Draft 02

There's been a conflict within myself that I can't explain. Yes, I've changed a lot in so many weird different ways. After this philosophical thinking that I had and (still having them sometimes). I feel so detached from myself, from this physical surroundings that we think we know. I just, can't get enough of the answers when everyone's basically avoiding my questions.

To be,
to feel completely aware,
to feel at least like you're worthy

Recently I do feel like I'm actually dying everyday by just, living. I feel that death is coming really soon and I am going to die which in fact, I know for sure that we are all going to die anyway. But I jus keep on losing myself everyday and I don't know why. I've been trying to figure out what's going on with myself. Maybe it's just that, I need the answer of our existence, I need to know the destiny of being me: what I'm destined to be, what I am to me, and to this world. I don't want to die like those chickens: being fed to be killed eventually.

God is a shepherd they say.
But what if I don't want to be one of his farm animals?
What if, I just want to be an exceptional animal that is given a different destiny?

--

My sister's been watching a superstitious show in Youtube about a family that can speak to ghosts and often get "possessed" by the ghosts. So I asked her, "How come people turn into ghosts when they die?"

and she said, "maybe it's because they killed themselves or they were murdered?"

It didn't come logical to me at all.. the answer. All this misery, and especially those who were murdered must've felt tremendous pain, how come they turned to be ghosts? Isn't it very exhausting?

I know there are some inexplicable things in this world. But to think about the substance of our existence which we don't know, one day is just wasted with lack of knowledge or self-awareness.

Draft

You're okay.
Know your worth.

Peace Seeker

I knew something was wrong with me but I just didn't know what.
I never thought that peace would be so important for me.

I told him, "No, I don't want money, I don't want career, I don't want to be anything. I just, deep down, I know I just need a peace of mind."

Manic Episode

Sure, I do remember those days when I set my schedule very perfectly and life was happening according to plan. I liked (maybe deep down inside I still do) doing so much things. I just, fucking oh god, I fucking like to think. You know? Just like a clock ticking, everything is being fast-forwarded in my head. This and that, here and there, run in flats, heels, loafers, sneakers, do things and more things made me feel so. fucking. alive. Energy, Inspiration, and the feeling of being inspired, are like crazily having threesome sex in my head. Everything has been exciting. Everyone has been so nice, everything mattered. Life, Art, Literature, Smile, the vastly dynamic world, the earth, and planets, and fucking Plato! Stars and Sky, limitless above. Dreams and wise endings aloft in the silent nights.

Depressive Episode

Things changed within me, though. Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I feel like she's asking, "Who are you?" "What are you doing here?" "Where are you gonna go now?". And my eyes looked at me, so so so differently, full of pity and regrets, and desperation. Looking back, I was that girl who loved to visit public events, trying to hang out with those hot af male models while wearing that tacky outfit from New Look. I was that girl, who tried to learn so many languages, and that girl who wrote stuff with the utmost bravery. Now I see, a fat-gaining coward who keeps on making the same old, real same old fallacies, and who forgets to reply others' messages. Now I look at myself in the mirror, and I feel like I am looking at someone else, full of fatigue, doubts, more doubts.


Am I experiencing that so-called second puberty?

Cerita Studio Begadang Ep. 4: Surat Pengunduran Diri

Dunia memang penuh kejutan. Menjadi manusia yang tidak memiliki kontrol penuh untuk diri sendiri maupun lingkungan tetapi memiliki rasa untuk menjadi be..bas tentunya sangat menyebalkan. Kami terlalu sering untuk fokus pada hal-hal yang datar sehinga kita lupa kalau bumi ini berputar. Begitu juga dengan kejadian-kejadian yang muncul kepadamu tiba-tiba: malam hari digigit nyamuk hingga bentol super besar, atau kejadian seperti ditilang polisi, hingga ditinggalkan orang terkasih. Kekonyolan dari ketiba-tibaan waktu yang menyelakmu seenaknya, padahal kamu sudah mengantri untuk mendapatkan sesuatu, atau menemui seseorang. Tiba-tiba saja, waktu menghentikan dan merenggut segalanya, membuat permainan baru.

