The Unspoken

Dear someone who stayed, 

If, I had written it in Bahasa, your brain wouldn't have to work twice; read and translate. But since you have put me way too high, and pushed me way too.. deep, too far, down here. I guess your brain deserves to be, stressed. Honestly, when I first met you. I thought, "what an asshole." I honestly, didn't want to even get involved in anything with you. But there we first met. It was Thursday. I didn't even know your name, until your friend called you. ah, so that's your name.

I didn't even want to talk to you, or to get your attention, or to be driven home by you. As I was... obviously, keeping my eyes on your, pal. You and I, we worked together kinda. We didn't do many things together. Until when our job is over, you, texted me, expressing your gratitude for my "sincere" assistance. haha "sincere". And I said, "oh no probs. good luck with your future."

I thought you'd just, end it.

No, you kept on going. We talked. until my cell phone messed up. 

And I thought, that was just one night conversation, until you started to talk the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next, wonderful 1 month. 

And we went out. Just you, and me. And my mother had already sensed, that you'd be such a trouble for me. But I ignored her. You left me there, at the cinema. That's how you ended our date or whatever it was. Then I went to Starbucks cafe. To wait for my mom to pick me up. cause you were such a gentleman you left me there, alone. Haha. Then you texted, "Thanks for today. don't smoke in starbucks."

Then we kept on going. the better you know me, the worse you state your act on me. You started to be mean. and trying to break the decorum. Fuck. I prayed to God, every day. Begging Him, that you'd not leave me by in the end. Every fucking day I prayed.

Another month passed by. Another month passed by. I started to get used to speak to you everyday. And it saddens me, that you don't speak to me everyday as nice as you did, as comforting as you did back then. You started to speak to me less, as I lost my cell phone. I missed you a lot. like, a super lot. Then when i got a new celly, you were being like you didn't even want to talk to me. And you, talked to my best friend instead to cure your boredom.

I shouldn't be writing this. But it's my blog. Three months I put my trusts in you, yet you couldn't even see, how vulnerable I have been. Hopes I've hung on you, were all wrong. And in the end, you left. God didn't grant my wish. But He always has better things to give. I am pretty sure of it. I know you're not going to read it. but once you are. Once again I say, Good luck with your future.

Good bye.

Paradise

I looked into your eyes as your shadow goes by, you've been such an illusion to me, like a friend of my soul that I couldn't reach. Maybe it's true your hand is just so squishy and so fat, maybe your arms are big, and bubbly. Maybe, your hair is soft, and your eyebrows are fierce. Your cheeks are chubby, your eyes are small, your lips are small, you. It feels like a, time out when you're here. like, a recess. like, you're the one who made me break through from all these, tiring days. and you still make me, break through. You're like a roller coaster, you could bring me so high, so down, so... thrilling, yet so exhilarating, yet so, exciting. You're like my morning resuscitation, and my evening lullaby. You. are magic. And I know, you're from paradise. I will always be your friend. Or whatever you want to call it. 

Hai ulangan matematika. Aku cinta padamu.

The Romantic German.

"Holde Lili, warst so lang"

Sweetest Lili, for so long

All my joy and all my song

Ah, now all my pain, yet you

are still my singing too

-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Gong Xi Fa Cai.

Ano Nuevo Chino.

Happy chinese New year!

I went to the Museum of Bank Mandiri today. So many things I could learn from it. But I didn't learn anything, but looking at vintage things.

The museum is located in North Jakarta. You can reach it by taking transjakarta bus, because the bus stops right in front of the museum. So you won't have to walk too far. Look I am so, fat. I haven't been doing my diet. And I also ate 2 packets of sushi rolls, so i feel even more fatter. And I ate one small croissant also. And I also, ate one plate of fried rice today. So fat.

I visited the museum in accordance of accompanying my sister to take photos for her yearbook. She was dressing as a dutch duchess, and her friends were all dressing in various dresses from all over the world, such as India, Arab, even indonesia-_-

The museum was interesting. I mean today isn't the first time I visited this museum, yet it's still interesting the first day I visited. Actually, now I am more familiar with the groetboek or something, as I've been learning the study of accounting. 

The interior deco was still classic, except the typing machine part. It's so beautiful and creative I presume. and it's my favorite part of the museum.

I met my old friend's mom, whose brother is my sister's friend. She asked what school I go to, and I told her my school, and she was like "oh"
Yeah, I know my school's lame.

Today, I also talked to my old indian friend through bbm, as I've actually lost in contact with her since christmas. And she was the object i was venting to>.<

I told her that I didn't like public schools, and that I'd rather be in private school, and I even told her about the stupid strict rules about the obligation to wear black belts, white socks, and black shoes... 

I even told her about the gang fights around pupupublic school students. hahaha I know it's such a ghetto thing to talk about, but I am just so into gang fights, as I love GTA San Andreas so much, so I started to talk about it with her. and the weird thing is, she had no idea that public school students would hold gang fights.

I mean come on. It's all over the news.-_-

Last night, I had dinner with my friends in Tryst, Kemang. I'll probably not post the pictures as I am such a fat embarrassment now. hahaha.

Anyways, once again, Gong Xi Fa Cai 

Btw, that's me with seluloid films with my thumbs up. so awesome <3

Sudahlah.

