Owned,

The touch can wither, and leave farther and farther, until it gets so sick of being tied with inexplicable kidnapping. Frantic, frantic, frantic, and angry in the end she felt. She's hiding behind the white walls surrounded by the white cloud, full of memories and dreams that can not be brought away, ever, again. In this very age, for the love of life, and for Mr. Cunningham's sake, I've chosen to do what I love. So I did my tasks with what I love. It's the most important thing, even nobody agrees. To do what I love, is to be free from all this... self-kidnapping.

Angriest,

She longs for the warmth of the rain, the ache of her collar bones, and the silent conversation she had with the cloudy sky. She had nothing, nothing at all but a whole package of flaws, which she would cherish. She spoke in binary and he patiently interpreted.

He said, "You know what you want, but you don't do it." clearly in Indonesian. It means, "Kamu tau apa yang kamu mau, tapi gak kamu lakuin."

His words were as simple as, a bucket of black paint drips on an empty canvas, and abstractly made it a masterpiece full of anger. She had through a lot of understanding.

Sometimes you can not resist gravity. You do realize that, right? Money, fame, money, reputation, money, are indeed a part of gravity. We follow the path of it, we get lost in the end; lost in a safe place but, inconvenient. How many times should that woman realize she's been going around chasing her tail, hypnotized by the gravity she's lost in.

Stupid.
What about the love of the past,
and the music, and the poems, and the stories, and the sincere thoughts, and the kind heart.

She's lost again now until he said, "You know what you want, but you don't do it."

by Marc Turlan

Waktu itu, aku bersandang putih abu-abu. Kami bertemu di lantai ketiga. Kemudian kami tidak mengenal apa-apa lagi padahal hati pernah sama-sama bertandang. Sekarang, kedua raga itu pun enggan saling bertanya. Mungkin hanya sosok bersandang putih abu-abu yang aku kenal dulu, yang penuh memori dan tanda tanya tentang ada atau tidak adanya rasa. Jikalau kami sama-sama bertanya, mungkin akan ada yang tersakiti. Jadi, biarkan saja semuanya begini adanya; semua orang punya cerita, dan begitu juga kami. 

Kejutkan aku lagi,
dengan ketukan pintu, 
yang membuat kalbu berdebar,
dengan ketukan pintu,
yang membuat benak bertanya,
dengan ketukan pintu
Aku segera bergegas,
Melihat paras lusuhmu,

Dan sesaat bibir ini tersenyum,
saat membuka pintu
Dan sesaat matanya menyeringai,
saat membuka pintu,
Genggamku tersentuh gengammnya
saat membuka pintu,

Change,

Hello,

It's been quite a LONG time since I last wrote in this blog. Looks like we are almost in the edge of the year. I've been doing something else, besides writing. I've been writing captions and creating contents for this fashion brand in the past 3 months, and I've never been better. It feels like I am going back to that one day, where I was obsessed with fashion magazines and desperately wanting to be a part of them. 

This is my third year in the university and things have been pretty well in here. Though I don't really like the activities here, I am still grateful to be able to learn communications in this early age. In less than two years, I'm expecting myself to graduate and look for jobs. No, I don't want to be a public relations officer. Instead, I'm applying as a reporter in fashion magazine or a creative team in an advertising agency. I totally can see myself in those jobs.

Sastra,

Sastra, 

Sudah lama kita berjauhan. Sungguh telah aku tempuh jenjangnya jarak, untuk menemui, seorang teman lama. Bukan berbicara tentang hasrat yang hilang, atau diri yang enggan. Tapi rasanya, teman lama itu telah menghilang, berpindah dari satu tempat ke tempat lain dan tak ingin dijumpai. Kemudian aku berbicara tentang suasana hatinya, yang mungkin sedang pahit. Aku datangi saat hujan merinai jalanan yang kosong dekat rumahnya. Bukan untuk mengusik, tapi untuk menolong. Tapi ia tak ingin bersua. Ada kalanya juga aku datang saat mentari hangat menyinari, daun-daun yang menghijau, dan bunga yang hendak bermekaran, Bukan untuk meminta sepetik panen, tapi untuk turut bersuka cita. Sudah juga aku tawari sebotol anggur, akan juga aku tawari segelas wiski. Namun lagi-lagi, ia tak ingin bersua. 

