Tuesday, December 8, 2015



What feels even more bewildering, to see sincerity is washed away, with dust and wind, with rain and tears, with felony and ignorance. What would you desire even more, when sincerity isn't never worth; the sincere of sacrificial, the sincere of love, the sincere of friendship, were never meant anything. The hardest question is that, where I went wrong, when I did nothing wrong. When I acted how I asked to, when I hoped with your expectation, when I grew with your wishes, when I basically wanted to be what you wanted. 

Why does sincerity ruin your soul? when it was so good, so kind, so innocent, so sinless. When it ends in vain, when sincerity is forgotten, what was all the good for? Where is the universe to be asked why, where is the horizon to explain how, where are people to apologize, and where is self to realize?

Saturday, December 5, 2015

By Christopher Jobson
It's been a while since my very last intention to write. I've always wanted to write, but some things seemed quite more important than writing recently. So now, no, I've always come to my stagnation where I just stop, and make more things seem more important than what I had wanted to do. This is my writing.

No, we're not in love, we're not swimming in the ocean and kissing when the yellow sky turns red. I don't know whether I'm angry or hopeless, but I'm pretty sad I don't seem to get enough of you. I planned to begin my driving lesson again, as I have just got my driving license today, since Indonesian polices take bribes. But I planned to drive again, so I could ride with you, into the sunset, stop at night, let the journey be my writings.

How do I pull myself into this infatuation, when I'm afraid to even step on the beach, to touch the water, afraid of cold and mad waves. You didn't hold my hand. You wouldn't care. Simple things, simple words, bible phrase, and your philosophy books, can't ever succeed to make you want to understand. 

I have been in love before.
Not it ended well.
But it felt, distinctive.

Friday, November 6, 2015

It's actually 1:23 am here, and I was unbelievably sad earlier, and I had to entertain myself so I won't be sad anymore, so I decided to edit a photo of me and my friend, Seruni. May happiness always be with us, ya Run. Sometimes guys can be a total jerk, but we have to just, not be bitches. So, yeah. Cukup curhatnya.


Happy Halloween everybody! I might have said this before, but Halloween and April Fools are the most important events of the year. I mean yes, I still attend Fashion Week, Movie Screenings, and other things, but these two events should be celebrated with ecstatic joy. I've always loved Halloween because of the costumes that people wear. I love to dress up as specified character and just fool around. This year, I dressed up as a dog. Yup. An angry dog, and this girl next to me is my friend, Zulfa, she showed up as a deer. I attended this Halloween party in Jakarta, and it was hella crowded, probably my last time clubbing. Next year I'm looking for more Halloween Festival than a Halloween party so I could be more "chill". Anyways, great night, great people, great event, happy Halloween!

This is she,
with her heart as hard as steel,
her soul breaks,
into pieces,
until she again wakes up,
with a whole new piece
and feel content again

She has to.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

"Dan itu ketika dia datang membawa seikat buga dan sebotol anggur. Dia menggoda dan merayu bak pujangga yang terjerat cinta. Malam ini, seseorang datang dan dua orang pergi, menghilang selamanya. Saat itu, entah apa yang aku rasa, mungkin pilu. Namun, aku merasa tidak merasa apa-apa."
"Rasa tidak akan dapat meraih benak,
Sebelit fikir mencari makna
secercah ilham,
segenggam jawaban,
Apa yang kurasa terhadapmu
Aku, kata yang kuucap
Tak sesering aku menyebut sebuah nama,
Kepada udara hampa"



And when the heart has become steel stiff,
And sound is bombing loud,
And anger is widely adorned,
Something is missing,
and that is, soul.

Monday, August 24, 2015

Collage Art

Instagram: fidyzahra
Good Monday! I'm so excited to tell you all about my new discovery. Some of you might think that it's a so-so discovery or some of you have discovered it way before me, but yup. I've started to like Collage Art. I mean I've always loved to cut magazines and attach them back together and create a new concept or a new shape, but I didn't know that "Collage Artist" existed. I've made some collages before, but I don't think I've ever shared it before, I might have, but I'm not sure. These collages above are collages that I made on Sunday morning. 

I actually found out about this Collage Artist thing from this instagram @the.daily.splice that belongs to Adam Hale, a collage artist. I even commented on his instagram, telling him how inspired I was when I found his instagram. 

instagram: the.daily.splice
The different hing about this kind of art is, I mean, I've always loved to draw and design something, no, wait. I've always loved to draw, but no, I don't have advanced drawing skills, but I feel like this kind of art actually called my name, like a revelation. It said, "Fidy, this is what you love to do, enjoy!" CLICHE. but still, yup. this is what I love to do and what I'm actually good at. 

