Memories

It's different, really. It's not like waiting could help. They're within me, trapped right under my skin, his beating heart, his voice, and his smile. Sometimes, I wonder to whom I should I ask for. To hear that voice once again, or to see that smile, or to even see the being, standing there, even from the distance. 

The Distance

There was a girl I once knew. She was smart.]She was someone I wanted to be: someone who's brave, who's confident. One day I heard, she had gotten married to a man whose name I haven't heard before.

The last thing I know, he placed a distance upon us.

I knew I should have not kept my distance. I would see her through social media, wearing all white, joining one of those God Fans Clubs.  

The thing is,

They've all gone.

Words by words I've remembered

Have fallen deep into oblivion.

I fear that I will never remember them again

Relationship: The Concept

con·cept

/ˈkänˌsept/

noun

noun: concept; plural noun: concepts

1. an abstract idea; a general notion.

   
   

   
   

I once watched a Xavier Dolan's movie, it's called "Les Amours Imaginaires". In English it's called "Heartbeats". It's a story about 3 young people stuck in a "imaginary" love triangle. Between the stories of these 3 young people, there are documentary shots about real-life relationship failures opinions. One of the women said, "It's the concept you love. You love the concept more than him".

Of course I understood right away what she meant.

Apparently, now that I'm preparing for my thesis. Everything in my daily-basis must be based on a scientific concept. Like, when writing a thesis (though I'm just writing an undergraduate thesis) you must stick to one scientific method. If you want to stick to it, you must understand the definition, its variables, the whole concept! And then you start to choose your paradigm in your research, you must understand the concept of the paradigm itself, and you must understand the concept of your own research topic. Concept nearly highlights everything. It's okay to understand the concept.

But must we really stick with it all the time?

Time

Hello, everyone! It's Sunday afternoon. We don't really celebrate Thanksgiving here but I had a great dinner with my family last night. So anyways, happy thanksgiving! I have put so much interests in contemporary still life photography in the last 4 months. So I decided to make a photobook about it. Call it a zine, or a photo book, or photo compilation, whatever. This is my artwork about time in still life contemporary photography along with pieces of letters from a woman to a man which she had never sent. 

I used a DIY lightbox or a mini studio which is made of a thick paper. I used a lot of bandages here. The point is to tell everyone that time heals. I have been thinking a lot about time; what is time exactly. Because I just don't understand the point of earth's rotation, how we are stuck in this neverending pirouette. I don't know if this interpretation of time suits your perception of time. For me, time is the reason you can accept the fact that your father died, or your dreams had been shattered.  So I used these bandages as the symbol of time. I hope you can relate.

Countless wishes,

countless kisses,

abundant warmth,

with late night thoughts.

Call me crazy or weird. I made a mind-map about everything that's been going on with my life: school, work, friends, family, boyfriend, self. Even school has many things to do: internship-based research, pre-thesis research, thesis for my public relations bachelor. And then, we talk about work: content creating, copy writing, website developing, this and that, money, paying the insurance. Friends: I need them, they make me feel safe, like it's alright. And then family; the reason why I keep my persistence towards my studies and my dreams and all of this chaotic happenstances that keep happening to me. The reason why I want to hold on. Boyfriend: he's like, the last destination I could think of when I'm broken. The one who's always been supporting me. Sometimes, I would ask him,

"Will you still be with me if they fired me?"

"Will you still be with me if I failed on my thesis?"

And he would nod and say "duh."

It's silly. But it calms me. 

And then self. The urge to be alone, in solitary, with my self-made serenity. All the fucking ego.

For a human who lives seven days a week, having more than six aspects to think about. Is this how life is supposed to be?

The Time of My Life

Misty Tanjung Aan when the sky was cloudy

It's clearly okay to take a break. For myself that's made of excessively high self-reliance and complexity, I've come to realize the importance of pausing everything and enjoying the time while it lasts.

I decided to go on a trip again. This time, I went to Lombok, an island located in Nusa Tenggara Barat (NTB) Province. It was only 4 days break but I definitely had the time of my life. It's not that I got really drunk, so drunk I could die. But it was a mere break from everything: work, school, and anxiety.  Well,  I didn't turn into a traveler who didn't shower: I did love my time traveling but I was still me. I was stranded in loneliness which I loved.

So Anyways, here's the story.

Can we not talk?

I'm tired, exhausted, drained of words. Most of the time, I just want to be alone, with these silent walls, and my weight track notes, with these calendars that keep on talking to me even when I'm mute. The current state of staying home during the weekend and not feeling like not missing out anything satisfies me enough. Honestly, why bother?

It's okay. I can just be here with all these Carpenter's songs. When Sunday comes, I would think about Monday already; all the talks, and the chit chats, and the questions. 