Sepulang dari kantor, aku tersenyum berser-seri memikirkan malam esok di mana aku akan menghabiskan waktu bersama Robin. Call it a movie date or whatever, knowing that he still wants to spend the time with me outside work is already a good thing. Maksudku, pada akhirnya pertemanan lebih berharga dibandingkan hubungan rekan kerja bukan? Sebenarnya ada satu alasan mengapa aku sangat menghargai dan mengaharapkan pertemananku dan Robin. Hal tersebut adalah ketulusan hati Robin pada semua orang, termasuk kepadaku sendiri. Robin pandai mengatur emosinya sendiri, membuat kotak-kotak layaknya folder di mana ia harus menetapkan perasaannya pada setiap orang: dia hanya tersenyum ketika berbicara dengan Mamak, dia mampu menyelinap untuk memberi pendapat kepada Pak Bos, dan dia juga tahu kapan dia tidak boleh bertanya dan memberi alasan.

Suatu hari kami pernah berpergian ke pabrik salah satu merk sepatu internasional yang berada di Sukabumi, Jawa Barat untuk shooting video pembuatan sepatu tersebut. Sepulang dari pabrik, Robin ingin mengunjungi rumah salah satu buruh pabrik yang memiliki anak yang menderita polio. Aku pun bertanya kepadanya, "Kok repot-repot ke rumahnya segala?"

12:02 AM

Just say "No". It makes life easier.

Read my cheesy poem

Kedua Kutub Magnet yang Terpaut Kembali

Kami hidup memang saling berbeturan: entah itu Tuhan atau hanya gravitasi, kutub-kutub kami menarik kami kembali di sini: saat tawa terasa canggung dengan rindu yang tertahan dan percakapan yang kasual. Aku tidak tahu tentang dia, tetapi banyak sekali hal yang ingin aku bicarakan dengannya: tentang hujan salju di atas stasiun kereta api, atau tentang kedua tangan yang kedinginan yang saling mendekap. Percakapan mengenai asa, masa depan, dan realitas yang semu, serta leluconmu yang sangat aneh, dan gurauan sarkastik yang membuatku ingin berjumpa, dan kembali jatuh cinta, untuk sekali, dua kali, hingga kali-kali berikutnya.

Untuk menjadi yang paling beruntung, atau yang memiliki kesempatan untuk bersua, dan tertidur pulas dengan senyum yang lebar.

Terima kasih!
Terima kasih!

Cerita Studio Begadang: Ep. 3 Jingle Djarum Coklat

Bagiku, satu-satunya jingle yang artsy tetapi juga sangat sangat mudah diingat dan sangat pas untuk brand rokok adalah jingle Djarum Coklat. "Djarum Coklat, saat tepat, saat melepas gundah hatiiiii". Jingle yang kumaksud adalah jingle Djarum Coklat yang dulu dirilis: yang dinyanyikan oleh Nugie, Gigi dan Pagi bukan yang baru-baru ini di-remake. Setiap aku mulai "lelah" dengan pekerjaanku, aku selalu mengingat iklan video klip jingle tersebut: Meurutku, Jingle Djarum Coklat adalah bukti kalau iklan gak harus norak untuk bisa diingat. Mungkin, suatu hari nanti aku dapat memproduksi iklan tersebut. Suatu hari nanti.

Robin akhirnya  kembali ke mejanya setelah sekitar 30 menit keluar ruangan. Aku pura-pura tidak tahu tentang Playlist "Anastasia" dalam Spotify-nya. Ada beberapa lagu yang aku suka dalam playlist itu, seperti lagu ukulele, Wrong Victory oleh MS MR, Perfect day oleh Duran Duran, dan juga lagu Paul Anka "Put Your Head on My Shoulder". Aku kembali teringat dua hari lalu ketika sedang lembur bersama Robin. Dia sempat memutarkan lagu Paul Anka saat terbangun dari tidur singkatnya. Aku mulai berpikir apa mungkin Robin memiliki ketertarikan terhadapku hanya karena playlist bodoh itu. Tapi, apakah playlist itu sebenarnya ditujukan kepadaku atau apakah Anastasia memiliki arti lain? Pertanyaan seperti ini hanya bisa dijawab oleh Robin dan aku sangat takut untuk menanyakannya. Ah, sudahlah. 

