Can we not talk?

I'm tired, exhausted, drained of words. Most of the time, I just want to be alone, with these silent walls, and my weight track notes, with these calendars that keep on talking to me even when I'm mute. The current state of staying home during the weekend and not feeling like not missing out anything satisfies me enough. Honestly, why bother?

It's okay. I can just be here with all these Carpenter's songs. When Sunday comes, I would think about Monday already; all the talks, and the chit chats, and the questions. 

Hari ini hujan datang lagi

Mengenai seorang teman atau bukan, hanya di sana, dia adanya. Hari ini hujan datang lagi, Mas. Sudah beberapa hari langit kelabu mengingatkanku pada wajahmu dan senyuman yang penuh ikhlas itu. 

Bukan surat cinta, atau yang lain, Mas. Kalau rasa sudah tak tertahan dan sastra bisa membantuku, apakah aku harus diam selalu, Mas? Bukankah hanya sepasang mata yang pada akhirnya memahami suara yang tersirat dalam sebuah elegi ini? Tapi ketika kedua mata itu berpaling, bolehkah aku menulis lagi, Mas?

Kekasih atau bukan, bukanlah yang terpenting. Jika hati selalu menunjukmu dan memilihmu seraya waktu berlalu, apakah benak fikir harus mencegahnya? Apa bisa?

Getting Used to It.

So here's what's been going on with my life:

Today, I have to do this. Tomorrow, I will have to do that, Next week, next month, idem. My shortness of breath, dizziness, beating veins, all of this, dynamic, mechanical body of mine; ticking like the time, trying to race it. Sometimes I feel like, I want to explode, but actually, not anymore. I am grateful that I always have someone to talk to, whether it's my friend or my boyfriend, or just, random acquaintance that I meet during one random event. So I kind of, paused everything I've been doing and I started to think.

What am I doing?

But then there's this person who gave me an answer. Well he said,

"You don't have the rights to miss your childhood or wish you life would be as nice or as easy as your childhood back then. It's a phase, a transition. You just have to get used to it."

Those words, oh boy, "get used to it".

"Do you know how the poorest people can live throughout the years? They get used to it. Nothing is ever gonna be hard all the time, if you adapt." he went on. "All of this 'I don't have enough time' or 'time is running out of you' drama is just a form of you adapting to your new routine. Besides, with all this 'not enough time' kind of life you're living, it makes you value the time you have even more, don't you think? Say you agree."

I have been feeling so scared that I might not be able to pursue my dreams. I have been feeling so scared that I have to drink at least one cup of coffee everyday to make me feel energized. But I don't think it's the answer anymore. I don't have to afraid at all because I'm getting used to it. 

oui, c'est vrai. c'est la vie dynamique, mon cheri. c'est la vie, afterall.