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Define me

"Insecurity." That's what  my friend, Rubina, told me when I started to blabber about the beauty of these women I know. I've been watching Buzzfeed videos about beauty. The problem is the definition of beauty changes, depending on the era. Another problem is that, beauty is not one point of view. You have to look at the hair, the eyes, the nose, the skin, the lips, the height, the weight, even the bones. Say that there's one definition of beauty, created by a society. And then another society from a far away nation made one, and so did the other societies living in this planet. So how can we ever define beauty, when taste, opinion, eyes, are seeing different things everyday? How can we ever define beauty when it's changing?

No, I'm not going to be miserable, talking about inner-beauty, how people feel awesome being nice and proud being ugly.

This is the video that shows how women's Ideal body types evolve. Even what you call "fatass" these days, was once beauty queen in 1400 - 1700 C. Yup. 

Monday, August 17, 2015

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

"Money's the cheapest thing, liberty freedom is most expensive."
 - Bill Cunningham


Sometimes, when you're lost, you don't need a map to find another way out, you just need a few steps backward to remember where you were and where you were going to. I've lied to myself so many times, avoiding what I've really wanted, I've listened to the wrong people, and I couldn't help blaming myself. I've always been worried about being left behind, so I kept pleasing people, making them stay with me as long as possible. I've been denying what I had been capable of all this time, and a few days ago, I started to remember.

It was either Monday or Thursday, they were announcing this poem-reading competition, and his writing touched me. It was like I was being touched by destiny, it was like the universe had built me a path, to somewhere far yet somewhere so good. And after 4 years being so infatuated, people made me deny what I've loved since 4 years ago. And I kept on changing.

A few days ago, this extraordinary boredom made me realize something, "Hey, you aren't happy. You're running out of yourself."
All this time, I've been trying to play the perfect role as a part of this crazy society. I've been doing diets, going somewhere cool to show off my "cool" hang out places, dress so awkwardly fashionable, what for? Nothing. Simply, nothing. 

And from this very distant place, I found her again, that girl in red skirt and white shirt, she was practicing her reading, being so scared yet brave. And just, so blessed.

Daun dan Gravitasi

Terkadang aku berpikri bahwa, inti dari kehidupan adalah gravitasi. Elektron dari jantung kami masing-masing bertemu, bergerak karena singularitas yang gravitasional. Bagai daun yang berjumpa dengan ajal, aku menggugur, tidak jatuh ke tanah, namun menggugur, bersama elektorn-elektron, mendekati nukleus yang kau miliki, dan proton menyambut elektronku, dan kami berdua, sesaat, begitu saja, jatuh cinta. Elektron akan terus berpindah, mencari tempat yang lebih banyak menampungnya. Lalu saat atomku tidak dapat menampungmu lagi, jangan lupa, jangan salahkan aku, kita bertemu, dipertemukan gravitasi. Gravitasi itu sendiri memiliki singularitas yang berada dalam gravitasi lainnya yang membuat kita semua bergerak secara sangat otomatis. Jadi, kita tidak perlu menyesal. 
Delapan bulan yang menyenangkan, aku tunggu bulan-bulan berikutnya.

Monday, July 27, 2015

Movie & Music Mumble: God Help The Girl

Good afternoon folks. I am currently writing in my agency edifice, my office, it's lunchtime right now and I decided to write. God help the girl, god help me! I first found this movie on a teaser in Fox Movies Premium. I first saw Emily Browning and I thought, wow, she's playing an indie movie again and then Hannah Murray Showed up! And I was like, no no no no this can't be true. This can't be happening! My two favorite actresses in one movie! And I saw the guy from skins season 7 and the lead singer of Years & Years (Olly Alexander)! I mean there are 2 skins casts in this movie, I mean who can resist right? And I was like shit this is probably the coolest movie I'm about to watch!

It was Wednesday. This movie was scheduled on Wednesday at 8 pm  on Fox Movies Premium. So I went home early on Wednesday. I had to wait for my grandma to get out of the TV room to invade the TV. When she finally left, I began to watch it. I didn't watch it from the exact beginning but shit man, it was really awesome. I mean I was late 15 minutes but I could still understand and enjoy every single aspect.