Sastra,

Melankolis

Dan semalam, kekhawatiranku menggebu, Aku penuhi pikirannya dengan pertanyaan yang bisa aku jawab sendiri. Hari ini, aku menjawab semua pertanyaan yang aku lontarkan. Rasa-rasa mulai bertandang dengan endorfin yang melegakan. Sekali lagi, kita bicara tentang waktu, atau kecepatan, atau apapun bentuknya dalam pikiranmu. 

Ada saat-saat aku kalah bertarung dengan waktu, bagaimana ia begitu cepat pergi, atau terlalu sebentar bertandang. Namun, adakalanya juga diri ini gemar berziarah. Berziarah untuk mengingat sekali lagi, apa yang telah dilampaui. Entah mengapa, namun terasa menghibur. 

Berkali-kali aku mencoba untuk mengucap atau menulis. Namun terkadang, sebelum dilakukan aku sudah menjawab aksi yang belum terjadi. Hari ini aku menziarahi lagi memori-memori yag telah lalu, saat-saat yang telah ditelan waktu. Jika dipikirkan, aku memang sering kalah saat bertarung dengan waktu. Tetapi ada suatu saat di mana aku selalu menang; yaitu ketika aku mengingat.

Gerak-gerik dan bisikan dalam gambaran candramawa, sejuknya angin lalu juga masih bisa dirasa. Aku ingat bilamana mereka tersenyum dan mengasihi dengan cinta. Aku ingat bagaimana mereka bersedih dalam pilu jauh di lubuk kalbu. Aku ingat di kala tawa menyinari hari-hari lebih dari sang surya, aku ingat di kala waktu memaksa orang-orang lupa. Walaupun waktu, kecepatan, dan gravitasi bersekongkol dengan kuasanya, aku dan memori juga bersekutu dengan kuasa kami.

Bila kita memaksa waktu untuk kembali, atau melaju lebih cepat lagi, aku akan kalah melawan waktu. Tapi, jika aku mencuri waktu untuk berziarah dengan memori, tidak ada yang bisa turut campur, bukan?

Years with Rihanna

Hello! Guess what I chose for my media research final exam? Yup, Rihanna. I made a little research based on Roland Barthes' Semiotic approach on Rihanna's "ANTI" album cover. ANTI is her latest album that contains the-very-famous "Work" featuring Drake. The album cover was quite different as it didn't contain any of her photograph. I connected how the album relates to her new personal branding (as she starts to expose her nipples these days).

Anyways, I'm not going to talk about the album "ANTI" tonight, but I'm going to talk about Rihanna these 13 years of her career. I first saw her on Mtv back when I was in the elementary school. Her music "We Ride" was on TV, and I started to adore her as she looked so stunning in that little brown dress.

When our eyes closed,

It was one afternoon, I met him when winter almost turned spring, but we felt warm enough as if it was summer. I've never met a guy as kind-hearted as he was, and I've never known anyone as adoring as he was. If I had listened to my heart, and be less afraid, we would've, we would've pictured things differently. Not that I regret meeting him, in one fine beach, one warm sea. But if only I was as infatuated as he wanted me to be, or I was as calm as I wanted myself to be, we would've turned out so differently now.

It's just that, I miss looking into your eyes and see you nod approvingly. 

Still I'm glad we met in a world where our eyes were closed.

Kala mentari berselimut malam
Di mana waktu menghilang dalam gelap
Di sana aku berbicara dalam sunyi
Dengan syahdu mengenal
Masa yang lampau

Karena sementara tidak ada waktu
Biarkan jiwa berkelana
membasuh angan
Yang dulu dikenal
Yang kini dirindukan

Aku melihat wajahnya
Senyuman sahaja dan tatapan sayu
Sepasang bola mata berkata-kata
Dan kalbu bertanya-tanya,
"Apa yang sedang kau pikirkan?"

Karena sementara tidak ada waktu,
Biarkan semuanya terucap
Karena saat tidak ada waktu,
Rindu pun berbicara

Doesn't Make You Social

Instagram Girl

Hello, I finally got the chance to arrange a wedding last saturday. It was such a wonderful experience to be a part of people's once in a lifetime experience. I was assigned as the Liason Officer for the photographers but I ended being a photographer after all.

It was one fine evening until I saw this family. I was sitting with my friend, Edo. We talked about how the wedding going swell and stuff. And suddenly, this little girl sat on a chair in front of us and grabbed a bread knife. She was dark brown tanned while her mom and sister were white with yellow hair. Her brother was also brown skinned but he was enjoying himself. Indonesian think that brown skin isn't as beautiful as white skin. I guess she wasn't really confident of her appearance.