Sudah, biarkanlah mereka tertawa, melihat pikir ini terlanjur tua. Sudah, sungguh tidak apa. Aku tahu semuanya. Kaulah yang bermimpi, menjadi seorang yang disenangi. Saya? saya hanya bisa berucap, "oh sudahlah.." saya hina dan dina. Saya api yang tak berambisi. Oh sudahlah, kamu bilang saya gila? Saya hati-hati, saya aman. Saya tidak butuh... kemenangan. Saya senang, saya bahagia. Saya tau apa yang saya mau. Saya tau apa yang kamu mau. Oh, sudahlah... Kita berbeda. Saya hitam, kamu merah. Saya hanya membungkam, kamu marah. Sudahlah, saya hanya saya. Saya jijik menjadi kamu. Saya tak akan mau menjadi kamu. Saya hina, saya dina. Tapi saya bahagia, kamu tetap selalu curiga. Saya tahu apa yang kamu mau. Saya tidak mau apa yang kamu mau. 

Tanpa Judul

Lugu wajah ini membendung pilu. 
Seakan ditusuk duri, menembus darah di dalam pori.
Mati itu, sunyi. 
Mati itu, haru.
Hidup itu, palsu. 

Ku sesatkan raga jelajahi jalan. 
Seakan ingin melepas jiwa yang tertahan. 

Indah kan ku berkata,
Menatap diri yang penuh lara
Ganjil kan ku merasa
Melihat alam yang begitu fana

Tapi semua lupa, semua dungu,
Dimana kita, cuma Dia yang tahu,
Merintih untuk bahagia, di dalam semu
Saat putusnya asa, biarkan Dia yang tahu

Monday song

"Monday oh monday, you can go fuck yourself, you can have your own flag ceremony without me. I have no patriotism nor optimism. I hate you monday you shall go away. fuck yourself and be invisible as I've become more incredible  I am the word lady, I have so many rants to tell you, my buddy. So monday, it's either be nice or go away. No one wants you not even a shadow of a dead gay. monday oh monday. I hate you. bye."

-Fidy

Lost.

Funny feeling of getting lost. I can't give myself any direction but what I've been looking for is getting closer. As myself has become farther, the better feelings would form, the feelings I can never fathom, maybe it's the feeling of freedom. It's not, wild. It's tranquil. what a happenstance. such a dainty feeling I get, and many gifts in inspiration shapes will be given. Maybe someday I won't have to wait, to let myself be gone in any place. To let myself be the road, be the cars, be anything with tangible movement, without limit. 

Komplain.

Sehari dua hari saya berhasil menahan diri. "Oh, sudah jangan nangis, nanti kamu jelek di pagi hari, Fid." Berkali-kali saya katakan itu pada diri saya. "Kamu gak mau terlihat jelek, kan? Jangan nangis makanya." Saya ulangi kata-kata saya itu agar saya bisa enyah dari rasa pilu. Lelah hidup itu. Ibu saya sudah menegur saya sekali. Melihat perubahaan saya, dia sebal juga pada akhirnya. Saya.. enggan untuk peduli. Saya enggan untuk peduli sama hal-hal yang jelek. Hal-hal ayng memaksa saya untuk sabar, hal-hal yang mengikat saya karena kehormatan, status, dan posisi saya. Sudah saya katakan pada diri saya, "Jangan ditulis. Jangan." tetapi mau bagaimana lagi.. Makin dipendam saya sendiri yang makan ati. 

Cukup keluh kesahnya.

Saya sebenarnya ingin keluar. Dari sekolah. Sumpah, kalau tidak ada teman-teman, saya sudah bolos tiap hari. Saya mau meluluskan diri saya, tinggal yang jauh di luar negeri, bersama teman-teman yang baik,, Jauh dari manusia-manusia kulit coklat dan asap-asap racun yang melayang menjadi awan. Saya ingin... mempunyai mobil volkswagen beetle atau smartcar, dan anjing husky yang tidak haram. Saya mau menjadi presenter national geographic adventure dan keliling dunia setiap hari. Tapi saya belum bisa.

Saya harus nunggu.

Saya lelah nunggu. 

Le Février

Hello February. It'll be a great month. I've just got a new cell phone so I won't be all bored and frustrated. There are many things I want to do this february. Indonesia Fashion Week is probably my main priority. I will do anything to get the invitation to that annual event. And then they hold many performances in Taman Ismail Marzuki this month, and I want to attend the performance of this play "Diary Kematian.". And they have Christian Leotta's Piano Recital in Instituto Italiano di Cultura also. And most of all... I am gonna be 17 on february 21st. I'm gonna get my id, my driving license, and I can go home whenever I want, and I can actually go anywhere I want. Oh yeah. I am super excited. I hope reality won't disappoint me this time unlike those other times. fml. anyways, have a great sunday people<3

The Pianist

Of course I still remember. It was late Friday night. I was looking for a foe in a go. Comptine D'un Autre Ete was all I heard. Funny how that song reminded me of everything, you, the memories and the unspokens. Dare I took a glance and saw whose fingers were playing. It was a kind man, humbly playing that song. Nowhere else I would want to be but heaven, sinking in that song, and you, and the memories, and speak the unspokens. Then I realized I had been staring too much, as he started to, notice..."Yann Tiersen right? Comptine D'un Autre Ete?"

and he nodded. And he stopped playing, and he started smiling.