"Udah, Na. Gak usah dipikirin." ujar Robin tiba-tiba membuyarkan lamunanku. 

Aku terbelalak menatapnya. "Maksudmu?"

"Iya, revisiannya. Gak usah dipikirin." balasnya dengan santai.

Aku tertawa sendiri, hampir saja aku merasa Robin dapat membaca pikiranku. "Siapa juga yang mikirin!" balasku padanya dengan nada ketus.

Djarum Coklat, Saat tepat, saat melepas gundah hati. 

Dalam hati, aku nyanyikan lirik jingle tersebut. Hati yang gundah adalah hati yang mudah untuk didekati. Ya, kurasa itu benar. Hati yang tenang merasa bersyukur dengan yang sudah ia miliki: ia tidak memerlukan ketenangan lagi. Mungkin, gundah di sini diartikan sebagai suasana di mana orang yang merokok merasa "gundah" karena belum merokok, atau "gundah" karena ada masalah tertentu, sehingga Djarum Coklat menjadi saat tepat untuk melepas kegundahan hatinya.

Aku menatap Robin sesaat, lelaki kurus dengan postur tubuh yang tinggi dengan selera musik yang aneh. Robin mengetahui musik-musik dari seluruh dunia. Dia pernah memberi tahu aku tentang musik hits negara Azerbaijan, atau musik yang sedang digemari di Bosnia saat ini. Aku menatap Robin, berusaha mencuri pandangannya yang masih berkutat pada aplikasi music editor tersebut. 

"Rob?" aku menyenderkan kepalaku di dinding kubikelnya.

"Yes?" dia balik menatapku.

Cerita Studio Begadang: Ep. 2 Playlist Yang Mencurigakan

Bukan suatu keanehan lagi untuk tiba di rumah pukul 5 pagi, atau bahkan tidak pulang sama sekali. Hal yang paling aku hindari setelah pulang bekerja adalah ditanya "dari mana?" atau "kok baru pulang?". Begini ya, orang tua, memangnya ada ya orang yang mau bekerja hingga lembur sampai pagi? Jadi mengapa repot-repot bertanya? Di saat-saat seperti ini, aku sering pulang bareng Robin: ya, si cowok Paul Anka itu. Rumah kami memang searah dan biasanya kami janjian untuk lembur bareng walaupun tidak selalu bareng dengan Robin. Misalnya, kami lembur bertiga atau aku lembur berdua dengan yang lain. Robin sering menumpang sarapan di rumah karena disuruh mampir sebentar oleh Mamak. Saat Robin sarapan pagi ini lah Mamak bertanya-tanya pada Robin tentang pekerjaanku, apa saja yang aku lakukan, apakah aku harus lembur, dan lain sebagainya. Robin tidak banyak bicara namun tidak membuat Mamakku gusar juga. Dia selalu tenang sambil meneguk teh hangatnya dan tersenyum dengan sabar.

Di tengah pekerjaan yang menguras energi, aku sebenarnya senang merasakan udara dingin pukul 4 pagi: saat aku dan Robin pulang dengan sepeda motorya. Nuansa langit kelabu bercampur biru dengan embun pagi di kaca-kaca halte dan jalanan yang lembab basah. Di saat-saat orang lain baru hendak memulai harinya, kami baru saja menyudahi hari kami yang berlangsung selama 29 jam. Sesampainya di rumah biasanya aku memberi notofikasi di grup kantor bahwa aku akan datang lebih siang karena habis lembur, kemudian aku akan tidur hingga jam 12 siang.

Keesokan harinya, aku tiba di studio sekitar pukul jam 2 siang. Aku melihat Robin tengah duduk di mejanya dengan headset-nya. Aku berjalan menuju kubikelku untuk melihat feedback dari Account Executive (AE) yang berurusan dengan klien tersebut. Ah, suntuk sekali rasanya. Passion-ku adalah passion klienku: kadang mereka norak sekali mereka tidak tahu apa yang mereka lakukan.