This movie is about three friends try to make a music project on summer. Eve (Emily Browning), who is a patient in a psychiatric hospital ran away to Glasgow and met James (Olly Alexander), a songwriter and a guitarist. James then introduced Eve to Cassie (Hannah Murray), and then three of them became friends and decided to form a band.

Actually I tried to google the interesting shots from this movie, but my favorite shot didn't show up. My favorite scene was when Eve and Anton were playing dress up or were choosing clothes for Eve to wear, there's one shot where Anton dressed exactly the same like the mannequin next to him. When I saw that I felt like I kind of found some kind of NAZI clue or a rare gem in South Africa, and I thought, damn that's creative.

So, whose brain that would come up with ideas about making this movie?

The Beat Generation: When Mad Men Write,

 "The Beat Generation was a group of authors whose literature explored and influenced American culture in the post-World War II era. The bulk of their work was published and popularized throughout the 1950s. Central elements of "Beat" culture are: rejection of standard narrative values, the spiritual quest, exploration of American and Eastern religions, rejection of materialism, explicit portrayals of the human condition, experimentation with psychedelic drugs, and sexual liberation and exploration." (src: Wikipedia)

Have you guys ever watched "Kill Your Darlings"? A movie that was played by Daniel Radcliffe and Dane DeHaan, about the becoming of The Beat Generation?

I've always loved the way male people write. Their writing sounds so simple yet so strong. Really different from the girls' writings. They're full of allegories, being weak, and demanding, and just so self-conscious. I bet you have seen me writing as a male before. When I used the word "She" or "her" instead of "he" or "him", I was writing by putting myself as a position of a boy.

Some male authors have produced so many strong writings, including song writers like Jason Mraz, Sameer Gadhia, Bon Iver,  and so many many song writers out there. But I actually kept myself listening to the words that were said in that movie, "Kill Your Darlings". Some sentences ended up so rebellious yet so strong yet so alive. And then I started to google it, what the movie was about. And The beat Generation came up.

The Beat Generation is a group of authors who defeated the rules of writing, they liberated themselves with their own style of writing. That's why their writings sound so so so so free, so liberated, so individualistic, so precious. It's kinda like Chairil Anwar's style of writing, but they're braver. This group consisted Allen Ginsberg, William S.Burroughs, Lucien Carr, and Jack Kerouac.

"Life is hard, it's not just about breathing, dear."

Wednesday, July 22, 2015


"Wanding" Josef Koudelka's Photograph
He made me eat but I couldn't stop him drinking beer. He dressed me the way he wanted but I let him get himself tattooed. what happened with the morning work-out, sad poems, and go to bed crying?

Dangerous Talk: Science and Belief

This is my hesitation and this is my curiosity. Just like a journal. Just like records of what I've been thinking lately. 
It started from the moment that I realized that light could've come from fire. They said it, in the book, in the Qur'an. That angels were made from the light, and demons were made from the fire. But what shines does burn, right? Just like the stars, for example, they were made by fire and still got the light at the same time, so what is the entity anyway?

Tuesday, July 21, 2015


"Child" Josef Koudelka's photograph
7:02 pm

Hello, here I am, trying to write at Starbucks alone. Actually, I miss being alone like this, having some time to think about random things, start to dream, start to realize, start to discover.
I see people with their comfort in solitary. Somehow, you realize that, no matter how hard you've fallen, you will be back eventually to yourself. It's not the people you'd ask, what you should do, but you'd ask yourself, what to do. And in time like this, it feels alright to think with myself. Or re-think about things that I might do the next three days, or the next three seconds, which stranger's sight I would catch, and how they'd look when I catch them looking at me. 
In times like this, I look at old pictures. How it was really dreamy in August, where I met some good looking people, clubbing, models, designers, actors, being so glamorous, competing each other to be the most glamorous. Still, that transexual woman shone the most. I saw her shyness in front of her confidence, that makes her humble.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Never Been This Far Before

I really love this song, it makes me go back somehow, to the old times, and think again about how far I've gone, and told myself that I've never been this far before. I wish I had, so I could handle things easier, but, no actually. Never.

The Edge of Life

Hello! When we talk about the edge of life, we don't actually think of the edge of the ocean, where it could be the east, or the west, or the beach, or the dry sand. But we talk about the last beat of your heart, the last breathe you exhale, the last sound you make, the last thing you think.
She once said, she was hurt and lost. She told him desperately, "You can do whatever you want, but the universe knows that I'm going to be last person you think when you're dying." and she left with anger.
I found a song. "Firelight" by Young the Giant that probably help us understand what it's like being at the edge of life.


