School starts tomorrow. Let's burn calories. 

Hope

Aku duduk di tepi kehidupan memandang pelangi transparan, diselimuti guungan-gulungan awan. Aku bernyanyi dengan pelan berharap isi hati akan di dengar, namun tetap jua aku bernyanyi pelan. Bagai do'a, harapan, curahan hati yang sunyi haus akan telinga yang hendak mendengar. Tubuh kecil yang hampir rapuh, dengan lelahnya jiwa, berjalan menyusuri kehidupan. Kegagalan itu bagai bayangan yang terus mengikuti, mengincar gentarnya hati seraya tubuh kecil ini berjalan menyusuri kehidupan. Sekitarnya, adalah... harapan. Di atas, di bawah, di depan, di samping, dimana pun... Harapan diri tak akan putus bagai jalan yang tak akan buntu.

Aku manusia yang selalu bingung. Terjatuh itu... rutinitas. Kadang kugali lubang untuk menjebak diriku sendiri. Tapi, harapan selalu ada. Entah mengapa. Seberapapun rusaknya hati, dan dihancurkannya rasa, harapan itu, ada.

Aku senang. Aku tahu Tuhan di mana. Jadi tidak lagi aku merasa sulit mencarinya. Mungkin ini karenanya, jalan harapan itu tidak pernah buntu. Semua hal bisa menjadi buruk rupa, kemudian dia bisa memolesnya, menjadi cantik. Kemudian jelek lagi, Tapi hidup ini reversibel. 

Sangat reversibel. 

Mistaken

Bonjour.
I made a mistake today. I ate rice. I am on my carb diet, baby. But I ate rice, then drank sweet tea.

I was so hungry last night I almost made myself some instant noodles, but I didn't. I didn't drink either. Silly me. This morning I began to starve again and was ready to make myself some noodles until my grandma told me that the instant noodles are all gone. And she made me this.. soup. this beef soup. And she wanted me to eat it with rice. I was like.. "okay."

So I ate it in front of her. I only took a bit though. Then I was looking for diabetic sugar, but I couldn't find it... So I made myself a cup of tea with regular sugar, now I feel like I am 3 months pregnant. so fucking fat. 

I really really don't know how to get rid of these fatty thighs, I have been browsing fat burning tutorial videos, but they didn't seem so.. fun. So I didn't do it. Maybe I will ask my uncle how to get rid of this fat, but he's not in town, so I.. don't know.

I am going to see a movie today, and I will make sure I won't eat any pop corn, and no more sugary tea, no more dairy product, coffee included. 

I'm kinda glad that school starts tomorrow, I will burn calories more at school and I am just soo happy with it. 

Choix

Grey sky, lonely people, funny coconut tree, and the embassy of china. I remember my footsteps as I walked on that road. I swear if nicotine wouldn't mess with your future child, I would've smoked that day. But I didn't cause I don't want to fuck up my future baby's life. Everyone always has a choice. Don't they?

Tame.

I was sitting there just so obsequiously. I was immaculately given myself up to you, and to your silly plays. And you told me something, indirectly accusing me of having a bad intention, like I was being insidious. And then you asked me to be more obsequious, cause in your narrow vision, I always hold something bad.You haven't even seemed so sure of  me. Though I have put my trust on you. What's wrong with you?

I'm back on track, you sluts.

Gone

I'm glad we met. No matter what we've said. I'm really glad we met. And I'm really glad I got the chance to get to know you. as we both are  going to be gone, I want you to know that I hope god will only give you bless. I won't stop believing you, and my trust on you won't be less. Done. Goodbye.

Thin Inspiration

I have GERD. Well, not only me, maybe these models have GERD too. I had a heartburn attack this morning. I knew my stomach acid was already attacking  my throat, as I started to feel nauseous, but I devoured the pain, and went back to sleep. During my sleep, I felt the cramps, they were stabbing me. I remained asleep. seven thirty am, I  woke up and ran to the bathroom,  to push my first waste. I looked at my tummy in the mirror. I  felt, taken. But in a good  way though.

I went back to sleep. The  second cramps started to attack. I remained asleep. I had a dream where I got the chance to hold his hands, and rode roller  coaster together. We  were with my friends, we were in love. He held  my hands, and he smiled at me. Yet, I could still feel the cramps. But I controlled myself, and I stayed asleep, dreaming with him, traveling in that beautiful  recreation park. And people were jealous. I was jealous of  myself  too. And people started to hate, and we hugged, but he left. And I woke up, at ten am.

I ran to the bathroom and  pushed my second waste. I  went back  to my  room, to work out; lifting weights. After  working out, I started to tidy my bed,  sweep my room floor, getting  rid of the dust, pulling  up the curtains, and stuff. Then  I  started to feel  my second  nausea. So  I went downstairs, grabbed  4 small slices of  macaroni schotel, and ate them all, like a starvation victim. I made myself a cup of hot tea after. The nausea had gone.