In the other side, her big sister whose hair was yellow, she kept asking her little sister to take pictures for her. She told her, "Hurry take a picture of me." the little girl reluctantly took pictures of her sister. But then the older one kind of scolded her. She said "Would you even be more helpful? Look mom she's not doing it right. You should count to three then click the button."

So the little girl agreed and counted to three. But this time, she held that knife with her mouth. Edo and I were shocked to see that. That girl, then started to rub that knife on her tongue and her upper palate. Seeing her little sister doing that, that yellow haired bitch went on scolding, "Seriously? why would you do that?"

But she kept asking her little sister to take pictures of her. She asked her to take one for her instagram, for her snapchat, and phhhoto. I mean that girl didn't stop rubbing that fucking knife and she didn't even care. Well I know that the knife wasn't sharp and wouldn't hurt her, but that girl is showing a self-harm action. Come on! You should know that,

"Having a social media, doesn't make you social."

Discourse Analysis: Bohemian Rhapsody

Hello, I haven't got the time to write, well I might've had, but I didn't. Well, these past few years I spent in the university has got my brain divided into branches. So much to think about, so much to do, so much to revise. Jeez, revision. How can you people even deal with it?

Anyways, this semester, we've got a lot of interesting subjects. I have just finished my Media Relations final exam. It was really cool we had to present our slide shows with pecha kucha method. Media Relations is one of my favorite subjects because I've always wanted to be a journalist, and it's one subject where we deal with a lot of journalistic stuff.

Another subject I am most interested in is, Media Research. Through this subject, we learn about what is written behind a writing that the press produced or what is told behind a photograph that the press captured. Yup, hidden meanings, semiotic approach, and stuff. We even had an assignment where we counted how many negative words and positive words written in an article to find out which side the related media is siding with.

Digital Activation

instagram: maknasekata

Instagram: fotografikampus

Here's what I've been doing for these past months since I last posted a writing to this blog. I've been helping my friends to get their brand digitally activated. And so far, I've been responsible to handle instagram. 

1. Maknasekata

Maknasekata is an account created by my friend, Tito. With a little help from me, we daily post an Indonesian word that's unusually used. Indonesians, including me, would rather to speak in English. Some of them even have such a proud feeling when talking in English. Tito and I are preventing Bahasa Indonesia to be the next Latin Language (Which is now, extinct, and only being used for naming scientific stuffs). Besides words, we also post Indonesian movie and book quotes.

Detach me

Now I am quite understand how Holden started talking and stopped talking in second. How he felt he was going so well and he suddenly felt, not well anymore. Sometimes, just out of nowhere I wish I could go back where everything was forgiven. I need to get it back together, the pieces, the urges, the spirit. 

It was last Thursday. I locked myself inside my room, shut down the lamp, listened to Yann Tiersen's sad piano to get all the sorrow for my graphic design project -I wanted to make a melancholy digital collage. But that didn't work. I spent like 45 minutes crying and 15 minutes thinking, and I couldn't do it. So I left my computer and went to bed. The deadline however was the following day and I didn't participate, at all.

I don't know why, but it seems like things that I like are being hostile to me. 

Di dalam kelamnya masa,
Dan kediaman rindu,
Ada kata-kata pilu
Tentang waktu yang membeku
Tentang hujan yang membasahi
Sepasang mata yang sendu
Yang ingin berjumpa

Karena setiap tetes hujan,
Berdongeng tentang masa,
Yang dahulu pernah ada,
Tanpa berani mengakhiri

Jika suatu hari malam terus menjelang,
dan pagi pergi begitu saja,
bukan matahari yang kurindukan,
bukan langit biru,
bukan hangatnya angin pantai,
bukan putihnya awan,
bukan cerianya kicau burung,

tapi udara di sudut jalan itu,
Di mana banyak orang menunggu,
Banyak yang ditunggu,
Tapi kami menemukan
sepasang wajah yang dulu tersenyum,
yang masih tertawa,
sepasang tangan yang menggenggam,
sepasang jantung yang berdetak,

IFW 2016; The Shadows in Makeover Presents "Eyevolution"

Eyevolution is a group of collections by F.budi, Patrick Owen, and Ardistia New York. This fashion show was held in Stage 1 Plenary Hall at 4:30 pm. Eyevoution was about the different perspective of how the eyes see. This fashion show was presented by Makeover. But I think, somehow it's quite the opposite of Makeover's current idealism about putting color on your boday, as it was black-and-white kind of collection.