"People can't always be perfect because that's not real, is it? It's not real because things change, don't they?"
Pandora said to Effy, when asked about Thomas. I'm wearing my old brown pants and this black sweater that I bought last year, not a good choice for Monday as it seems so grief, yet I'm still wearing it to the office.
I have written a post about life being reversible, that everything has its own gravity, pulling each other and making cycle, maybe for some reasons, life is not reversible. Like, when you kill someone, and their family is angry at you, you can not be forgiven, maybe they can forget for a while, but they can not forget. And things change, and they will adapt, but they will still remember. 
Again, it's a gloomy writing on Monday. It's quite sunny outside, but still though.  The idea of relationship itself is questionable, still. What does it really take to build a relationship? Trust, sacrificial, love, lust, sex? What does it really want to be contained of? The fact is, people need everything in a relationship. There's nothing essential, but everything is. Trust, love, sacrificial, lust, conflict, touch, you can not choose one, can you? Because things change, and you can't ever be perfect. You have to fulfill what is needed. When you can't, someone gets hurt.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Don't Dress The Same

Captured from Lookbook Indonesia's Instagram

First of all, no offense. I'm not trying to tell people how to dress these days. But I've just realized that people have been quite obsessed with the black and white trend. Some end up gothic, some end up chic, some end up grunge, and some end up with other impressions. It depends on their accessories and their make up and their hairstyle. But seriously, people have been dressing really similar to each other. I don't know since when this whole black and white trend showed up, but I think we really need some inspirations.

Once upon a time, Bill Cunningham approached Iris Apfel and said, "Thank God, you're here. Everybody looks the same." this, we can conclude that being different is really precious. 


Elephant Magazine's Website. http://www.elephantmag.com
Based on the post that I wrote above, I found some really cool magazines that might actually set the new perspective, instead of following the typical -Black and White-Outfit of the Day- style. I don't know about other countries, but that black and white ootd style is really rampant in Indonesia, including its capital city, Jakarta, and Bandung, according to my observation.

I found these magazines at ak.sa.ra Bookstore when I was wandering around. I could not afford to buy the magazines but I could show you the websites which have blogs about the featuring topics in the magazine.

Andrew Wyeth's Painting: Christina's World
Dalam bayangan,
Dia berpaling,
Seakan menolak rindu
Dalam dahaga,
Matanya sayu seakan menipu,
Sesekali menelan ludah,
Seakan menahan diri,
Untuk berkata,
"Aku juga cinta"

Thursday, June 25, 2015


You know, I have to apologize to her, that lady. I thought life would grow just like those trees in the woods, reaching out the sky. Life would stop and life would start. And the ground stays there, doing nothing, just like what you did. Just like what he did. Just like what they did. Now that I finally learn what it's like, not growing like those trees in the woods, I have to apologize to her, for not actually giving her the time, the time that she might use to think about me, and the seeds, and the fruits. She likes my leaves, but she doesn't feed my roots.

Into The Woods

It's kind of funny because we held a picnic during Ramadan. 

It's running out of myself.

Time is, hurrying me. It gives me anxiety, fear, of mortality. As I age, I start to be afraid of being forgotten. I start to fear that my friends, well they will cry in my funeral but they will laugh and hang out without me the next day. And my lover, he will mourn the first 3 days, and he'll be married with another lady next week. And my children, they will miss me but they will sell my old clothes or give them away to the orphans. Time is ticking and I still lay in my bed, watching movies, finding things that might move me, but I haven't. And I'm scared today for tomorrow.

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Dolan's CInematography

Meet Xavier, Xavier Dolan. He's not just an actor, he's a movie director and also a movie editor. I knew him from this movie, "J'ai tue ma mere" which means " I killed my mother". It's a movie spoken in french. Xavier himself is french-canadian. And I fell in love with how he made his films beautiful. The mise en scene, he seems to take this really seriously. From the colors, the expression, lighting, the background, foreground, with the music, they're all perfectly relevant, and creative, yet still new. His ideas seem new to me. That's why I am so astounded with his cinematography creations. Here are shots from his movies that I found really really amazing.

Friday, May 15, 2015

Credit to Aziz Adhimirza
I miss you like soldiers miss the war,
I miss you like runners miss the distance,
I miss you like prophets miss the sin,
I know it's aching,
But somehow I find it beautiful.


