Sunday, September 21, 2014

Monday Morning

Mournful face, facing to the screen, hard lips, sleepy eyes. I don't wanna go back. I always feel this detachment when I have to head back to college. And it's gonna be a long 3,5 years. It's gonna be full of lonesome and fake joy that I will try to create to entertain myself. But the longing of home is always gonna be there. My mother's cry, my daddy's smile, they will always be there. I feel weird having two homes at the same time. Not feeling welcomed in the real one, but not giving myself in to the new one. Sincere, maybe is what I should have by now. Acceptance. Love. I'm still doing it halfway. I could care less. Adieu.


College at last. I wonder why the hell did I commit to education? haha
It's been a month since I first went to college. Things are different. Things will not stay the same. And I won't be able to trust anyone but myself. Not yet, not in that place. They're strangers. I handle myself quiet well. I clean my room, my bathroom, I do my homework, I cook the rice and stuff.
Being able to live alone makes me confused where home is sometimes. Cause when I'm home in jakarta, I don't even feel like home. And when I'm in Jatinangor, I don't feel like home either. Like, I belong in two different places equally. If I choose home in jakarta, my other home will drag me away sending me back to the other home. I get very unwelcoming greetings from my sister when I'm home. It makes me feel like, there's no home for me at all. 

Being a college student is something. I really don't like the idea of me, growing up. I've always wanted to be that one girl who likes to jump around. I really don't like growing up, or being forced to grow up. Sometimes I'd message Steve, and I'd be a baby to him. And he'd get annoyed. 

 I know that I have to be strong and independent, but there's always a part of me, not wanting to be that. now my mother's telling me about religion, telling me that life isn't eternal. so why did she drag me out to this world then? I'm already dead. get it?

I told her that I would not be content, marrying a priest. why would I? I told her that, priests aren't supposed to be married with. what's marriage for anyway, when people are getting divorce... Besides, I'm scared of being pregnant. That's the strangest thing women would ever feel. I told her also that I don't like the idea of hijab. Like I don't like the shape of it. And I told her that I haven't found my way to cover myself at the moment. And appreciating her, I will keep finding my way to cover myself... Not with hijab. That's hideous. Don't tell me that I look good in hijab because I don't feel so. 

Enough with religion. I'm a good girl, I don't drink and I don't smoke. All I want is to leave home at night, going back in the morning. Not saying that I'd go clubbing and all. I'd just stay in a friend's house, listening to them playing guitar, drink ginger beverage maybe, feeling warm. 

I want to forget what I should forget. Memories will only drag me back. They only will do that. And I hate drowning in memories. 

Being a college student... honestly I have to start things over again here. I have to make completely new friends. I have to have the urge to stick together with people, gather with them, but there will always be this invisible wall between my soul and their bodies. So I don't have to be attached to them like I did in elementary school.

I don't expect much at the moment. I really want to graduate early. And I want to be able to solve my problems by being rich. Because people accept money. If they don't, you have to take their money away.

Now pretend you've never read this.


They want me to speak, they want me to always be ready, ready for everything. they want me to be creative, they want me to be logical, they want me to think, they want me to write, they want me to obey, they want me to greet, they want me to sit, they want me to stand, they want me to meet in circle, they want me to draw, they want me to cut, they want me to read, they want me to do what they say. Silence! Silence! Silence! Silence! Silence! They want me this, they want me that, they want me those, they want me these, they want me.. Silence! Silence! Silence! You aren't worth fighting for, are you? Are you? Am I even? Silence! Silence! Silence! They want me, all of me. I'm running out of me. Time. Time. Where is it? What is it? When? What's when? what does "when" even mean when there's no time? timeless.

I only want them dead. Or if God can't approve, I want them shut up.

Je Vais Bien, Ne T'en Fais Pas

I was randomly looking for movies to watch. Looking for them in alphabetical order. And I found this french movie "Je Vais Bien, Ne T'en Fais Pas". And it's worth writing for. It really is.
Translating it to English, the title actually  means "I'm fine, don't worry." this movie is based on a novel by Olivier Adam.

The movie is about a girl, a sister, whose twin brother split from home with an unknown cause. The movie starts with Lili (Melanie Laurent) arrived in France from Spain, she introduced her friend Lea to her family. And when they got in a car, her father told her that Loic (her brother) had split from home. Lili asked why, her parents told her that Loic and her father were fighting over his room.

VERY UNBELIEVABLE, right? The most uncommon reason for someone to run away from home.
 They told her that Loic had been gone for like, 5 days.

Lili left many messages for Loic. But Loic didn't reply them all For months she had been waiting for him. She waited for him with all her might. She even lost her appetite, her interests, she lost herself.

This movie gives you total curiosity. Like, every scene changes with the cause of curiosity. Some acts are kind of peculiar, but unique in a way. Many thoughts will drown you in infinite questions. "Where the hell did Loic go?" or "Why did Loic leave home?" so many questions. 

But don't expect too much on the ending. Don't expect it'll be a tangible ending. I had no idea this movie would end that way. But the ending is kind of unique. You can actually conclude what really happened and how the characters felt after finding out the truth, and the uh.. the ending really shows you what it's like sincerely letting go. 

I suggest you to watch this movie, it's full of surprises. and I like how the movie gave me this feeling, when I watch the ending part. It kind of gave me chills, but in a good way. So yeah. You better watch it.


The single fact of dreaming is already very important. I wish that your dreams will never end and I wish you the fierce desire to realize some of them. I wish you to love what shall be loved and to forget what shall be forgotten. I wish you silences. I wish you bird songs when you wake up and the children's laughter. I wish you to resist stalemate, indifference, negative virtues of our time. I wish you most of all to be you. 

-Jacques Brel