My head, my safest place, the completely honest of myself. 

Cerita Studio Begadang: Pukul 3 Pagi dan Lagu Paul Anka

"Sudah malam, tidur." begitu ujarnya sambil menatapku yang masih terjaga sambil mengerjakan desain-desain yang belum selesai. Dirinya tengah terlelap untuk beberapa waktu. Suara pensil gambarku atau suara keyboard laptopku mungkin membangunkannya. Aku melirik jam dinding. Jam menunjukan sudah pukul jam 3 pagi. Aku menghela nafas.

"Sebentar lagi, ya. Klien udah bawel." ujarku padanya. 

Dia mulai merenggangkan otot-ototnya sambil menguap kemudian duduk di tepi sofa yang ia tiduri itu. Wajahnya terlihat kacau, masih setengah mengantuk. Ini lah yang kami lakukan hampir setiap saat iklan harus di-propose keesokan harinya.. Dia mengangkat alisnya, "Ada yang bisa ku bantu gak?" tanyanya, sambil merogoh laptop miliknya di bawah sofa.

Aku menggeleng. "It's okay, you did your part." kataku padanya.

Sesaat kemudian, terdengar lagu Paul Anka 'Put your head on my shoulder". Saat itu, pukul tiga pagi di studio tempat kami bekerja. Biasanya dia urusan musik, aku urusan desain visual.

"just a kiss good night, maybe you and I will fall in love" begitu Tuan Anka menyanyikannya.

Aku turut bernyanyi dalam hati, "put your head on my shoulder, whishper in my ear 'baby'.." 

Tak lama kemudian, lagu tersebut tak terdengar lagi setelah dia menghubungkan earphones putih itu pada colokan laptopnya. Pukul tiga pagi itu, di tengah dingin dan redupnya studio, walaupun lagu Paul Anka sudah menyapa, dia tetap tidak memalingkan pandangannya dari aplikasi music editor tersebut.

Berbicara dalam Bisu

Tidak ada manusia yang ingin dilahirkan. Jika memang lubang hitam itu ada, jika memang ruang dan waktu memang benar-benar diciptakan: sebagai sesuatu yang bertstruktur, sebagai sesuatu yang dapat diukur, yang dapat dipermainkan, siapa yang benar-benar mau tenggelam di dalam galaksi luas hanya ditemani ratusan juta orang? Kami semua kesepian. Kami semua sakit hati. Pikir itu baik-baik!

Mungkin planet ini hanya bola kecil di luar angkasa yang sebenarnya terdiri dari bola-bola kecil lainnya di dalam bola kecil, di dalam bola kecil lainnya. Apakah kita sebenarnya virus-virus nakal yang mengotori tata surya? Dimensi penuh dimensi dipenuhi dimensi lainnya yang semuanya tidak dapat masuk di akal. Kami berpikir keras sekeras mungkin dengan berbagai asumsi mengapa kami dilahirkan dan diciptakan selain itu membuat repot kami sendiri dan lingkungan kami?

Oh, ayam. Aku sungguh benar-benar minta maaf karena kami menghidupkanmu, memberimu makan, dan kami mematikanmu untuk kami makan. Apakah manusia sebenarnya hanya 200 juta ekor ayam di mata alam semesta ini? Apakah kami harus diberi makan agar saat kami mati, mereka dapat memakan kami semua? Kami telah menjadi begitu sombong telah berternak ayam, sapi, ikan-ikan, bahkan babi-babi. Aku sudah begitu nyaman memakan ayam dan menggoreng ikan sehingga aku lupa kalau aku akan dimakan nantinya, di telan bumi dan dilahirkan kembali melalui partikel-partikel hara tanah, menjadi gizi yang dimakan seorang bayi yang baru lahir, yang mengatasnamakan cinta! Jika aku terlahir kembali, aku akan menjadi bayi yang menangis paling keras hingga mereka dengar! Dimensi-dimensi akan bergetar malu! 