Credit to Aziz Adhimirza
I'm breaking like the ice of the north,
What underneath me never spoke,
What it concealed, what it hid,
But the silence is breaking what's above,
Truth comes, creating a mountain,
There lies green grass and rainbow,
And the ice melts and evaporates,
Into the air,
Invisible once again,

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Skins Forever

I am not the kind of person who likes to read or watch something all over again, until I found Skins. I've watched it all over again since the first generation.. Tony's generation until Franky's. My favorite generation will always be James Cook's generation. They've got the best story ever. I found it really really interesting how people were given different problems in the same time, talking about life isn't fair for everybody. There's no main character in here, everybody plays important role to one another. My favorite character here is Effy Stonem, she's this cool goddess, who's secretly depressed. And I love JJ for the guy character because he's autistic and he's so funny. And I love Pandora, also. 

I'm looking forward to TV Series like this... I tried to watch Misfits for one or two seasons, until they kicked Nathan out. And that show turned to shit. This is like, this is one tv program I will always cherish and I will always be excited to watch. Great job channel 4!


To write in the name of love,
To work in the name of hope,
To live in the name of God,
I give up everything I once took,
I forgive everything I once did,
And I pass the time,
being better.


Manusia Gunung

Layaknya sebuah halaman kosong, diriku adalah tinta. Saya lukiskan, saya tulis, saya hiasi segala hal yang terpikir dan yang terbenak, yang terasa, yang dirasa, pada diri sebagai kertas putih yang luas. Kertas putih yang terus menemani, bahkan kala terdiam, tertidur, kertas putih selalu ada. Kertas putih layaknya sebuah halaman kosong, akan lebih baik jika terisi. Maka saya isi semua, mereka bilang saya mencorat-coret. Namun kami sedang hidup bersama, saya tinta, dia kertas. Dia gunung, saya angin. Namun, kertas putih saya tidak sekedar kertas putih. Dia dapat berbicara seraya saya menulis di atasnya, dia tahu mana prosa yang tepat untuk dituliskan, dia tahu kapan saya berubah menjadi angin, dan dia dapat membuat saya bergerak cepat atau sepoi, atau terdiam, menggenang di udara.

Dan ketika dia jauh, dalam bentuk angin, saya menyapa dan menyelimuti, tubuh yang dingin yang lesu. Agar tidurnya lelap. Agar besok dia kembali. 

Saturday, May 2, 2015


"If Camus were still alive, he would come to me and ask whether normality existed. I would tell him that he was already dead, death is no longer waiting on his doorstep, death had visited his house and taken his soul away. And I would sing the Firelight song with him, and we both would say that we'd rather die in a parachute, falling in deep sleep, yet out of control. And we'd breathe, yet so lost in a dream. And I would tell my lover I was gone, and he would do the same, and we'd keep singing."



I love when we interact, when we exchange words, thoughts, or even glances. And I love how your eyes start to narrow and you soften your lips as you tell me the L word,  and I love how we argue about little things and I love when you tell me to shut up when I've been doing my non-stop talking mode, and I love when we forget about our special dates, and I love when you suddenly appear in front of my door, knocking on it, without saying a word, and when I let you in, you walk towards my bed and make a statement that it is your bed and you won't allow me to shoo you away. And I love how you get angry about silly things, about my hair, about me going home alone, about me staying up late, about me being busy, and I love how you tease about me longing for you, about me making some stupid arguments about your behavior, about me apologizing, and some other stuff. With you, I don't have to be anyone else. I always try hard to write as a gentleman, cause I have some image issues that I don't want to sound as weak as women. But here I am writing, ladylike.

Sabtu Malam

Mungkin ada saatnya ketika saya dan inspirasi bermusuhan. Seperti dua kutub magnet yang bersatu namun bertolak belakang, mengejar satu sama lain, membuat medan magnet sendiri, saling menghindar. Terkadang sulit bagi saya mengajak inspirasi berteman di kala waktu yang senggang. Sulit juga ketika saya diajaknya bermain ketika waktu kuliah saya mulai. Maka dari itu saya di sini, menggerutu sendiri, menulis tanpa arah dalam draft yang kemudian akan saya publikasikan, agar orang tahu bahwa kami sedang bermusuhan.