My favorite was Patrick Owen's. His collection was fresh, futuristic, passionate. I couldn't capture much of his collection because like I said I only brought my little lens, which the only lens I have. And I was in row 5 or something, so the pictures were all about vignetting and stuff. 

Their concept, predominantly was about geometric, origami flipped. kind of clothes, which is quite trending nowadays. I mean talk about the culotte, and flipped tops and all. Very geometric, origami-inspired, futuristic, but not, brave enough. 

IFW 2016; The Shadows in "Tropical Garden" By Lussense KD

Krisdayanti, the Indonesian Diva can design now? Not really. She has a clothing line now, a hijab clothing line, designed by her dearest friend, Luthy. My aunt was a big fan of hijab fashion, so we decided to watch the fashion show of Tropical Garden by Lussense KD. 

I am not good at giving comments about hijab fashion. But I'm glad it wasn't such a black-and-white kinfolk pride collection. It was more like, colorful, sweet, but still, showing pride of wearing hijab. And I'm glad they didn't use the tall version of hijab, that will make you look like an alien, or a tree. Sorry for being harsh, it's just that, in my opinion, I don't find huge hijabs are, attractive. I mean it gives me headache just to look at it. I won't ever wear that kind of hijab, like, ever. 

Indonesia Fashion Week 2016

After all this chaos that's been happening in the earliest days of 2016, I still insisted to go to the annual Indonesia Fashion Week. To be honest, these days I wish could focus on one thing, my studies. But, I still have to deal with other things, this and that, with him or her, or them. Like, everything wants to be such a very big deal to me, which is not fair. But I'm glad I was able to attend and refresh my insane mind for a little bit. 

"You're pretty and you're smart and you're always happy. Everyone wants to be your friends, everyone loves you, and so does he. Please don't take what you don't need. Please. Please don't take what I need. I do need him. I do. Please not now, please go away, please. You can have so much more. You don't need him. Not now, please. Please, I'm begging you. You can have so much bigger portion, I only ask you to give me a small one that I value so much." said a monster with a lonely heart.

Reality

You know, back in middle school years, I found a book in a library, that's called "America by Land" by Robert Olmstead. I've always judged a book by its cover, and the cover was interesting. It took me a while to realize that this was an adult book about love story between two cousins, driving around America by land. Juliette told Romeo something when she was depressed, she said, "If memory is heaven, this must be hell."

Anyways, it's just that, you don't know what happened to you until you look back and see what had happened before. All this comparison, all this complains. I think memory is truly heaven. Even though it was a bad one, we're glad that it's over, and somehow it'd still be heaven. 

Funny thing is that, heaven can not be forgotten.

And self is anxious.

What I found on Instagram

Hello everyone! Some of you may have known that I'd started my instagram account like months ago, and I've been quite comfortable with it. I've been quite productive and been gaining more interests in visual arts. This is probably why I have been doing more designs than writing lately. And here are the things that I found really awesome on Instagram.

differ.tv

Differ.tv is like a bank of vintage movies, beautiful movies with beautiful mise en scene, great cinematography, great stories. Differ.tv usually posts pictures of classic movies, including Lolita, Amelie, Pulp Fiction, even black and white ones that were published back then when I wasn't even existed. What I love about differ.tv is that they would capture the interesting scenes perfectly. Sometimes they would add the lines to make us remember even more clearly.

Phony

Hidden tears and silence, and secrets, and hope, and whispers. It may be easy to look forward to the future, plan things. But future is as phony as Old Gatsby. Trust and gamble, and loneliness, and lights are phony. 

Opinions make you delusional. Opinions make you stop, but where would I be without what others tell me. Where would I be when I don't exactly know what I should know and what I shouldn't know, and what I should tell and what I shouldn't tell, and what I should ask, and what must not be asked.

Some things are spilled, as easy as you told your friends you have met Paul Mccartney last night.

Wouldn't that be so hard to keep? When you were to excited to talk?

Some things are hidden, behind that face, and those dancing legs, and that soft hair, and that make up, and that smell. some things are remained hidden.

Death; To Whom It May Concern

A Common Sense that will make you choke:
Death is as normal as birth. Death seems hurt just to make us value our lives.
Imagine if death seems as fun as the theme park, people would suicide by the cause of small problems. People would suicide over small things like not being able to obtain Queen's concert ticket, or losing your cell phone, your crush doesn't text you back, and other things like that. And in fact, we are living and dying at the same time. The more we live, the closer to us to death.
What we can do best is that, we live to make a better living for our surroundings, to be useful. 
It's always you vs. time.  You don't have time, you always think you do have time, but you don't, so count every last of it. You clearly don't have time to mourn about simple things like, you being single, or your friends have better shoes, because clearly, everybody else is fighting against time. Take a look at Syria. Thank God my friend is now a refugee in Amsterdam. But take a very closer look. Take a look at dying penguins, or dying elephants. We're all in a war. Don't be afraid.