Hari ini hujan datang lagi

Mengenai seorang teman atau bukan, hanya di sana, dia adanya. Hari ini hujan datang lagi, Mas. Sudah beberapa hari langit kelabu mengingatkanku pada wajahmu dan senyuman yang penuh ikhlas itu. 

Bukan surat cinta, atau yang lain, Mas. Kalau rasa sudah tak tertahan dan sastra bisa membantuku, apakah aku harus diam selalu, Mas? Bukankah hanya sepasang mata yang pada akhirnya memahami suara yang tersirat dalam sebuah elegi ini? Tapi ketika kedua mata itu berpaling, bolehkah aku menulis lagi, Mas?

Kekasih atau bukan, bukanlah yang terpenting. Jika hati selalu menunjukmu dan memilihmu seraya waktu berlalu, apakah benak fikir harus mencegahnya? Apa bisa?

Getting Used to It.

So here's what's been going on with my life:

Today, I have to do this. Tomorrow, I will have to do that, Next week, next month, idem. My shortness of breath, dizziness, beating veins, all of this, dynamic, mechanical body of mine; ticking like the time, trying to race it. Sometimes I feel like, I want to explode, but actually, not anymore. I am grateful that I always have someone to talk to, whether it's my friend or my boyfriend, or just, random acquaintance that I meet during one random event. So I kind of, paused everything I've been doing and I started to think.

What am I doing?

But then there's this person who gave me an answer. Well he said,

"You don't have the rights to miss your childhood or wish you life would be as nice or as easy as your childhood back then. It's a phase, a transition. You just have to get used to it."

Those words, oh boy, "get used to it".

"Do you know how the poorest people can live throughout the years? They get used to it. Nothing is ever gonna be hard all the time, if you adapt." he went on. "All of this 'I don't have enough time' or 'time is running out of you' drama is just a form of you adapting to your new routine. Besides, with all this 'not enough time' kind of life you're living, it makes you value the time you have even more, don't you think? Say you agree."

I have been feeling so scared that I might not be able to pursue my dreams. I have been feeling so scared that I have to drink at least one cup of coffee everyday to make me feel energized. But I don't think it's the answer anymore. I don't have to afraid at all because I'm getting used to it. 

oui, c'est vrai. c'est la vie dynamique, mon cheri. c'est la vie, afterall.

Days during the CSR Trip

A View from Pasir Nini (re: Grandma Hill)

Hello, hail to the newest year of 2017. Didn't I tell you that I am now on my 6th semester of my PR studies at the university? Well, let me tell you a few things about public universities in Indonesia. In a very, practical, and short explanation, public universities in Indonesia receive discounts from the government so the fees won't be that expensive. This term "discount" refers to a subsidy that was brought here by the tax that the people paid. So in order to thank the government and the people for their generosity, we, university students are obliged to create a CSR program. The people give us their money for education subsidy, so we have to give back the people, not their money, but the output of their money that we made during our education process at the uni, that is what we call our knowledge and skills. So with all this knowledge and skill, we have to help the people develop together with us through this CSR program, or in a colloquial occasion, we call it as KKN (Kuliah Kerja Nyata)

The students were placed in random faraway villages where they must hold their program to develop those villages. So I went to Majalengka Region, West Java, where I was placed in this small village, named Kondangmekar for one month (precisely 32 days).

Boy, that was surely once in a lifetime experience that I might not want to do ever again.

I lived in a house where there was a beehive, a fucking beehive inside the bathroom. So I had to walk like 100 meters everyday to shower, poo, and pee. The house was decent, the people were decent, but I had to feel like I was in an ANTM drama house for one month.

Sol 20

I get a mild headache every time I stay up late. It's like, maybe.. gravity is resisting my existence. I've been completely aware about the endless thoughts that I haven't been able to think of. 

This is my blatant writing; memories and thoughts and feelings of sorrow, anger, hope, lust, everything. Sometimes I feel like I am an alien trapped in another planet, where I watch them grow, walk in speed, talk in murmur, and everything passed. Sometimes I feel like I am the clock, defeated by the earth's rotation. 

This has been my journey, how I feel like I don't belong to the place I, emotionally was forced to say yes. It's like, a place, full of rapists. People are so fucked up they become package of emotional burden to one another. 

One night, I realized something about "relationship". Some people indeed avoid it because they don't want to be responsible of unnecessary feelings and occurrence that would happen in a relationship. Like, if he's not happy, you feel guilty or at least he makes you feel guilty. For a basic, instance, a boyfriend has this weird feelings of obligation to buy gifts or arrange a surprise party when his girlfriend's birthday is coming. He's scared, he's worried.