Thursday, April 30, 2015


Tengah Malam

Dan kasih itu bersahaja, ketika saya menyutujui untuk mendengarkan lagu-lagunya, ketika saya menyetujui untuk bermain dengan anjing peliharaannya, ketika kami tertawa di jalanan, bertingkah aneh kala menunggu bus. Kasih tetap bersahaja ketika dia tersenyum melihat saya menggerutu, atau saya tertawa di saat dia marah. Kasih tetap bersahaja saat kami berbicara mengenai awal kemudian berujung kepada akhir, kemudian berujung kepada awal yang baru. Kasih masih bersahaja. Bukankah kasih yang bersahaja adalah kasih yang sempurna? Ataukah kau ingin bersikeras menyalakan bara?


Ayo kita menjadi satu,
menjadi palsu,
menjadi ragu,
menjadi sendu
menjadi yang kau mau,
menjadi hina,
menjadi dusta
menjadi fana.

Lanjutkan perannya.
Tidak apa, tidak ada yang melihat,
Mungkin kalbu tertawa,
Melihat diri yang tiada,
Melihat diri yang baru

Friday, April 3, 2015

Charles Dilaurentis

I finally found out who A is. 
Life has gotten easier than ever. 
Bethany Young might still be alive, I think.
Some people think Charles Dilaurentis who happens to be A, is Jason's twin. I think Charles Dilaurentis is another son Mrs. Dilaurentis had from another man. And somehow I think Bethany Young has/had an intimate relationship with Charles. I can't find the connection between Charles and the liars, but I think Charles is up to something... I think in season 6 we're going to see what's Charles up to, and we're going to at lest support his plan a little bit. I can't wait.


Aziz Adhimirza, 
Sound asleep at his house.

I saw how you'd work, today. I saw how you'd work as a journalist; something I've always wanted to be. I find it sacred, knowing secrets, being the first person to see a phenomenal tragedy, telling people how you think, and denying every unreasonable shit in this planet. Seeing you work today made me realize that maybe this career is not for me. I wouldn't be able to take control of the news when I couldn't even take control of myself. I'm just, going to be, something else. But I'm so proud of you, you're going to be what I've always wanted to be, and I'm going to support you like how I would've supported myself. 

I love you

April 3 2015

"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal." - Albert Camus
There's no such place called "Comfort". Even if you look for it, you will fall into another trap. That's why some people realize that, they don't belong anywhere. Some places they come into, some places they leave behind, some places they remember, some places they forget, they're all the same. If only, if only we could neutralize our feelings on how we remember memories, we would be invincible. Nothing would we fear, nothing would we look for. They're there, stand still. But the problem is, human needs to remember something to remember something else. That's not fair.

Friday, March 27, 2015

Kembali lagi,

Saat itu aku sedang menghabiskan waktu kosong di kampus, duduk sejajar dengan manusia-manusia seni. Seni visual. Kemudian, dia memaksa untuk memperlihatkan tulisanku kepada pakar seni visual itu. Aku menolak pada walnya, karena aku menggunakan banyak kata "ngentot" belakangan ini. Tetapi tetap juga dia perlihatkan. Pakar seni itu berkata, "Kau tahu? Aku melihat Iwan Simatupang dalam tulisanmu."

Kembali lagi pada dua tahun lalu. 
Di mana guruh aneh itu menyuruhku untuk membaca salah satu buku terbaik yang pernah aku baca, "Ziarah", karya Tuan Simatupang itu.

Kembali lagi pada bagian,
"Tokoh kita, seorang pelukis yang terkenal, yang lukisannya memikat banyak orang, Beliau bingung akan diapakan kekayaannya, memutuskan untuk bunuh diri dengan melompat dari sebuah bangunan. Ketika tokoh kita melompat, ia menimpa seorang gadis cantik. Kemudian dia jatuh cinta dengan gadis tersebut, dan menyetubuhinya di tengah jalan itu. Orang-orang histeris melihat tingkah lakunya, kemudian pelukis dan gadis ini dibawa ke kantor sipil untuk dinikahkan."

Kembali lagi pada hari itu,
Di mana aku menceritakan pada Aziz, bagian cerita tersebut. Aziz mengatakan, mungkin maksud Tuan Simatupang tidak sekedar menunjukan keabsurdan, tetapi mungkin tragedi itu memiliki falsafah tersendiri.



Some people have suggested me to create an instagram account. So I decided to join Instagram at last. I don't know why I'm promoting my account here. Maybe it's for the sake of posting something as I've been running out of things to write about. Sekalian follow, makasih. Bye.

Sunday, March 22, 2015






Apa yang kau lakukan,

Siapa yang melakukan?
Siapa yang menyakiti?