"Untuk apa sih bocah ini dilahirkan lagi selain untuk menulis propaganda terhadap sistem yang tidak bisa dihentikan!"

Aku tidak mau hidupku menjadi teka-teki dan matiku menjadi sel-sel yang membau dan membusuk. Hingga saat ini, semuanya sama saja: semuanya kesepian dan semuanya sakit hati. 

Aneurisme

Aku ingin, raga diterpa angin pagi yang hangat, membawa harumnya uap air laut dan gemerisik ilalang di ujung tebing itu. Matahari bersinar dengan puas sepanjang hari, ditemani burung-burung yang melintas, dan babi-babi hutan yang bersembunyi di balik pepohonan. Aku melihat tubuhku sendiri, hampir tidak memakai apa-apa: hanya kain tipis yang membalut tubuh dan rasa aman yang selalu ada. Suatu hari itu, kala dia datang menjemputku, akan aku hempaskan nafas terpanjang dan senyuman termanis, dan kuuraikan rambutku dengan BE BAS. Kala suatu hari itu datang, akan aku tenggelamkan masa lalu ke dalam palung terdalam bersama belasungkawa mereka.

Aku hanya ingin hidup bersama matahari, dan gemerirsik ilalang, dan nyanyian burung gereja. Suatu hari, aku akan menulis hingga mentari terbenam dan tertidur pulas setelah menghitung bintang-bintang. Aku ingin terbebas dari manusia, agama, polusi udara, gaya hidup, FESYEN, berat badan, edukasi. Suatu hari kelak akan datang, suara-suara menggebu yang melepaskan jiwa dari segala-galanya.

Suatu hari kala aku tak mampu berdiri, dan darah tak mampu mengalir, aneurisme menjemputku, dan aku akan bahagia. Antara ada atau tiada Tuhan, tidak ada manusia yang ingin dilahirkan. suatu hari nanti, aku akan menyatu dengan angin, tanah, air, kotoran, semuanya. Suatu hari nanti, aku akan bebas. 

APRIL PLAYLIST: BRAZILIAN MUSIC ( I KNOW IT'S MAY ALREADY!)

Bom dia! It's really not my fault if I end up liking brazilian music, I mean you can blame Lele Pons and friends. They basically, introduced me to Anitta, a brazilian singer. I've always been attached to a song by its lyrics. I love Spanish, but I've also strated to like Portuguese. Yes, basically I can blame Lele Pons for this brazilian madness. I've watched her dancing video featuring Juanpa, they were dancing to this song by Anitta "Downtown."

April 2018: Moodboard

Doing that one thing you love besides all this routine surely helps. Basically I try to wake up early every day, I will take 30 minutes to finally "wake up" by doing some French quizzes. Then I'd go to school, and do the things and take some time to think again, sometimes end up overthinking. I begin to work during the night. It's quite hard for me to construct my overall mood this April: SO MUCH IN MY MIND. My brain is tiny but it sure has a lot of space for a lot of things. It's surely depressing not knowing answers and have to wait. 

Sol26

Terdengar hela di sela tempo bekerja
Kedua nafas yang pernah menyatu,
Menjauh bebas bersama angin,
Mencari sudut yang tak serupa,
Hilang arah dari kebersamaan
Suara-suara dalam gempita nan sunyi,
Kedua hati tak berbisu dengan malu

Kala itu,
Hanya kata-kata, banyaknya rasa, banyaknya asa,
Mimpi-mimpi menghidupi jiwa yang haus akan mati,
Harapan nan gugur tumbuh menjadi harapan baru,

Kala itu,
Hanya kata, hanya rasa, hanya lagu dan puisi
Selalu saja sedikit aksi,
ditambah juga sedikit reaksi

Kedua mata saling menatap,
Tatapan yang sama kala keduanya pergi

Sol25

src: pinterest

Eyes are dried,
Hearts are torn,
Dreams are shattered,
Too much farewell in one nght,
Too much longing,
Too much misery,

I used to hate the time cause it raced me to death, how it's gone so fast. These days I found out that time also gives you hope, time answers, time makes everything changes and we can see who we really are, what we want; longer time or less time, maybe we can finally be there.

