Something great.

Guess what... What I've expected, yet I have been trying to escape, finally caught me. It stabbed me many times just like how it did before. for the sake of the miserable old time, when am I going to get better? when. 

My theory of relativty

The conclusion of Einstein's theory of relativity is that every object creates its own gravity. But he didn't mention that abstract objects can make their own gravities too. For examples, history, the reversing circulation of fashion, the war cycle, the genocide cycle. they all create rotation, they all create revolution. they all create orbits. Concrete objects might be measurable, and scientifically proven that they live in their own orbits. but abstract ones are also noticeable, although you can always presume the same events as what you call... coincidence. but in the other side... haven't you realized that our energy never dies? that if your soul is gone, body is buried under the ground, and we will rot, we'll be eaten by worms, worms will make the ground healthy, so many plants will grown on it... and people will eat the plants, so do animals.. and some of them will die again, and create the whole cycle again. energy. energy isn't concrete. it is abstract. so is people's mind, and the way of thinking process in every human. it's abstract, it's energy. it has relations to other objects that'll make the same orbits all over again. life cycle.

you create your own orbit. you can give nfluence other objects. don't let them give their infulence to you. 

Rain with Vivaldi

The earth is pouring blood, looking at myself who's flawful, dreaming of impossibilities, in the dimension of nowhere. walking, so desperately. walking so desperately, listening to Vivaldi's winter. The strange dreams of being immaculate, of being impossible are seen in the dimension. they are seen in my dimension. I told myself, why have you been wandering so far? You know what you've ever wanted... you have pictured it. you have seen it. you have felt it. you have almost gained it. 

Hunger Challenge

I have planned to not eat today. Only consuming fitbar. I've been suffering anhedonia since last night. thanks to my old friend. If you only knew how much I would push you off the cliff right now.. wow man. Anyways. I hope my diet will work this time. I really need to get skinny. I really do. wish me luck<3 

Insting Mati
Setengah mati menahan diri

Pilu putusnya asa telah menanti

Jiwa membeku nan terselimuti

Rasa takut untuk kembali

Second Best

swimming hard in the red sea,

looking for the joy I haven't had in me,

why can't you see,

the blood isn't pumping freely.

In every of my prayer, you will hear your name, in my whispers of hope, begging Him to make you stay. I thought I was crazed, blinded, defected, mentally deformed.until I take a chance, to glance, to see, how my days will be,  without your attendance besides me. and I beg Him even more. and still I do not own a little nucleus in you. so I keep begging Him, and begging Him. And I finally got tired of begging. So I left, without knowing whether you're still there or not. 

Dear the dearest,

I did not regret my decision of letting you go, but I'm now really regretfull of putting doubts on you. I knew it's always been you. always been you. somehow, I can't make you go away. I guess God had put you to stay. so you wouldn't leave, so maybe my world wouldn't be so grey. I am happy that I have been improving my life... I just want you to know that, whoever comes, whoever leaves, they're not a tiny dust bit better than you. no one can ever be you. I wish you only the best, my hopes are only full of bless. We're all scared of being disappointed. I am scared too. But I am not leaving you, no matter how scared I get. 

Comfort

This happened 2 weeks. After watching this french movie, "La Guerre est Declaree", I met someone. And I've been thinking about what she said about me. she was being so relaxed. she was being so, stoic. She's a psychology student. she's my new friend. and she took a guess on me.

"You're still a child, aren't you?" said she.

"What do you mean?" said I.

"You're still a child. it shows." 

"And? what else?"

There was silence between us. It took time for her to take another guess. I was observing her face as she was still taking a guess on me. 

And she finally said, "You've been sad. you're a sad person."

I felt my heart was pumping fast. "No, only lately." I confessed.

"Seems like you're not comfortable with your new surrounding..." she said softly.

I swear I would've cried that time. I would've spit the anger and the sorrow out of me, but I didn't. I nodded, then I took a sip of my tea.

Traffic Conversation

We were in a car, my mum and I. she was driving, and I was sitting next to her. As usual, the road was congested, so she pulled the brake and asked,

"Why bother, falling in love when you're not comfortable with it?"

My heart skipped a beat. "What do you mean?" said I. 

And she said, "Why bother, questioning where he is, what he's doing. why bother, being sad when he doesn't text you, when he doesn't tell you good night, when he doesn't reply fast?"

Again, my heart skipped a beat. My temperature was raising... I felt sick, and I spilled it out, finally. I said, "I am scared of being disappointed like I've always been. I would bother myself with those things is because I am scared to be the one who's eventually hurt I am scared of regretting the things I have done, or I have said, to make that person love me. I'm scared to feel that sorrow again."

A silence, between us finally showed up. The car engine and the other car horn sounded so clearly, tearing the moment of awkwardness. And she finally said,"Then you can't allow youself to hope hard."

VIVALDI!

Liberty Is Blooming

Talk about patriotism. Protecting our land from liberalism. Talk about sacrificial, talk about the power of marginals, altogether. They barely mean a thing to us. What you saw in the past, isn't what we see in the present. Not my fault, I am not such a cult. Nor such a fantic, nor such an extrimist. let's just be the earth instead. 

L'Amour, La Folie, et La Diète

Hello, November. A very nice greeting from you since I let my tears pouring waterfall last night. Love is nice, love is kind, my sister-ish friend said that. But self is impatient, self is insecure, self is, mad. I knew this was going to happen. It is just, some kind of a karma, where you hurt someone, then someone will hurt you. No big deal. I'll get through it. myself of course is not perfect nor immaculate. shall I need a future life-fixing to gain better achievements. pretty sad to be honest, according to the fact that this has happened many times before. what a shame. I'll start having a short-term anhedonia, of course. Then I'll eat biscuits everyday, losing my appetite. Maybe I'll become thinner and thinner, so I'll look great in Jakarta Fashion Week next week. 

Dear November ma cherie, be nice. 

The Prayer

For the sake of the happiness unfold, for the light in your arms be hold, lay my hope of joy and my fear of sorrow, turning  my soul into a frightened crow, leaving wounds aching on my bone, and wish I want you to know, is stuck in my heart and won't go. what do I do as a scared crow. what do I do without your guide now.