"Sudahlah, aku tak mengerti cakap kau!"
Ah, bangsat.


Has the grey cloud found its way to the surface, or is it just the usual fog I see in the cold?
Have I found the way out, mother? Or Have I just once again stayed?
I'm sorry. I've been a sad person recently. I found something really bad to do but I've been forced to. Say the oxygen is toxic but you still need it. I've been asking helps, from an old friend, telling them that I thought I might be in trouble. They kept blabbering about how careless people would be and I should stop worrying about it, and that everything would be as normal as it seems. I have feelings and I have instincts. Stop worrying about my intelligence. I've got it in abundance. 
Have I found my way out, mother? Or have I let them in?

Friday, March 13, 2015

Java Jazz 2015

This is a picture of whom I worked with during Java Jazz 2015. I applied as a volunteer in promotion division, and they accepted me! YAY. One day not too long ago, I was creating a CV and I was thinking maybe I should apply to Java Jazz. I mean I've always wanted to be a volunteer in Java Jazz, so I did apply, and they emailed me for the interview, and I got accepted yay. I was hired in the information booth, where people would ask you tons of questions and you have to answer them all and you can't say that you don't know, yeah. It was quite hectic, but I really honestly truthfully enjoyed it.

I met so many funny people from all over Indonesia, and they were all crazy and they were all so fun to work with and to hang out with. One thing I learned a lot from Java Jazz is that I'm actually able to predict what kind of people I'm facing to. Like when someone approached, I could actually guess the temperament they had or the things that they would do when they weren't satisfied with the answers, I could really predict that. It's awesome. 

I didn't have the chance to watch the Jazz performances, because I was tired as hell and my daddy would pick me up on time so yeah. It was a super great experience, I would give it a go again next year. There's not much to tell but so much to express. It's a really wonderful experience I couldn't imagine I would be so patient handling so many people from all over the world from indo-speaking to God-knows-what-speaking, I really couldn't believe I did it. Great work, promotion division! I hope I will see you all again next year.


SO, I finally got my photos exhibited! I joined a photography club at campus and we were be able to exhibit our photos in an exhibition. We actually arranged the exhibition; from deciding the theme to the set, we all arranged it. We chose the theme "Loneliness" because we wanted to show everyone about so many different point of views of being lonely. We wanted to show everybody that we have our own "nest" of being lonely. I exhibited 5 photos, and my cousins and my sister actually helped me doing the project, and I got some weird comments but I also got a few good comments and it was really satisfying. YAY!

Indonesia Fashion Week 2015

I want to share this unshared experience about Indonesia Fashion Week. I actually have attended this event 3 times, but I've never had the chance to write about it. The first IFW I attended was the one back in 2013, I attended Lenny Agustin's fashion show, and I met my friend, Even, at the venue. And IFW 2014, I went there with my eternal partner in events, she's my friend, Qya. And this year's IFW I went there with my friends Patricia and Monica.

People sometimes wonder where I got the invitations for various events from movie screening and fashion show, and gallery opening, the answer is, just look it up online. I got my ID for Indonesia Fashion Week by participating Sunday Dress Up. So it's like, the uh, the fashion parade campaign kind of thing. So Patricia and Monica joined the campaign also, so they got their own IDs.  

Anyways, Monica ditched early, so she missed the most amazing fashion show I've ever seen. It was Aura Putri and Anne Avantie's fashion show. well in their section, there were 2 fashion shows though, I mean they showed their collection separately, but they're in the same section. So yeah it's the best fashion show package ever. 
So many people attended. I didn't get the chance to sit on the front row. So many important people came; from designers, bloggers, so many people. Honestly, I wasn't excited because it was about Indonesia's modernized-traditional collections.. and I've never been a fan of Indonesia's traditional clothes. But the moment I saw the collections, I was like shit, this thing will freak the shit out of Chanel and Versace. They were really great! The way the models brought the collections, and music, lighting, everything, is wow. They even hired this theatrical singer! It was very luxurious, very stunning. I enjoyed it. And I'm like super proud of Kebaya because it's really that awesome.