The Little Prince (And the Fox)

It was one boring day, I was 12 years old, was still in 6th grade. I was interested in psychology so I started to read this book with the main character who has this psychological case. It was "One Child", in Indonesia you probably know it by the name "Sheila" by Torey Hayden. And this book has this chapter where it told the story of The Little Prince and The Fox; a part of Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's book, Le Petit Prince. 

It didn't mean anything for me back then.

But I met a new friend, her name is Luca from Hungary. She told me that Le Petit Prince was her favorite book so far. And I told her that I knew a part of that book, the chapter that involved a fox. She told me that, If I read it now when I'm nearly twenty, this chapter has different meanings from my conclusion back then when I was 12. 

So I went back home and googled the Little Prince and the Fox chapter and I began to read it again. With farther thoughts and realization, I figured something out about relationship.

February

You make me fat,
You make me eat carbs,
In the middle of the night,

You make me ugly,
You leave me asleep,
And make me cry in the morning,

You make me sick,
With aneurysm
Of your behavior
And your kindness

On Vas Où? Pt.1

Baluran National Park

I was begging for his beanie, not his attention. Stressing over small things, chaotic year. It was a great experience to be able to finish 2015 in a great adventure. I was at the edge of Java island for about 10 days. It was a silly plan at first, I wanted to join my friend's brother's trip to Banyuwangi, East Java. I was actually running out of money when I was asked to pay for the train tickets, but I knew it would worth it.

Banyuwangi is located in the east edge of Java island, just in case you're wondering. It's a small region but it has various of places to visit. They have everything! Mountains, beaches, jungles, art, traditional culture, everything. And for some of you, who's a Bali-enthusiast, you can take a 45 minutes sail to Bali from Watu Dodol Port, like I did. 

It was a crazy long trip by the train. I live in Jakarta, but my friends live in Bandung, so I had to travel to Bandung by a car for 2 hours, I stayed at Zulfa's for one night, and the next day, we went to Jogjakarta, Central Java by a train. It was 8 hours trip. And then we waited for like 2 hours for another train to Banyuwangi. From Jogjakarta to Banyuwangi took 14 hours by a train, so we actually spent almost 24 hours in a train. We arrived at Banyuwangi at around 9 pm. We went to the homestay, got some rest, because we have a long trip on the next day to Baluran National Park.

If you ever have the thoughts about Indonesia being all rain forest, well you're wrong. I found a wide wide savanna in Bauran National Park. There is also a beach called Bama Beach. There were a lot of monkeys in that beach, and they were rude. I know I shouldn't be offended because they have lived there long ago before we ever discovered that beach, so. But they were really rude, and hungry, so don't bring your bags I suggest. They will snatch your bag, and they will freak the fuck out of you.

On Vas Où? Pt.2

Arrived at West Bali National Park on January 3 2016

Okay carry on, we went to the sea area of Bali on January 2 2016. We went snorkeling. It was a full package snorkeling. The payment were including boat transportation, 3 snorkeling spots, lunch, and Menjangan island visit. 

We went to Watu Dodol Port in the morning and sailed away to Bali in the afternoon. I have snorkeled before in West Java, but it was such a bad experience as a accidentally stepped on the coral, and my my foot was bleeding, and I'm actually terrified of blood, so yeah. 

Too Young

Hello! Honestly, I have been neglecting my blog like I've been neglecting my urge to write. Things have turned so differently. Some endings have failed to be as good as they were expected. Still, I have to be grateful. I wanted to wish you guys a happy new year, but my new year's eve was quite sad, although I was on the beach with my friends, and fireworks, and the sound of the ocean, but still, I felt as lonely and as scared as I was in Saudi Arabia. 

I have dealt with different problems lately, and 2015 has become one year of lessons. I had always thought I was too young for this and that, I wasn't ready to handle my broken heart, or my deep disappointment, my hardwork in vain, and other stuff. I keep myself busy now, so I will be too exhausted at night to be miserable. 

There are questions still unanswered, apologies undone, and wreckage unfixed. 

But time does heal everything.