Opposition.

Beach in Tel Aviv, Israel. Yes I would love to visit that country. And North Korea, Russia, Iran, so what? So what, wanting the opposite? some enemies need some friends too. I've been having a mind-fuck recently, and I won't stop playing with it. As it's so fun, full of wonders. It crazes me as hell, it's liberating me, it's isolating me. It's fun.

Let the freak go.

What I've said were needed to be said. What remained silent, are needed to be silent. No matter how hard your vein screams, or how bloody your skin strips, how hard you scratch the walls, let the freky feelings go. Write again, go, watch some dvds, go. Don't feel anymore, just think. Then go.

lack of breath.

Raise of tension, funny headache, dancing blood in veins, rhythmic air, fistful hands, lack of breath, drowning, sinking, swimming, tired, breathe again, then drown, sink, tired, swim, drown, sink, tired, swim again, where is the island, where is my island, where is the land, drowning, sinking, swim, dying, almost, swim, swim, drown, dead. live again. It's anger.

Tied.

Yes we can create a time machine, if we can pull the revolution of earth as fast as the speed of light, it's like, pulling the orbit, endlessly. yes, we can move forward. but what does time mean if it's just about a round cyclic movement of giant marbles... If only, we could see, or at least know, the essence of life, what makes life, is life, we can do whatever we like. see I've told you, our brains are infinite. but how many people would actually think, about the essence of blood, of a heartbeat, of life, it's so complex I can't even comprehend. How come we live in such a hollowness of space. the nothingness are surrounding us. Yet no one's scared, how tangled, how tied we are, in a cyclic movement of time. Rotting our own bone eventually, forsake everything. gone.

Alright.

Tony Stonem was partying and he saw Sidley and Michelle in the club, and he ran to the toilet, and he threw up and he couldn't breathe, and he left the club and he ran to his house. Franky was upset because her friends mocked her, and she used a replica of a gun and imagined she's shooting her bad friends. Richard was trying to listen to the music when he was deaf. So many things to do to be alright. So many scenes from Skins we can see that our brain is infinite but our destination is one; joy.

Farewell Thursday Night.

Let me go to the awesome, imaginative dreamland now. Have a great thursday night assholes, and bitches. I wonder can't people see if their convo partner doesn't even wanna talk? can't you guys see? yes you can. you just, want to irritate them, assholes. anyways.. may all the stars illuminate your dreams, and the sneaky air comfort your sleep. Goo nye everyone! <3

Gerimis

HAHA. Tadi baru ngerasain loh naik motor gerimis-gerimisan. Ujan-ujanan udah pernah, gerimis-gerimisan belom. Jadi, gue baru pulang les, nah terus gerimis. Ternyata, gue dijemput naik motor. sebelum berangkat, gue pasang headset 29ribu gue dan mulai menshuffle lagu. Tau lagu apa yang pertama kali diputer? La Valse D'Amelie-nya Yann Tiersen. Gila. Kalau gue boncengan sama gebetan gue, plus lagu Amelie, plus gerimis macet, plus lampu-lampu Jakarta, romantis banget coy. Ngeliat sebegitu kompleksnya jalan raya jakarta, sebegitu kanibalnya para pengemudinya, afterall, dengan menikmati gerimis lo dan lagu lo, semuanya bisa indah. Tapi tadi gue boncengan sama karyawan ibu gue yang sudah kakek-kakek gitu, jadi gak romantis. Cuma di dalam imajinasi gue aja romantis HEHE. 

Nah, gue itung kan kecepatan hujannya. Setiap satu detik, ada minimal 2 tetes. Nah, awal-awal perjalanan gue jalanan macet, jadi gak begitu terasa deras. Nah, waktu jalanan mulai sepi... Ujannya berubah jadi tajam dan super cepat karena motornrya melesat cepat padahal gerimisnya tidak cepat aah :'( tetapi gue stay cool, karena shuffle lagu gue lagi bagus.Terus lagunya berubah menjadi Some Nights by Fun. Gue langsung kepikiran apa coba? cowok perancis. Hu. Bayangin kalo cowok perancis ngomong gini ke lo,

"Fidy, Regardez moi, ecoutez moi," yang artinya "Fidy, liat aku, dengerin aku" disaat lo lagi ngambek. Dan lo tatap mata cokelatnya, dan struktur mukanya yang seperti gaius octavianus, dan... dia bilang, "Je t'aime." atau "aku sayang kamu". 

