Sunday, September 21, 2014


College at last. I wonder why the hell did I commit to education? haha
It's been a month since I first went to college. Things are different. Things will not stay the same. And I won't be able to trust anyone but myself. Not yet, not in that place. They're strangers. I handle myself quiet well. I clean my room, my bathroom, I do my homework, I cook the rice and stuff.
Being able to live alone makes me confused where home is sometimes. Cause when I'm home in jakarta, I don't even feel like home. And when I'm in Jatinangor, I don't feel like home either. Like, I belong in two different places equally. If I choose home in jakarta, my other home will drag me away sending me back to the other home. I get very unwelcoming greetings from my sister when I'm home. It makes me feel like, there's no home for me at all. 

Being a college student is something. I really don't like the idea of me, growing up. I've always wanted to be that one girl who likes to jump around. I really don't like growing up, or being forced to grow up. Sometimes I'd message Steve, and I'd be a baby to him. And he'd get annoyed. 

 I know that I have to be strong and independent, but there's always a part of me, not wanting to be that. now my mother's telling me about religion, telling me that life isn't eternal. so why did she drag me out to this world then? I'm already dead. get it?

I told her that I would not be content, marrying a priest. why would I? I told her that, priests aren't supposed to be married with. what's marriage for anyway, when people are getting divorce... Besides, I'm scared of being pregnant. That's the strangest thing women would ever feel. I told her also that I don't like the idea of hijab. Like I don't like the shape of it. And I told her that I haven't found my way to cover myself at the moment. And appreciating her, I will keep finding my way to cover myself... Not with hijab. That's hideous. Don't tell me that I look good in hijab because I don't feel so. 

Enough with religion. I'm a good girl, I don't drink and I don't smoke. All I want is to leave home at night, going back in the morning. Not saying that I'd go clubbing and all. I'd just stay in a friend's house, listening to them playing guitar, drink ginger beverage maybe, feeling warm. 

I want to forget what I should forget. Memories will only drag me back. They only will do that. And I hate drowning in memories. 

Being a college student... honestly I have to start things over again here. I have to make completely new friends. I have to have the urge to stick together with people, gather with them, but there will always be this invisible wall between my soul and their bodies. So I don't have to be attached to them like I did in elementary school.

I don't expect much at the moment. I really want to graduate early. And I want to be able to solve my problems by being rich. Because people accept money. If they don't, you have to take their money away.

Now pretend you've never read this.

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