be solved. I like stalemate now. it's actually similar to Gossen's law.
I barely push myself to face my problems right now... I even hate it. I feel like, there's no need to fix it, cause it'll get fixed soon.  maybe. i don't even care now. I hate it. i don't give a shit about it and i won't. its's up to you. I'll be an adult in 2 years and will be able to play GTA, and also will be able to go anywhere i like and do anything i like, I mean even my country even permits that  right?
Fidy's sick. she needs pills hahaha
or maybe just a mercy.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011


I had to find that picture all the way to the north pole. okay jokes. there's no art gallery in the north pole. 

It started with the urge to be someone else. the low amount of satisfaction made me want to do that. and then failures came as I started to not be myself. which is stupid cause I didn't expect any failures if I would stop being myself. oh well, it turns out like the worls hates fake people. the world probably hates me. 

I am not expecting myself to be "perfect" though. it's just that I want me to be good enough. good enough for you, mum, dad, granddad, grandmum.


I think that's it.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Social Faculty.

I have decided.
I think that is why I am declaring it.

I don't think my grades will let me take those science classes next year, so I'll be learning social studies in eleventh grade. It's not a bad thing though. It's just that, I've expected my self to be a neuron specialist, but I have failed science subjects so many times. and by being irrationally optimistic about taking science classes, it would upset me at the end. anyways it's not that social classes are bad. we just think subjectively. and we will actually consider science theories in order to make a philosophical conclusion. :D

Mum will be upset. I am sure she will. I should've not taken those extra courses... they're just a waste of money. And mum doesn't like wasting money. so I am certainly gonna be in a deep emotional breakdown cause of all thoese guilty-feelings next week.

Anyways I've been planning to be a social analysist, or maybe a journalist, so I think it's okay for me to take social classes. But I'll just lose all the awesome chances to work in a science field.


Saturday, December 10, 2011

Rainy Saturday

Things happen when it rains. 
I would know.

In germany, they'll say "Du wirst es verkraften"
But I am not in germany, and nobody will tell me that, so yeah. 

I knew you were going to leave me. but I don't want to know when that is. I don't wanna know how, I just want to realize that someday, there's something missing and I'll just be, okay with it.
But I always know. I always know when you are leaving me, how you're leaving me, and how I'm going to feel about it. 

And everything's just gonna be teary. 

Take a deep breath.  go on, type again.

I am losing you more and more everyday. It's like, a slow motion process. and I know it's happening. I know it's happening.

type again.
now stop.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Please catch.

dear dream catcher,
please stay awake as I fall asleep
 when you see what i wish
please catch.


It's not like I've always wanted to share bad news. 
You're probably exhausted of hearing those bad news. 
You're probably tired of dealing the same thing with me. 
You're probably super embarrassed or unbelievably mortified.

It's been me. I made this happen. and somehow I just never regret it. the way it happens so often makes me think that it's a normal cycle, or a routine. and  I am  honestly, not tired of this. it's like, just another lame thing that would come and go. 

but i do regret making you sad, though. i regret making them sad.
but i am not here, pleasing any of you. i am truly sorry that few of you have probably pleased me but i've never pleased you back. maybe it's my talent; not pleasing everyone.

You don't have to be nice to me. Punish me if you want. make me feel like being punished; the feeling I have never felt. 

Actually I don't know what I should do now. I don't even know what i should feel; angry, sad, pissed, happy. it doesn't seem to be mattered anymore (lebay). well it's true. my vision always directs me to the future... it often feels like, what i did, then it's done. i just wanna leave it, and live what hasn't been lived. 

He once said, "I don't want you getting down syndrome level scores anymore"
But maybe having down-syndrome-level scores is my ability. so what can you do? :)

Sunday, December 4, 2011


So the lappy started to work with Linux yesterday. I am now like a woman trying to operate a braille crossword, which is dumb. but since windows has been messing with this lappy, oh well yeah we took LInux.

I've been trying to blog the shit out of my ass. the fuck you have, fid? i can'tput my shit on my blog or can i? nope I can't.

I've been trying to blog my heart out. It's been quiet, abstract. on-off feelings have been felt these days. The only thing i know is that, I miss the old feeling of everything; the fresh morning air i took on the first day of high school. it was, monday i think. and the closest feel i've been even though it was the farthest position i've been. okay this is gonna confuse you to death.
The most important thing is that, I miss you... us. 
it takes my nerves to set up a nostalgic thought everytime i sit alone in silence. it's not like it's been such a personal urge to, go back. but it seems like i don't wanna deal with this situation. at least not without you. or i don't know. i feel like i haven't really solved the prob with you. is this what you call the L word, or just another miserable yearning? I don't know.
Me, blogging here is just interpretating. I have zero percent of being sarcastic to anyone right now. so go fucking erase your negative thought.

well so long, sleep tight memories. we shall meet again