Akhirnya aku rindu,
Rindu cinta,
Di saat cinta memiliki arti,
Tanpa harus mencari,
Tanpa harus bertanya,
Cukup sudah cinta ada,
Kala diri merasa

Akhirnya aku rindu,
Rindu rumah,
Di mana letak tak berpindah
Lantai tak berdebu,
Daun tak bergugur,
Rindu rumah,
Di mana aku tak harus kembali,
Di mana aku tak harus pergi
Rumah yang tetap di sana,
Terdiam menanti

Akhirnya aku rindu,
Rindu akan tulisan,
Tanpa harus bercerita,
Tanpa harus merayu inspirasi,
Tanpa harus memalsu,
Tanpa harus menghapus lagi,
Aku rindu

Tuesday, February 10, 2015


Mungkin malam ini kita dapat bersembunyi
Di tengah langkah-langkah kaki
Gelapnya malam dan sunyinya suara,
Mimpi dan cita diseret kembali ke hati,
Tak masuk logika mereka kata,
Rasuki saja ragaku, sekali atau dua
Tidak apa.

Bisikan dan dentuman hina
Berputar-putar mengorbit layak bumi
Pagi ke malam ke pagi ke malam ke pagi
Sudah, malam. Besok, pagi.
Rasuki saja lagi, ketiga kali,
Tidak apa.

Jika malam ini kita sembunyi,
Pagi datang dan kita akan pergi,
Entah kemana kau kita menepi,
Rasuki saja lagi, keempat kali,
Tidak apa,
Lebih baik lupa,
Merasa bodoh apa yang ada,
dan apa yang tiada

Aku akan di sana,
Seolah dibodohi lantas membodohi
Tidak apa

Monday, January 26, 2015

Toy Story

Berdiam diri, diri terdiam,
kau bicara, diri masih terdiam,
kau bicara dengan diri sendiri,

Main mainan kesenangan,
Walau dimainkan, masihlah senang,
Permainan selesai, mainan tetap mainan,
Tidak dimainkan, hanya disimpan,

Saat dimainkan, mulai permainan baru,
Jangan yang ini, jangan yang itu,
Bukan yang kau ciptakan, bukan yang mainan mau,
Ceritamu dangkal, terlalu jelas, terlalu palsu
Mainan yang lama dan mainan yang baru,
Boleh ambil semua, atau pilih salah satu,
Kau pilih salah, kau ambil satu
Mainan lama, mainan baru, sama saja tidak setuju
Mulai permainan baru, agar sedikit seru

Berdiam diri, diri terdiam,
Kau bicara, diri masih terdiam,
Kau dibicara dengan diri sendiri,
Mainan tidak perlu menyahut
Dan bila esok tiba,
kemarin tak datang lagi,
fikir aku menjadi dua kali,
hendak kah untuk pergi,
atau menghilang saja,
atau tetap merasa tiada?

Friday, January 23, 2015

Untuk yang Menulis,

Jika kau hidup dengan pena,
Dan pena menghidupimu,
tak akan kau bersedih karena lara,
tak akan kau murka karena amarah,
tak akan kau bahagia karna sukacita,

Kau akan begitu saja,
Merasakan rasa, mensyukuri rasa,
Selagi kau masih bisa merasa,
Karena jika rasa telah tiada,
Kau tidak lagi hidup dengan pena,
Dan pena tak lagi menghidupimu


People go to college in the purpose of saving their lives, not wanting to end like a bum who lives in their grandparents' house, inheriting nothing, and growing beard. People here, in this writing, they refer to the kind of people who can not stand failures. They can't be actors, or artists, or millionaires, they will be rich, but not super rich, and I'm afraid I'm one of them. it scares me so much that I'm one of them.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Saudi Arabia

I've been trying to find my interest to write about this, I haven't found it yet, but I'm going to spill it out anyways. I went to Saudi Arabia to do Umrah. Things happened back there, I felt like as if I was actually playing a role in National Geographic's program "Locked Up Abroad". I wouldn't suggest you to visit Saudi Arabia for vacation, cause there is only a small amount of nice hospitality, talking about the least amount of the people's manner. So yeah, I brought myself there, not for vacation, but to look for God.


Pagi ini serasa malam, tadi malam serasa tak begitu berwaktu. Dalam kegelapan, dia berjalanan menyusuri kompleks rumah dengan perlahan, sesaat dia berlari ketakutan, tetapi dia berjalan pada akhirnya. Hujan rintik demi rintik membasahi jalanan yang sudah basah, kepala yang sudah basah, jari-jarinya saling memeluk. Dia melihat seorang pria tengah menelepon di depan rumahnya. Tetapi dia tetap berjalan, tidak menghiraukan. Keesokan paginya dia terbangun, dan dia teringat tokoh itu, ya, yang membuat dia menulis tulisan ini hari ini, di pagi yang serasa malam, Holden.