Burst of Thoughts at 1:30 am

cancer

suddenly, silently, and continuously, these voices and these touches are left to be scars, sucking myself and torturing inside. You can never say that growth is a great thing. When something is growing, something else is deteriorating. They work both ways like gravity.

So yes, I am so afraid of cancer and what it's capable of doing. Basically, people are cancerous, though. basically, the city is cancerous, the lifestyle, the way we rotate, they radiate, these evil to raise.

social burden

Can you do this?

Can you do that?

Is it possible if you'd help me with...

You know we can depend on you, right?

Don't worry, you'll get through this.

Can we meet up this weekend?

What about next weekend?

Don't forget our family gathering next week.

Don't forget to call your grandmother and say thank you.

Are you free? I got something to tell..

Can you help me with the conversation?

How do I say it to him... It doesn't sound right?

communication,

and noise,noise,noise,

fucking noise.

so fucking tired of communicating I feel like I'm running out of oxygen.  so fucking tired of texts, notification, social media interaction, upcoming calls, all this social burden makes me socially drained. Please just understand that I just want to talk a little less, and listen a little less, 

All the screams and the excitement, with all this noise in my head, 

God, I just want to pass it on. Pass it on. What scares me is that I can never ever ever ever be alone.

Post scriptum:

Hello guys, it's April already, just 4 months away from August: this is the month when I predict my graduation. It's 1:30 am here and I just, can not help not to write, and design.

Became Friends with the Chlorophyll

Every morning I am accustomed to do my chores, helping my mother with the househould. That morning, she said "Forget your morning chores, you're taking pictures of my cactus"

You can say, that we're a cactus family. My mother loves cactus, my sister loves cactus, and so do I. Cactus represents great endurance, delicate strength, and continuous persistence. Thus, this is our family's cactus collection. Hope you enjoy this chloro-pals!

こんにちは Jakarta; Japan Inspired Visual Therapy

A thought of decent Saturday, with a glass of your favourite latte, and calm surrounding are what I need. After these weeks filled with burst of thoughts and burst of colors, I managed to spoil these visions of mine with visual therapy. I normally don't review coffee shops, or popular cafes, but i think Kopi Kotaku is exceptional.

A cafe located in South Jakarta, inspired by Japanese coffee shop, with design-friendly interior. This minimalist aesthetic surely gave me a good time lulling in visual therapeutic situation. So here's what we captured during our visit at Kopi Kotaku.

March Playlist; Reggae Tunes

Well, let's say that I have to manage my emotions these days: like I wouldn't have the time to be down. So I need some tunes to boost my mood. I decided to listen to these reggae tunes because everything feels good when listening to "Three Little Birds" by Bob Marley.

So, here's my March Playlist. I hope it'll cheer you up, too!

Sister Nancy - Bam Bam

Bob Marley - One Loveeeee

Yellowman - Zungguzungguguzungguzeng

Paris Hilton - Stars are blind (go way back to elementary school years!)

Bob Marley - Three Little Birds

The Wailers - I shot the Sherrif

Mr. Vegas - Heads High

Don Carlos - Young Girl

I also have my spotify's reggae playlist embed here for you to enjoy. I'm not a super fan of reggae, nor a super fan of any music genre. But it's nice to listen to different genres time after time!


cheers!

Women's March Bandung 2018: Catcalling and Bossy Husband Petitions

Good morning, everyone! What a productive Sunday I had. On Sunday, March 4 2018, I joined a women's march in Bandung. I've never labeled myself as a feminist, but there are certain issues that threaten me as a woman. Despite all of those gender equality issues which I barely understand, there are little ones that I've experienced before or that some people around me have experienced before: Catcalling and Bossy Husband.

