There's always the urge to write again. The thoughts of being a writer, to elaborate the things that I can't speak of, remained. So I decided to reread the things I wrote last week, when I was feeling extremely miserable.
in 2019, I wrote,
"The miserable forlorn, I left myself, my dreams, my liberalism in Jogjakarta... My spirit to be free, my spirit to be detached, my spirit to simply be.."
Maybe that time I thought that the longing to be detached, and be freed from this society could be forgotten. Guess what? It still haunts me every single day. So, I guess I am going to write again. This time to 2019 me.
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Dear 2019 Fidy,
Let's just cut to the chase. Good news is, you bought a house this year. So you're not gonna be homeless and you can leave your grandparent's house and have all the privacy in the entire world without committing to the most. unstable. "investment". called "marriage". And yes, I know you anticipated that you needed to buy a house before "getting married" and you did, because you're so scared that you need to split your assets when you get divorced, but yes you anticipated it very well.
Bad news is, you're taking a mortgage loan. Yes, this year you have learned that one job isn't enough. You had 3 repeated clients this year, you're really struggling at the moment, but fortune will come to those who work and give. so yes. it's a rocky road but c'est la vie. it's the price that you must pay for your freedom.
Yes, you did decide to work 9 to 5 job in a government-owned company. You decided to work in a bank. what the hell! You got waitlisted to study in Universidad de Jaén, but you also got accepted to work in this company. Guess what? You chose to work. Good bye Spain, Good bye Europe.
You did struggle at first and you thought that you couldn't be as.. liberating as working remote in Bali. Yes indeed, it's not as liberating as that.. but, at least you feel more secured. Everyone else is getting laid off by their companies, even the big ones are firing their employees and it's very, very, sad to see. It feels like seeing people breaking up at once and also losing their money.
You're 26 now. Some of your close friends have already delivered their second child, and you're still stressing over your Instagram feeds color.
In early 2020, there was pandemic, followed by economic world crisis. You broke up with your boyfriend of 5 years. You accidentally met a guy, now you're committed in an interfaith relationship which is a very complicated thing in Indonesia. You also did use dating app, met some guys and still got back together with a christian guy named Stanly. And you're still in love with him until now, the spark stays. Cupid did a great job for both of us.
You won a French Competition. What? Yes. You did win the 2nd place of Olimpiade Bahasa Prancis in national stage. And you have a francophone Friend from Morocco whom you always force to speak French with (he doesn't like to speak French but you make him to do so)
Next year, you hope for an opportunity to study abroad. but we'll see because you're very lazy to study english AGAIN. yes, your IELTS certificate had already expired. You're very busy with work, gym, French, side hustles, and now English...
Sometimes you get tired and you feel like living in a loop. (endless one!) You're scared of happiness. Some people would love to experience happiness, to be happy, to smile or to laugh freely, but it'd rather get you scared. Too happy, too content, often leads to a catastrophe. The feeling of being "drawn" into sorrow after being euphoric got you traumatized.
What else? who would've thought you're still that gypsy-wannabe, who collects reggae playlist and weird weird French songs... You dyed your hair, did an undercut haircut.. You stay weird, but you're more straightforward and definitely saltier.
There's still a lot of work to do.
But I am glad I visited you today, a lot has changed in 3 years but change is inevitable.
Keep going. Keep living. We'll be nostalgic again hopefully.
Regards,
2022 Fidy
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