Ah!

Bayangin. 

Dan pada akhirnya gue sampe rumah. Gue pingin beli vespa sekarang, dan mobil tesla. Seru banget gilak gerimisan sambil naik motor dan dengerin lagu!

Wreckage.

Ah, you don't care about me, you dick. What I am now have been through a lot of downfall. I miss you, but you don't know. and If you do, you won't care. I miss how we used to be. I miss what we used to do. But you don't. So I don't know how long I am going to hold on to you. Honestly I'm such a big wreckage right now. my grades are decreasing. my future is blurry. my ability is sinking. what is wrong. nothing. everything's just getting worse. and it's not funny.

Emancipated.

Emancipation, is what should be a weapon to erase sexism and misogynists. The truth is, some girls in my nation still have the conservative ideas of being a woman. Honestly, I think women need to feel that they're emancipated. So they should just feel confident. It's okay to text guys first, it's okay to ask him out, it's okay. stop having such an excessive image issue. It's okay to initiate. It's not aggressive, it's creative. I mean as long as it's okay, and it's not inappropriate and it's not violating any values and norms, why wait. There are guys who are silent as a vibrating phone who won't make a move. It's okay for girls to make a move. It's 2013, peeps. It's not the era of metaphors, nor allegories. everything needs to be fixed, and everything has to get to the point. Indonesian people can only get friends in school, or courses, or by being introduced to our friend's friend. But in the western countries, dare I say, everywhere provides a chance to get to know people. And they won't freak out when we talk. So jeez, girls. It's 2013. feel a little bit emancipated sometimes.

Thursday Night.

I have one day off tomorrow. Huzzaaaaaah! My seniors are going to see the result of their national exams, and I can hope the best for them. I am sitting here alone, in the dark, with my PC on, and everyone is already asleep in their rooms. Well I've got not much to say since I am getting so sleepy. But English exam was hard today, and I didn't do my Japanese speaking test well, so it's kind of irritating. I am actually looking forward to the holiday, but it won't come until June, so I need to be very, patient. blah, talks.

1980s The Feel Good Revolution.

I watched National Geographic's 1980s; The Time of Our lives yesterday. It showed how marvelous the time of 1980s was. It's the era where the mighty United States had a President who was a movie actor. It was the time when gymnastic videos were firstly released and sold. it was the era of Personal computer deployments, it was the time of rock and roll, it was the time of MTV, it was the time of Aerosmith collaborating with rappers, Run DMC, it was the time when Prince charles married Lady Diana. In Indonesia, It was the era of Suharto Authorities. Despite all the bad economy, people invented many things in that era, to make them feel good. Like Sony Walkman, Personal computers. When I watched that docu, I was like, "Wow it was really the feel good revolution". Indonesia was super strong yet super not democratic behind Suharto's authorities. But our military was number 2 in the world. It was peaceful back then, no stupid petitions, or protests. the wests obviously had some respect to us. now it seems like, everything is boring... music is all about alcohol, wild, and free. gadgets are copying each other. Indo music is all about sadness and broken hearts. People listen to music with poker face, and empty stare. everything's gone promiscuous. if only I could feel the joy of 1980.

SMA

Jujur, gue super jarang nge blog tentang sekolah gue. Gue gak suka sama hampir semua hal yang ada di sekolah gue. Dari awal gue emang gak mau masuk SMA gue yang sekarang. Dan gue yakin hampir semua anak yang sekolah di sekolah gue, gak ada yang pengen masuk sekolah gue itu. Kita-kita adalah orang yang gagal masuk SMA RSBI, termasuk gue. Mulai sekarang, gue bakal nge post banyak hal tentang sekolah gue, karena gue udah punya terlalu banyak unek-unek yang bikin kesel sama sekolah gue. 