I went back to upstairs, twittering. I found out that this stupid region of my country has just banned women for straddling on motorcycles in accordance of this improper position.

I complained on my twitter, how tacky my country is. and nobody noticed. Then I decided to take a shower, and watched tv  after.

I was watching tv for  hours, didn't even touch the snack. I was watching Gridiron Gang. I enjoyed the gang fight scenes so much. I enjoyed them more than the rugby..  I mean the american football scenes. Mum then asked me, "Have you had your lunch?"

I said, "Yes I have". Lied to her.

Bored, I decided to make a cup of hot coffee, again. I've always  known coffees make it easier to lose your waste. Besides, coffee makes you happy.

Mum never allowed me to consume diet pills, nor diet milk. And I respect her  rule, so I have never taken those. But I buy diet snacks still. Sometimes she even buys me some, like Fitbar, Litebite, diabetic biscuits and stuffs.

Dad took a sip on my coffee, but still, he spared me 3/4 of it. I drank it just now. I know I will be attacked by cramps, heartburn, and nausea tomorrow, but still I wouldn't swallow a rice, or that bit of chicken curry in our  dining room.

Yes, I have a target. I'm trying to lose 10 kilos this month, and I'll try my best to stop swallowing foods.

But I have my limit. When the stomach acid is blocking my breath, I will stop starving. Or when the cramps are taking  over my stomach muscles, I will stop  starving.

 But as long as I feel fine, and I'm sure that I can get through this, that means I'll get through this. Everyone has chances to be pretty. I'm taking mine. And  I'm working on it.You should take yours too. But remember, that limit is needed. Only you can decide when it is, and when you finally reach it, stop it.

Have a great diet everyone. Don't lose yourself to the starvation.

Self-centered

I remember what Effy said to Freddie before she tried to kill herself. "Too fucking happy...." That's what she said. Wow even happiness can make people crazy... when I thought it was supposed  to be people's satisfaction.But the excessive amount of it is what destroying her self-control. So I asked my dad, "Is it okay to be euphoric?" and he told me. "No, You can not be too happy, too sad, too hungry, too full, too longing, too wanting, too caring, too worried, anything too much is dangerous." and I began to remember my "messy" post. I was one of them. Then dad told me, "They are.. self-centered, and obviously egoistic. Did they take a second to think about others who are being sad when they're showing that they're happy? Did they even think  about those who are hungry? They didn't, did they?" I told myself, no,  they still bought the expensive whiskey after passing those homeless who are hungry. And I looked at myself who was unbelievably upset yesterday. And today, I bravely asked myself, why bother, giving myself away uncontrolled, to something which isn't concrete at all.

Tell me now, are you one of them too?

Left

Funny how I could see,

The sparks in the light,

The marks in the dark,

Everything was so speeded

But the feelings are unheeded.

Longing

Sincere smile, long breath, dried tears, you beside me. It's no longer that way. The smell of my mother's embrace, and sweet words in whispers. It's no longer like that. I feel, sorry for myself, for not feeling that way long enough. I miss being, simple. I miss bossing people around, telling them "don't go" And they would stay, as long as I want. and nothing changed until I want something to. Now, didn't even have this bad intention to compare, but every time counts, and every act is watched, everything seems so mattered. Childhood isn't coming back. I know it won't. But, I want it back. 

Hypnotizing.

I never walk about after dark
It’s my point of view
‘Cause someone could break your neck
Coming up behind you
Always coming and you’d never have a clue”
And now I'm left behind all the time
I will wait forever
Always looking straight
Thinking counting all the hours you wait

See you on a dark night

-Grimes

Messy

Too much heartbeats, too much worries. too much Beethoven's Silencio. I thought, it was better off this way. With his silencio, and my coffee, and my quiet complains. They were all in the head. The worries, the sorrows, So grey, pale. I didn't know that they were bad, until now. It's the caffeine. Stupid chemical. fucked up your life.

Or maybe it's not it at all. It's still happening, you know. the wholre teenage identity crisis. I'm like spain. Spain, the country which still survives in the edge, waiting for helps. maybe I am Spain. I survive, I am surviving obviously. Who's gonna help anyways? Or maybe I am not even Spain. Maybe I am Greece, who's dead already but wanting to live...

Or maybe I am okay but I don't know, and the heart beats even faster as I start to wonder what it is. Maybe, I am okay, or I am confused in the borderline. Maybe I am just, confused. as always. 

~

French.

Bonne Anneé à tous. 

A fresh start of this new marvelous year today, until...

"Je repense au passé sans arret , ne sachant pas faire face, J'ai fait des erreurs, personne ma donner une seconde chance au fond de leur esprit mais je continue a marcher dans un chemin~" And I started to imagine, the arrival of the writer of that quoted sentence in my city. And I would say, "Aku bisa bahasa perancis sekarang. Jangan sedih, teman." I don't know if you still remember, but I do still remember. Glad we were friends. Glad we were there. Glad we spoke Glad we knew each other.