Late night thought

written on Moe's, November 21 2011

When you love someone, there comes this easy thought that you'll do something irrational just to please someone you love. and you'll cry eventually, just right before you sleep, feeling untrusted. and you start to remember how things used to be so easy, and somehow make sense. and you start to compare then and now. and you'll remember what per name he first called you, and what rant he just shouted at you today. and how he used to react to your stories about other people, and how he reacted just now. how many exaggerated flattery he had said to you. and how many false accusations he had claimed now. 

why bother, telling "love"? we all hurt at the end. I am invisible in your world. But, You are no longer invisible in mine. what lame is, you're getting meaner and meaner and angrier. like a volcano. we were too fucking happy, and ended up insecure shitless. "prove this, prove that." both you and i insisted. now it doesn't matter anymore. what you did, then it's done. what now? nothing. save it for another day.

Mean

Let's not talk about fairness, who's right or wrong, what's done is done, what's gone is gone.
And the only one I could blame is me, myself. Oh why so mean? why. I don't know. all I did was just, be.

L'amour... pas pour moi!

"Pourquoi faire ce tas de plaisirs, de frissons, 

de caresses, de pauvres promesses ? 

A quoi bon se laisser reprendre 

Le cour en chamade, 

Ne rien y comprendre, 

C'est une embuscade!"

-Carla Bruni. 

And look how mad i can be, when i find out that I'm away from you

Aggravation

Painting by: Mohr; "So much hate"

And how easy I would remember,

How God set us together

And how easy the feel would wither,

As you start glancing at her. 

I know lies and deception

I feel anger and aggravation

But loving without a reason,

Makes me ask this question,

"Where did we meet again?"

Oh dear romeo take my hand

We shall see us again

Oh romeo find me in your mind

Yearning.

So, Berta's router is fucked up again.
i miss the connection around berta's house soooo much.
or probably not. hehe
I miss you, yeah you Berta's nephew.

"Celda 211" in Europe On Screen, Erasmus Huis, Jakarta.

Hey! I just arrived from The cultural center of Netherlands. I went there to see european movie screening. I actually planned to see this movie from czech republic, but i thought the movie wasn't suitable for my age, so i decided to watch this spanish movie called "Celda 211" (translation: cell 211)

The movie was mainly about this guy, Juan Oliver who was accidentally trapped in a prison riot. Juan had to pretend that he was one of the inmates to protect himself from those horrible terrorists. the movie was pretty entertaining. there were few inappropriate scenes though... inappropriate as in violence.. the first scene i saw was this guy, hurting his arms so he could consume morphine... it was horrible. i saw blood there in the sink, like red water... God, it was horrible. 

Actually when i first got there, i had this concern about the subtitle. cause i dont speak spanish that well, so yeah i was concerning about it. and um, well finally i asked this girl named Atha about the subtitle thingy. and she told me that the subtitle would be in english for non-english movies, and would be in dutch for english movies. Thank god! God dank! or gracias a dios! (I don't really know whether god dank means thank god or not, so don't use it)

After watching such an awesome movie, i got this little goodie bag from Nestle! free food, free movie screening.... pleasure! hahahaha

Mad

Days have passed. Mournful mornings to mournful nights would come and ago, as easy as breezy wind would blow. I have been mad, more than ever. Failures to failures fell me down, cracked my spine as i tried to stand up. "A routine" dare i say; me, making a failure, or being a failure equals a routine. it's now like, a usual crap. and people started to be okay with it, like it's a normal process of mental formation. 

Everything good has been decreasing lately. it started with this massive loss of interest. it's like, i have been suffering an abstract, weird depression that's caused by this irrational aspiration to make a fresh start, or to go back from the start. however, i kept telling my self to be okay it. but this urge to fix everything that's passed, is just haunting me, demanding me to go back, to fix what was wrong. and it stressed me out enough. plus, i have my current problems that i should solve too. i've been complaining with "Why" instead asking with "how". I've been telling myself "where did i go wrong?" instead of "where should i go now?" 

still, nobody would give me TCAs.

I've been losing inspirations lately. I've been drastically forgetting vocabularies in english and some in spanish, and german. and my brain has been thinking as a slow snail piece of shit. 

And I am mad. SUPER MAD. I'm mad at me, them, everything. and this time, this chaos hasn't directed me to a safety. and I am mad for it. I am angry, furious, mad. just wait till i lose my sanity. haha. 

Ah Lachowski...

"Fidy, aku ganteng gak?"

*Fidy mengangguk*

"Apaansih fidddd aku bercanda doang!"

Tapi gue serius -_-

Where art thou?

Last night, as people started to shout all those holy takbirs, I arrived at home, feeling unbelievably upset. I was supposed to talk to, um you know. but since my cell phone broke the other day, and since my lappy would boot slowly, I decided to paint, to interpret my "sadness". I painted two islands, similar islands; separated by the ocean. you can translate it with your own words cause i wouldn't describe specifically, according to my awesome privacy. haha. 

So I finished painting at like 11:30 pm and added the "collages" just now. i wanted to add a poem, but i have chemistry and tech tests tomorrow, so i should've been studying instead, so yeah. 

So that's it for now. I'll see you in the next post :)

"So we'll meet again, after several years... several years; separation"

What is air?

                           

Miracle in math.

Today, during the math class... i was bored, so i decided to draw something.

That's a picture of girl, in case you're wondering... 

And then with this oil paint effect from my phone, i turned it into like this:

ANDY WARHOL-LOOKING RIGHT? duh fidyyy hehehe

that looks like andy warhol's painting... i think but um blah. 

and this happened in math class where "art" barely exists.. 

but today, was an exception. :)