Living in a strictly-censored society sometimes makes people think that women are their objects: for sex, for slavery, for their jerking off session, basically for their dick. Some think that women are "destined" to feel inferior at some point, because they feel like we're not strong enough. That's why, I guess, this is my assumption that we are often being catcalled. Before we get too far, I want to let you know that I am against catcalling towards men and women because it makes us feel uncomfortable, like emotionally harassed. Some people do it out of boredom, some people do it for jokes, some people do it because they did get a positive respond. But I think, some people need to position themselves as the victim.

Moodboard: March 2018

No, I haven't been smoking weed!

Hello everyone! Wow, like, it's March already! It feels as if it was only yesterday when I made my February Moodboard. Time surely is ticking so fast. Anyways, I discovered a lot of novelties lately, or at least re-discovering things. Well, my main focus is always my thesis and my job, but I don't know, I don't think I'm developing myself through my thesis, so I think I have to find new novelties every month to keep me fresh.

March is going to be my reggae month. Reggae songs actually make me happy without smoking any weed lol. I actually discovered this cool band "The Undercover Hippy", they produce real good stuff, and they also made this song called "Coming to the Gambia", it's about empowering people in Gambia, and showing that globalization is a modern colonization: which I think it's true. I mean, living in this poor country with prices raising day by day, I'm pretty sure I'm still being colonized by countries with stronger currency.

And also! I've been learning Hangul. It's quite easy, really. I read Hangul kinda well now, not fluent, but I can read it. It's not as hard as Japanese, I think. Maybe it's because I've been watching Korean drama in the past 2 years, so i'm quite aware of the vocabularies. Talking about Hangul... I think South Korea really did a great job in creating South Korea's nation brand. Like they said, they managed to obtain the economic miracle with their marketing strategies, entertainment business, and hard work, of course. Also, for the very first time in my life, I now have a crush on Korean actors: Lee Jong Suk and Ji Chang Wook. Yes I know they're everywhere to be seen but I just, Lee Jong Suk, he has a very unique face, and Ji Chang Wook has this friendly brother-ish face. 아이고!

Travel Diary: Palembang 2017

A view from Chinese Vihara in Pulau Kemaro

I stayed in Palembang for only 3 days, super quick, short getaway from Jakarta around June 2017. But it was really fun, really worth it. I went there with my mum, grandma, and my two siblings, but I met my cousins who are Palembang descents there. They were also spending their vacation there.

Woke up to this, such a pretty scenery!

In Palembang, we stayed at this beautiful hotel "Novotel Palembang", it's very family friendly, they had this cooking class for children. It's quite fancy, actually. So if I had gone there without my family, I wouldn''t have been able to afford it.

Ampera Bridge on top of Musi River

My sissy looking so fine against the shadow

FILM CAMERA 

When I went there I was so eager to use my analog camera, but I didn't really develop all the films that I used I only developed one, because it really cost me a lot of money to you know, maintain this relationship with my analog camera. In this post, you will see pictures shot by my mom's old Fujifilm Camera.

Clueless

Fetus, amnesiac

Mother,

Have I gone much farther or 

have I grown embittered?

To feel this blood run towards my bone,

once they sent my soul to drown

To see this face in the mirror,

torn by torments and terror,

Mother,

Beneath everything that I don't know,

along with every breath I had sough,

this question in which I came from,

about this place I'd been welcome

Mother,

I've lived almost a quarter of century,

None of them had believed in me,

about this place we've named and called,

is never for us to name and own,

Mother,

If I could ever ask you,

about the things that once made me,

the things that we both knew,

the things that we both disremembered,

the things that we couldn't answer,

about the origin of the origin,

about the purpose of livin,

about the purpose of dyin,

Days during my Internship at CLARA Magazine

My artwork, featured on CLARA Magazine 10th Anniversary Issue

I have always been intimidated by luxurious fashion stores. I don't even have the money to afford anything there! but this internship made me enter Fendi. This internship made me almost touch Prada shoes. Yes, this internship also made me enter Calvin Klein stores and we could choose anything we wanted --- well it was the stylist's choice, not mine. But I still could watch!