Ngeselin gurunya. Sebenernya what we take from them and what we give isn't equal. Gue kesel banget, waktu itu hari Jum'at. Gue udah nyelesain tugas matematika dari rumah. Nah terus pas pulang sekolah, gue keburu pulang, gue lupa ngumpulin. DEMI ALLAH gue lupa ngumpulin. Gue udah ngerjain sampe tengah malem hari Kamisnya. Nah, pas hari Senin, gue kumpulin deh tuh PR. Gue bilang baik-baik gue lupa ngumpulin, emang DEMI ALLAH, gue lupa. terus itu guru marah-marah. Padahal gue baru telat ngumpulin 2 hari, sementara dia bisa ngasih nilai ulangan kita dua bulan kemudian. Ya gue ngerti dia punya banyak urusan. Tapi ya gue juga punya banyak urusan kali, emang cuma pelajaran matematika doang yang gue urusin? Woy ada lebih dari 10 mata pelajaran kali, belom lagi gue ada les, belom lagi kalau di rumah ada masalah. Anjir gue kesel banget, woy. Gue nangis di kelas gara-gara dia.

Sumpah, gue pengen banget SMA gue bisa seasik SMA yang lain. Gue pengen banget SMA gue bisa sebebas SMA yang lain. Nyari nilai di SMA gue susah banget. Untung aja ada banyak anak yang berkeinginan main di sekolah. Yang gak begitu suka sama ke-banyakmau-an guru-guru di sekolah gue. Untung aja. Gue pengen banget SMA gue bisa berubah. Gue pengen ngadain Helloween party, gue pengen supertrap ada di SMA gue. Gue pengen sirkus. Gue pengen April Mop di sekolah gue. Tapi dikit-dikit nakal, langsung poin, poin, poin, ortu dipanggil. Teriak-teriak dikit, guru dateng. Nyeburin orang ke kolam ikan, guru dateng. Ah, kaco. 

Handling Adults.

I don't know how I will be in the future. But once I become an "adult", I hope I won't be annoying. i don't like seeing adults handling things. it's too complex. It's too much confirmations. the problem is easy, but they like to make it hard. Last night, my grandma arrived from Malaysia. My mom initiated to bring her some chickens... fried chickens to the airport. she called, asking about the chicken, she called asking about if grandma's bed is rready, she called and called. I really got tired of answering the phone yesterday. I mean jeez, she could buy the chickens in the airport, duh. I mean there are restaurants there.. just buy the chickens there. and about the bed, grandma will be going home anyway if we did not change the bed. get what I mean? adults like to order this order that for unnecessary things. It really pisses me off.

Value.

"De troquer cette vie morose, contre le parfum d'une rose." when self is willingly exchange its miserable life to smell the scent of rose. it's not worth it. I used to feel that way, honestly. I wanted to release my misery so much, I would take anything to get me out of the misery I had. Until my friend, told me about value. Value. I realize, that misery I had, probably I still have, is a self-infliction. I once heard this saying, "You may fuck up your life once or twice, but don't let life fuck you up." what we need to understand is that we have value. we create our own value, and nothing can take it away from us, no matter how bad misery can haunt us. so remember, to always value yourself despite all the bad things that we've done. 

Stranger.

I remember it happened a long time ago. Honestly, I could've forgotten it. I would've forgotten it too easily, until you said sorry. I almost choked a butterfly inside my stomach. We barely knew each other. But you said sorry, for something you didn't really do it wrong. Still, you're a stranger to me, as we're not even friends. But what still makes me wonder is that, how come... a stranger can be so nice, so thoughtful. Man I swear we barely talked. she's just a friend of my friend. who is not my friend. but she cared. Honestly, I'm having a trust crisis. Funny and ironic I see when a stranger cares about my more than people who actually live through the days around me.