Monday, April 24, 2017

Getting Used to It.

So here's what's been going on with my life:
Today, I have to do this. Tomorrow, I will have to do that, Next week, next month, idem. My shortness of breath, dizziness, beating veins, all of this, dynamic, mechanical body of mine; ticking like the time, trying to race it. Sometimes I feel like, I want to explode, but actually, not anymore. I am grateful that I always have someone to talk to, whether it's my friend or my boyfriend, or just, random acquaintance that I meet during one random event. So I kind of, paused everything I've been doing and I started to think.

What am I doing?

But then there's this person who gave me an answer. Well he said,
"You don't have the rights to miss your childhood or wish you life would be as nice or as easy as your childhood back then. It's a phase, a transition. You just have to get used to it."

Those words, oh boy, "get used to it".

"Do you know how the poorest people can live throughout the years? They get used to it. Nothing is ever gonna be hard all the time, if you adapt." he went on. "All of this 'I don't have enough time' or 'time is running out of you' drama is just a form of you adapting to your new routine. Besides, with all this 'not enough time' kind of life you're living, it makes you value the time you have even more, don't you think? Say you agree."

I have been feeling so scared that I might not be able to pursue my dreams. I have been feeling so scared that I have to drink at least one cup of coffee everyday to make me feel energized. But I don't think it's the answer anymore. I don't have to afraid at all because I'm getting used to it. 

oui, c'est vrai. c'est la vie dynamique, mon cheri. c'est la vie, afterall.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Days during the CSR Trip

A View from Pasir Nini (re: Grandma Hill)
Hello, hail to the newest year of 2017. Didn't I tell you that I am now on my 6th semester of my PR studies at the university? Well, let me tell you a few things about public universities in Indonesia. In a very, practical, and short explanation, public universities in Indonesia receive discounts from the government so the fees won't be that expensive. This term "discount" refers to a subsidy that was brought here by the tax that the people paid. So in order to thank the government and the people for their generosity, we, university students are obliged to create a CSR program. The people give us their money for education subsidy, so we have to give back the people, not their money, but the output of their money that we made during our education process at the uni, that is what we call our knowledge and skills. So with all this knowledge and skill, we have to help the people develop together with us through this CSR program, or in a colloquial occasion, we call it as KKN (Kuliah Kerja Nyata)

The students were placed in random faraway villages where they must hold their program to develop those villages. So I went to Majalengka Region, West Java, where I was placed in this small village, named Kondangmekar for one month (precisely 32 days).

Boy, that was surely once in a lifetime experience that I might not want to do ever again.
I lived in a house where there was a beehive, a fucking beehive inside the bathroom. So I had to walk like 100 meters everyday to shower, poo, and pee. The house was decent, the people were decent, but I had to feel like I was in an ANTM drama house for one month.

Sol 20

I get a mild headache every time I stay up late. It's like, maybe.. gravity is resisting my existence. I've been completely aware about the endless thoughts that I haven't been able to think of. 

This is my blatant writing; memories and thoughts and feelings of sorrow, anger, hope, lust, everything. Sometimes I feel like I am an alien trapped in another planet, where I watch them grow, walk in speed, talk in murmur, and everything passed. Sometimes I feel like I am the clock, defeated by the earth's rotation. 

This has been my journey, how I feel like I don't belong to the place I, emotionally was forced to say yes. It's like, a place, full of rapists. People are so fucked up they become package of emotional burden to one another. 

One night, I realized something about "relationship". Some people indeed avoid it because they don't want to be responsible of unnecessary feelings and occurrence that would happen in a relationship. Like, if he's not happy, you feel guilty or at least he makes you feel guilty. For a basic, instance, a boyfriend has this weird feelings of obligation to buy gifts or arrange a surprise party when his girlfriend's birthday is coming. He's scared, he's worried.