P/L feb.2018

Room 243: Interior Photography Project

Hello again everyone! It might be too late to writethis post, because it's done in December 2017 or maybe late November? Back in the days, I was suddenly interested in interior photography because I spent too much time on Pinterest learning about still life contemporary photography. What I love about interior photography, well still life contemporary interior photography is that as you can see, it feels like the room is talking, or the furniture is talking. It feels like bringing the shapes, the shadows, the textures, to life. I think that's why it's called "still life".

One day, my friend called and she asked for my help to shoot an apartment located in Bandung for their airbnb website. I was thrilled because it was my first time ever shooting an interior. So I was very excited. When I got there, the apartment was so neat, it was clean kinfolk kind of apartment (if you know what I mean), the shades were black and white (mainly). I'm gonna add caption so that I can show you how contemporary still life photography seems to be talking to you. So here are what I captured (dominantly my best shots). *still learning here

Moodboard: February 2018

Hello, everyone! Okay, I promise that I will take my blog seriously. I am not sure whether it's gonna be a fashion blog... NO, obviously not a fashion blog. It will a medium for my creativity; through writing, graphic design, photography, and other things that I love. SO yeah, I promise you, dear Lebenstraum, there will be 4 posts minimum with anything I like. Because it feels so good liberating your soul through writing. Free freedom, remember? And it feels like it's the right time to do something for myself, for my OWN satisfaction, not for money, or so called business. Anyways, here's my literal moodboard for this month.

Sawatdeeka: A trip to Thailand

Do what makes you happy, really. I feel like writing a blog than dealing with my thesis today so ta-da. Back on january 10 to January 14, I had a very pleasant trip to Bangkok and Pattaya. The whole big family was going. I was with my mom, cousins, grandma, brother, sister, aunt, it's asian thing. We travel in a big group. Anyways... So here are my Thailand Highlights.  

I am not the kind of person who gets to travel a lot every year because I am so out of dime, but so far. Bangkok has been the most tourist-friendly city I've ever been. It's different than tourist destination cities in Indonesia, like Jogjakarta, and Jakarta. They're too conservative like they stare at you if you wear shorts, or when your cleavage is all over the place. Still, my favorite tourist destination would be Gili Trawangan, it's so organic, and so tourist-friendly. 

But Bangkok is different. There are many options for the tourists, you can go to family-friendly places, hipster places, or promiscuous prostitution places, you choose. 

Beautiful Statue at the Sanctuary of Truth

In Bangkok, however, you combine all of this family togetherness, religious destination, shop-till-you-drop paradigm and even hipster lifestyle in one city. The food they have here can adjust Indonesians' taste. They taste pretty much similar to our food so my family could relate really well. Indonesians have this strong urge to eat flavorful food, so the food isn't just about  salt or pepper, the food gotta have so much seasonings in it. And so do Thai foods. 

THE LANGUAGE
And oh, I even learned Thai language before coming here. I tend to get jealous when my friends had the chance to go to countries which languages I learned, and all they did was copying from google translates to make a good caption (when they couldn't even pronounce the phrase). Plus I had this obnoxious passport drama before coming to this country. So I had to make sure I got this, and I had to make sure to have a great time here, no fucking language barrier.

I also wanted to be more polite to the locals because I wanted them to you know, see that I am respecting their language and culture. So I did some research about Thai basic conversation, and I even watched videos about it, I even memorized numbers in Thai, and I would be happy if people greet me in Thai. And just for information, women can use "Ka", in the end of every sentence to be more polite, and men can use "Krap" (it pronounces like Kap /Cup) to be more polite. So even if you don't know how to say it in Thai, you can just add that.. conjugation based on your gender. So it's like, when you go to Chatucak market, and you want to bargain, you can just be like "Cheaper ka?" or "Discount ka?". It's pretty easy, really.

Socially Drained

a clip from "To be Bone" Movie

Well, this is not going to be a depressing blog post. It's more like, a self-discovery post about myself. I have been living around so many amazing people, who made me laugh, who made me smile, hell there are even those who made me cry but I am still grateful for them. As I grow up, I start to understand myself a little more. So I am going to be very straight-forward about it. I think I'm introverted.